New Best Friend

In the shower this morning - where my best thinking sometimes happens, I thought about a very off-handed joke I made last night. I was telling Doug that I already bought my Dirty Santa gift for his family's Christmas get together. It's still a little weird for me to just assume that I'm automatically invited to his family gatherings, so maybe that's why I said it, but I said "So as long as we don't break up or I'm not invited to your family Christmas, I'm set." He didn't laugh or really so anything so I got a little self conscious about what I said, but I let it go. 

The scene came back to me in the shower this morning. So, I started thinking about how absurd the thought of us breaking up is. The only things I could imagine ending our relationship are my dealbreakers in any relationship: physical abuse, drug abuse, or cheating. So, unless Doug just goes COMPLETELY off the rails somehow, those aren't likely to happen. 

Then, I started thinking about what it would be like if we did break up at this point. I've never been in a committed romantic relationship so I've (luckily?) never had the experience of dealing with the ending of one, either. I started thinking about what I would miss, how my day and overall life would be changed. 

It was then that I realized Doug is my best friend. 

I always heard couples say they were dating or married to their best friend, but in my head, I thought that meant they had been friends before and the relationship evolved out of that. This morning, I realized that apparently the opposite is true - you become best friends BECAUSE of the relationship. 

The things that I would miss most were having someone to immediately share a funny thing that happened or to get comfort when something went wrong or to share my joy when something went really right. I would miss just knowing that he's in my life - even when we've been so busy that I haven't seen him in days and maybe have barely had a chance to communicate beyond a couple of texts. I just know that if I need him, he's there. Hopefully he feels the same from me. 

So, yeah, I'm dating my best friend. We may have been casual friends when this whole thing started, but in addition to the romance, the friendship has developed, too. 

The things you learn in life...

Caught in my own head again

Lately, the Laura K of Doug and my relationship has been really bugging me. I tried to bring it up with him this weekend - and did touch on it, but I really couldn't even figure out my own feelings on it to be able to communicate it to him. I even asked some of the girls at work whether I was being unreasonable or not (the general consensus was that my feelings were understandable), but my feelings were still nagging at me so I knew it wasn't resolved to where it needed to be. 

Last night, it hit me. Here are those revelations.

First of all, I would NEVER make a "her or me" ultimatum. I have a tremendous amount of respect for Laura K, even if I do get a little tired of her "queen bee" attitude sometimes. Of course, some of THAT is probably because I tend towards that at times myself. Birds of a feather, and all that...

Still, I have not been able to figure out why I feel threatened or competitive towards her when I don't have those same feelings toward his exes that he was actually in a romantic relationship with. Doug and LK may have never been physically or romantically involved, but I would venture to call it his longest lasting intimate relationship. They have supported each other through some really emotional life events as well as shared some really fun memories. I never want to take away or tarnish that for either of them. At first, I thought my discomfort with their closeness vs the friendships he maintains with his exes was because he continues that level of emotional intimacy with her when he doesn't with the exes. That may be part of it, but I have realized it goes beyond that. 

As I was lying in bed last night, thinking about this and trying desperately to find some truth that could help me move beyond my feelings, I put myself back in the moments when I feel jealous of her or left out in their interactions. I felt insecure. That's what it is - I feel insecure when they are together. Not because I think they are interested in each other or that anything would ever happen between them. I feel insecure that I will never live up to that relationship. I am afraid that the spontaneous improv games they play while watching TV will be something he misses when it's just him and me. I am afraid that I will never have the impact on him that she has in making him who he is today. I am afraid that she has a depth of connection that I will never be able to duplicate, much less surpass. 

Yes, he and I have a physical relationship that he has never had with her. But really, what does that matter? Sex can exist without emotional intimacy. While we do have both, I also realize that sex isn't necessarily that winning point that I score in the equation. 

Of course, my insecurities are not helped by the fact that LK does like to assert her claim to him often. She loves to spout inside jokes (both in person and via constant text messages) as well as relive trips they've taken together or shows they did together or other life experiences they've shared. I've heard many of them so often in the almost 2 years we've been together that I can practically retell them like they are my own. She has even - on at least 3 occasions - complained about how Doug doesn't bring her coffee in bed anymore now that I'm there. 

Now, it is not like he never does anything for her anymore. Just last week, when she came in from work asking if anyone had cooked anything because she was starving (entitled much?), he said no and asked if she wanted him to pop one of her mac and cheese meals in the microwave for her - which he did. Fine - he was up already, no big deal. I did notice, though, that when the microwave went off and he didn't immediately jump up to go get it for her that she seemed more than a little put out. Last night, he was making hot dogs for all of us. He took her plate to her and then went back to the kitchen to get ketchup when she asked for it. So, no, he has not started neglecting her by any means, but she still attributes anything that she can't get him to do anymore to the fact that he's with me. 

Ultimately, we are both at fault. She, however, is not going to change. I just have to deal with it an move on. God bless Doug, but he is such a guy that he really doesn't pick up on some of the ways that she tried to stake a claim on him sometimes. I can work on my insecurities, though, by going to the source. 

I don't know when (busy week and have to find a time when we aren't around the roommates or he isn't distracted by his frustrations with work), but sometime this week I want to bring up my feelings to him since I have a clearer grasp on them. I know him well enough to know that he will really listen to what I have to say. I also know that he'll laugh a little in that "you're crazy" way we all do then explain how much he cares about me. I had no doubt about his commitment to me, but sometimes I doubt his investment in me. 

Part of that doubt is that I have SUCH intense emotion for him, and I don't have a history of other relationships to know how these things play out. He has, though, been in a few relationships. I can't help but wonder if I'm like those - relationships that worked in the moment but were lacking something that made them end - or if I'm different and will be the one that we wants to make last. I know that means a lot of work, and I think we're both in for that. At the same time, we won't get to that point if we don't lay things out for each other - even when it's just me getting caught up in my own thoughts.  

Purpose?

As always happens during my confinement after recovering from surgery, I had a breakdown last night. I started thinking about how I don't have a plan for where I want to see my life go - I've gotten into a cycle of just trying to survive and allowing myself to be flexible because I never know what health problem is about to rear its head. I also mourned the body that I'll never know again - the one without this new scar, this new defect.

 

It seems like - during these times when I am doubting my life, due to illness - that God provides me someone, a buddy. Years ago, it was Mary Ann - a family friend who developed colon cancer. Three years ago, it was Peggy - the neighbor who developed a host of health issues following a broken hip. This time, it may be Mackey - one of the ETC members who has been fighting a host of health problems for months now.

 

i reached out to him this morning - after he posted a letter to God on Facebook asking "why" and saying he's ready to go if it's his time - telling him about my experiences and letting him know that I understand where he is. I just wanted to give him hope that he is not completely alone in his fears or suffering. And, I wanted to let him know that even though it takes time to get better, you can find a new life beyond this hell.

 

It made me think that this is my purpose - to share my story to comfort and encourage others that are in the same place. It's happened many times before - that I've shared my battles to help others or have been sought out for support because of my experiences to try to help someone make sense of theirs.

 

i was thinking today that I would like to write a book. It would be a book about what I have learned about life because of my illness - lessons to help the sick and healthy, alike. I know that it would get lost in the sea of other self help books or other self help blogs, if I went that way, but maybe it is the imprint that I should leave on this world. I am definitely unafraid to tell the truth - and I think people need to hear that sometimes. People are always coming to me to help with some problem anyway, so maybe I can just extend that to the public. I'm not an expert, by any means, but I have been through a lot and I do study those around me to learn from them. There has to be a reason for all of that.

 

So, maybe a blog. Each entry  a different lesson - about illness, hope, love, disappointment, whatever. Sherri and her network know about blogs and how to get followers - I can get input from them. Who knows - I could get 3 followers or I could get picked up somewhere and end up helping a lot of people. I'm not expecting this to lead me to a grand career (I'm not exploring territory that hasn't been over-worn already), but I feel like it could be a path for me to explore.

 

I wrote all this here to record it, to pursue as I may. This rush of emotion makes any idea sound good so I want to give it time - live with the idea -and see where it goes. I may decide just to keep with my one-on-one-as-they-present-themselves kind of help, and that's fine. I just didn't want to completely wave this idea, either.

 

First, I gotta let my body heal, anyway. As usual.

Rolling in Misery

I called in to work today.

I woke up at 7am with the worst period cramps I've had since high school. My stomach, back, and thighs hurt to the point of nausea. It was like I was lying on the floor rolling in misery literally cursing Eve and earnestly praying for the pain to stop.

I panicked. What if that cycle of pain and inability to function starts again with my periods? What if I am able to control the pain and go to work only to descend back into intense pain and have to drive 30 minutes home?

In my daze of pain waiting for the Aleve to kick in and praying my heating pad didn't lose heat like it does, I decided to call in for the day. About an hour later, my lower half finally unknotted.

I literally passed out from the exhaustion of being doubled in pain to wake up a few hours later. Luckily the pain and cramps haven't returned.

I have worked hard to move beyond who I used to be - to do that, I seem to have blocked and completely forgotten most of what happened then. When these ghosts reappear, they knock my knees from beneath me and make me suddenly seem powerless.

I hope that this pain doesn't become a monthly curse like it used to be. At least now, I don't think I will quite so freaked out.

In the meantime, I am thankful not to be writhing on the bathroom floor and enjoying a bit of time to myself.

Victimized and Violated

Yesterday was exactly 2 months since I walked in to my apartment to find that there had been a break-in. 

When it originally happened, everyone was so concerned for me and kept asking if I was alright and if I felt violated. I thought they were crazy. I felt barely fazed by it - I was more frustrated that the lack of security where I live was proven (although I have been quite aware of it for years). I was sort of upset that someone had found a way in my living space - when I have had dreams about someone invading it pretty much all my life, but thought it wasn't a lingering upset because I understood how they had gotten in and could protect against it. Amazing how - over time - reason and emotion cease to meet. 

It started with the frustration of getting the police to fulfill the request of my insurance company to add the detailed list of what was taken - mostly jewelry - to my file and provide proof that it had been added. That took weeks of back and forth. When the detective said that she had mailed me the letter that I needed, and I never got it, I decided I was using valuable energy for a reasonably small amount of money. It was also prolonging the impact of it all so I decided to drop it and start moving forward. 

I also thought that this burglary would be THE turning point that would make Doug and me move in together and get me in a new place. That also hasn't worked out. I tried really hard to convince myself that if I just had the available money to move that I would suddenly actually want to go through the trauma of the search, packing, and moving required to live somewhere else. As much as I really do want to live with Doug, I thought having the excuse of moving in with him would also make the move more likely to happen. When I realized how much energy I was devoting to the small insurance claim and had a more pointed moving in discussion with Doug, I decided that my core was not ready to move yet and pushing it with these influences wasn't going to change that. 

So, I dropped my plans to move, and my pursuit of the insurance claim. I thought that it would be over. 

Well, I realized that last week was the first time that I started coming home not expecting or being afraid that I would find my other door open and my couch pushed out like it was when I came home to the break-in. I thought that since there has not been a mess or anything broken/destroyed in the process that it had all not made a major impression on me. I mean, I didn't even have the evidence of the door being violently kicked in like the downstairs neighbor did. I came to realize, though, that the mental image of the living room that day and the feeling I had are still there. 

I keep feeling the loss of the jewelry that was taken and find that I remember something new that I no longer have everyday. Each of those pieces were a memory - something bought on a trip or given to me by someone I care about. They made me happy to wear them not just because they looked cool but because they reminded me of a special story. All of that is gone now. I find myself afraid to buy anything too nice to replace them because I am truly afraid of having them taken away again down the road. 

Last night, I had a dream similar to ones I have had many times - including a few times since the break-in - that I have woken up to either find someone in the apartment or to find that someone had broken in. Some noise woke me up at that moment, and I was panicked. Even though I knew it had been a dream, I took the club beside my bed that Doug gave me for protection and walked the apartment to make sure the doors were secured. 

So, I guess I did feel victimized and violated. I still do. I'm still sad when I think of some special pieces of jewelry that were from New Orleans (that I actually remember buying or remember trying to resist then deciding that I had to have it) or that were a gift that showed how much someone cared for me. It saddens me that I don't have the item and that over time I will lose that memory, too. It angers me to know that whoever took them probably just trashed them when they realized that there were no high-priced items. 

I do still wish I could move. I want to be in a new place without that memory tied to it, but I've had break-in dreams everywhere I've ever lived so I doubt that would make much difference. I don't feel unsafe where I am now, just less happy. Really though, the break-in is a small piece of all the things that make me want to move. 

So, I have to let go of all of it. I have to learn the lessons that I can from this and trust that my life will otherwise move forward as it is supposed to. 

Drama...

This weekend...

Friday night was awesome - Doug had gotten a gift card for Satterfield's for his birthday back in November so we had decided to use it to celebrate my birthday. Doug got a reservation to sit at the chef's counter so we could watch them cook as well as enjoy the food we ate. 

I totally geeked out! I practically memorized the menu so that I could look at what elements they were grabbing or prepping to figure out which dish was going to be made. The food was FANTASTIC! It was definitely fresh, and we were both about to pop when we left. 

Since I went on call for Rape Response at 5am and Emily is again crashing on the Chez K couch, Doug stayed at my house that night after dinner. It was nice to wake up without the roommates in the house, but since it is a rarer occasion for us to stay at my place, it's a little awkward, too. 

I had decided not to get up and join the Girls at the Mountain Brook art show, but I had agreed to meet them for lunch at 11am. So, I dropped Doug off at his house. When we got there, we saw that EVERYONE was home (including Ems) so he said he was going to hit the liquor store. 

I spent the rest of the day working on my art project for an auction at one of the special events at work, took a nap on the couch, and then went to Paint The Town Red about 9pm. I wandered around a bit when I got there just to check out the event and see how it worked in the new location. I ran into several people I know - including Sam Kent. He said he'd gone over to hang out with Doug - who had obviously been drinking all day. It's not like I was surprised. 

Since it was close to my shift, I went to the cash room to get trained on what we doing and trade out with the previous shift. I text Doug when I got there that I had run into Sam, and he asked how the event was so far. 

About an hour and a half later, Laura K texted me to ask if Doug was with me. I told her I was working, and she said that he had left without saying a word. She was worried because he had been shit faced to the point he had trouble walking earlier. I did have a moment of panic as my heart jumped, but then my reason took over. She's texted me like this a few times before and had drawn me into her panic. Not only was I not going to do it this time because I knew better, but I was also having to count money for the event so I needed to focus. 

I immediately called him to see where he was. He answered calmly - and not drunk - and explained that he had gone over to a friend's house. Because I knew I was going to be done late and then wake up Ems on the couch if I went to see him, I had just said that we wouldn't see each other that night. While I was on the phone with him though, I told him that I was wide awake so I'd be happy to see him afterwards and to go to my place. Not only would I get to see him, I'd be able to see if he was drunk or not, I would know he was safe, and he wouldn't have to deal with the drama of the house until later. I texted Laura K to let her know that I had talked to him, that he was fine, and that he was going to meet me after I was finished to stay with me. 

She was understandably frustrated and very "I'm not bailing him out if he does something stupid." It occurred to me that she and I have completely different points of reference for him. I came into his life after he had changed his drinking habits and started making more responsible decisions. She HAD had to bail him out or rescue him from stupid things he had done over the 8 years they have known each other. So, she immediately thinks of all of those experiences and doesn't take into account the changes he's made. I operate out of the experiences I have had with him, instead. 

At the same time, when I got home expecting to see his car already at my house and it wasn't, my heart dropped into my stomach. I called him. When he didn't answer the first time, I immediately dialed him again. I heard him say he couldn't hear me yet, to hold on, and I heard something else in the background. I admit that my first thought was, "Oh God, I hope that's not the cops." It wasn't. He had stopped by the supermarket on the way over from his friend's house to pick up something for us to have for breakfast. 

When he got there, I filled him in on the messages from Laura K and that they had been worried about him. I confirmed my suspicions - he had been drinking heavily, had taken a nap to sleep it off, and had not seen either roommate for a significant amount of time before he left for them to see that he was way less drunk than he had been. He once again admitted that he would absolutely not drive if he even remotely felt under the influence. Unlike Laura K's tactic of berating him, I took the approach to tell him what I expected and let him know that it is his responsibility to do the right thing. I am putting my trust in him to make good decisions, but I still stay aware that there may come a day when something happens and I have to leave. 

We stayed up for another couple of hours after we got to my place and ended up having some good talks. He started drinking some beer he bought as soon as he got there, so with the alcohol that was still lurking in his system from earlier, he got rather drunk quickly - which usually means he will talk more and talk more emotionally. I don't completely remember how we got around to it, but he brought up his relationship with Amy. He said that he had thought that they were what was supposed to happen - it was his destiny to be with her and so it would just all work out. He kept promising that he was going to be someone, but he felt like he had not followed through on it which was part of the reason they had ended. That was also why he was so devastated after she left him - he felt like his entire expectations for his life had been ripped from beneath him and he realized he had to figure out who he was and who he was going to be. 

I know that he has intentionally worked a lot - and continues to work - to be the person he is and wants to be. I've done that myself. It's not a process that is complete. At the same time, I realized that this time, I am the one who feels that this is destiny and supposed to happen. That is one reason why I work very hard to iron out issues as they come up so that we do work. I did tell him a couple of times that I had to find a way to trust him and to be truthful with myself about his drinking since I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him - knowing that this will always be an element of our life together. 

When we woke up on Sunday, all was good. We ate breakfast, watched some TV, and went to take the ETC cast photo. I left him after that to do some things around the house and rest. While I haven't heard how it went when he got home, I'm sure Laura K told him what's what. 

I was a dramatic night, but I do feel like it gave us a chance to be honest about some things and reestablish some foundations of our relationship. I have absolutely no doubt about how Doug feels about me or how much he cares about me. However, I keep being reminded of how very different not only our mindsets are right now, but also how very different our baggage is coming into this relationship. We are incredibly similar and yet still very different. 

We are still on the right path - it just may be longer that I expected.  

Let go...

I feel like a burden has been lifted. 

Yesterday, I saw that George's Boxcar Cafe at Railroad Park was going to be open late because some musicians were playing a live show. Doug has been talking about how he really wanted some of their Greek hot dogs lately, so I thought this would be a good chance without the weekend insanity of the park. I wasn't sure if he would be up for it since it was a weeknight, and we are both quite worn out after a day at work. 

My intention was to run down there, eat some hot dogs, and go home. When I went over to his house to hang out for a bit before we headed to the park, Laura K brought up that we should take Horatio with us. While I love the little guy, I was afraid that it would turn the whole thing to more of a pain in the butt than I had intended, but I left it up to Doug to decide. He said it was a good idea so we headed down to Railroad Park about 7:00pm with H, a water bowl, a bottle of water, some treats, and us. 

The weather was perfect! It was just beginning to get dark, little wind, and wonderfully mild. Horatio was, of course, excited to be exploring a new place so we walked him around a little. While Doug was undoubtedly a little under the influence, everything about him seemed relaxed to be in the environment. He said several times how great he felt, and he was so happy to watch H run around and play. 

We ate dinner, and the food did not disappoint. I treated him since he always buys our dinner, and I wanted to do this for him since he had been having a craving. The music was actually good and provided a perfect backdrop for the evening.

Before going home, we took a short walk through part of the park so the Horatio could a explore a little more since he was enjoying himself so much. (It really was adorable.) Almost before I even realized it (maybe because I was moved by the beauty of the evening), I told Doug that something had been on my heart and in my head, and I just needed to get it out. I told him that we had been talking about moving in together, and I wanted him to know my reasons. It isn't because of my frustrations at times with his roommates or because of finances - I just don't like being separated at the end of the night all the time. I love Sunday mornings when it's just us, and we are going through our routine. I told him that I know we've talked about me moving in when/if he takes over his parents' house in a few years, but I didn't want to wait that long. Of course I would if I have to, but it will be hard. 

As I rather expected, he was a little quiet and contemplative. He said that he understood where I was coming from. He's concerned about us being able to have the time to ourselves that we need sometimes if we live together, but admitted that we could make that work. I told him that I didn't bring it up expecting him to make a decision on the spot or to add any stress to his already crazy list of responsibilities. I just wanted to let him know how I feel and open it for consideration in whatever way it works out. He confirmed what I had been assuming that it isn't high on his list of priorities right now because he has so many things going on. He did say that he could see how it is and would be higher on my list right now. 

So, while we didn't make giant leaps on the subject or have any definite decisions made, it feels good to get my feelings out in the open. I don't get the feeling that I took anything away from the earlier peace and enjoyment of the evening, either - which I was really afraid of by bringing it up. 

On my way home, I felt peaceful. I felt like a lot of things I had been struggling with and stressing over were suddenly clear. Doug is not ready to move. It has nothing to do with living with me or not - it is the act of uprooting so much of his life when so little is settled. I do get that. And as much as I have been talking about moving because of my loud downstairs neighbor, the quality of the property since the landlord has neglected it, and safety worries after the break-in, I really don't want to go through the upheaval, either. I can't seem to get myself to enough of a level of discomfort down in my heart to get me to really move towards boxing everything up and going through with a relocation. 

What I really want is for things to change. I want to have time to take better care of the state of my apartment instead of crazily organizing/cleaning in a few hours on Sunday. I want to start walking on the treadmill or around the block after work everyday then shower. The problem is that doing those would cut in to my available time with Doug - which I already feel is so short. At the time, I am the only one keeping myself from creating more free time for myself to accomplish these needs. Instead of taking the huge jump of moving, I need to work out with Doug (or really, first of all, with myself) to take time off from one another. Work out eating schedules and food plans so that we are not always eating junk food. 

I realized that the only reason I have been pushing and stressing so much about the break-in is not because I'm trying to get a payment to deal with what happened, I'm trying to take the "I don't have money to move" excuse away from myself. Last night, I realized that if I can make myself be ok with where I live until things naturally fall into place for us to move in together, then I could let go of that weight. When I did, I swear I slept better last night. 

So, after being open about my feelings instead of hiding them like some sort of secret, I feel better. I feel like I can move past and let go of some of the stress I was putting on myself. Instead, I'm going to actually let go. 

Building Foundations

Last night, while we were watching TV at Doug's house, he got an email offering the part of Boo Radley in To Kill a Mockingbird at VST in the fall. While I am immensely proud of him and realize that this is some serious credibility in the theatre community, I just couldn't seem to be happy about it. 

Doug - like me - has a tendency to take on too much. He had been overwhelmed for a while with daytime workload, Samford classes, ETC board, TDT board, and ETC performances/rehearsals. So, my first thought is, "Oh, no! Another thing!" 

It is partly selfish. I feel like we are so pressed to get to spend time together as it is - especially since we are living in our separate places. I feel like this would not only take up more of our time together but also make more of time a stressed time that he doesn't relax from easily. 

It partly, though, is also out of concern for him. I see how rundown and frustrated he is so much of the time. I see how he isn't able to give the energy and attention to projects like he wants to and so doesn't get the outcomes he wants. I can't help but think of my dad - how he would make out lives miserable at home by complaining about all the responsibilities he had taken on but not taking the step to turn any offers/request down to improve the situation. I'll wee how Doug deals with this, and it will let me know what to expect down the road. 

I am also unhappy and stressed about the living together situation. I keep trying to let it be his decision. I lightly touch on it if the conversation is already heading in that direction just to test the waters, but it still seems like it's not really on his radar (how can it be with so many other things already there?). I want him to find it as a solution for himself. I don't want to be inflicting something on him or pressuring him to do something. I also don't want to add one more responsibility or stresser on him. We get so little time together - and even less time actually alone - that I find myself not wanting to "mar" it by having the straightforward talk I really want to have. 

At the same time, we are still building the foundation of our relationship. Intentionally or unintentionally, we are setting the precedents for how we will act together for the rest of our lives. I want to address issues head-on and not let them fester. I want us to be open and honest. I want our relationship to be the safest place either of us knows. I also have a major part in making it that way, though.

So, initially when I brought up living together, it was to save money. I figured that being able to split rent and utilities would help free up more money for me to pay credit cards, car payments, etc. It had since moved so far beyond that reasoning, though, that I don't even think about the financial aspects like that. I want to be with him. I want to wake up and go to sleep with him everyday. I don't want one of us to have to make the sleepy drive back home at the end of the night to sleep alone. I don't want either of us to have to keep making the decision - to I go see you or do I stay home and get stuff done? I want him to live somewhere that someone appreciates him, somewhere that he is comfortable no matter what, and somewhere that he can feel is actually his space. 

If we lived together, we would cook so much more instead of eating out - which would help both of our waistlines as well as our wallets. There are so many nights (like last night) that I could have easily whipped us up something to eat instead of ordering pizza, but there were too many obstacles to do so: their fire hazard of an unreliable stove, their kitchen and food supply that I don't know, needing to be at his place instead of mine to watch TV since I don't have cable. These are small things, but they add up and greatly affect our lives. I WANT to help him and take care of him. It would make me happy. I think the entire change in surroundings would also cut his stress level SIGNIFICANTLY.

I've been trying to pray the moving in situation into God's hands since I know He has a plan so much better than mine. I still pray that He opens the opportunities of a place to live, the finances to move, the opportunity to discuss, Doug's openness, and my courage to be completely honest. As with most things in my life, I AM taking control back. It's hard for me not to when I want it so badly. I just pray that I am still working in God's plan and that it will all come together before I break down. 

Joy

I still can't help but be afraid to record the good things in my life for fear of jinxing them and making it all end. At the same time, I feel like I am going to burst with emotion and want to remember these feelings.

At the end of every weekend - when I usually get the most interrupted time with Doug that I get while we still live separately, I feel like everything is so right. I was sitting in his car waiting while he got gas and was filled with joy at sharing even such a mundane moment. I do not take for granted that a year and a half ago, I had no hope or expectation of such a gift in my life, such a connection.

I thought, as I drove home this morning, that I understand why people are completely decimated when a relationship ends. I feel so inexplicably close to Doug, so completely in love, that I can't imagine my life without him only a year in.

While I don't know the time frame for our relationship to advance, I have no doubt that it will. Doug was talking about his strategy for his discussions with his boss about a pay increase. He told me - in the course of the conversation - that he used to live so cheaply and thought that was what life was about. Now, especially because of me, he realizes that he wants to "grow up" and own something to settle in to. I think that's why he's working so hard to plan to buy his parents' house in a few years.

In another conversation over the weekend, I said that I hoped that I was safe in assuming that I would be living with him when he moved in his parents' house. He said,"Well, yeah, I hope so!" Even though I knew it, it was nice to at least have it more official. It also gave me a chance to admit that I love the house but am a little worried that his mom may be uncomfortable for me to start changing things. He assured me that even if she does, she won't say anything :)

I look forward to having a space that is "ours." I can't wait to see how well our spaces blend to become a home.

I have absolutely no doubt in his commitment to me or his feelings, but I also know that he has a lot more puzzle pieces in his life that occupy his thoughts than I do. I'm surprised that, after having found peace in believing I would be alone for my whole life only a couple of years ago, I have so quickly become comfortable with the thought of spending my life with him. Everything will come together in its own time - he will find his comfort level in his own time. I find joy and even more love towards him in the moments when I see his progression towards our future together.

In the meantime, I just enjoy each moment with him.

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Cycles

Sometimes cycles just suck. 

I don't know what it is about this time each year, but I seem to just feel "down". When my Crohn's was more active, I think I always had a major flare this time of year - it is also when I was originally diagnosed. 

Yes, it's near by birthday, but I don't think that directly has an effect on how I feel. I do feel "stuck," though. All of my plans to try to move forward in some way seem to be stopped dead in their tracks - which makes me frustrated, depressed and helpless. I realize that this is not just this year and not because of anything specific that is (or isn't) happening. I just seems to come back around every year. 

It doesn't make it any easier to feel this way, though. I feel defeated all the time which make me feel physically and mentally heavy. I can't make or will myself to do anything. I just want to curl up in a ball under a blanket and not move until the whole world has changed. 

Sure, there are several specific things that are frustrating me - I keep making NO progress on my database project at work (whenever I get the time, I don't have the will); I'm tired of having to go to Doug's or have him come to mine to see other but he doesn't seem any closer to moving in together; I can't get any feedback or traction on the projects that I'm trying to develop at the Crisis Center and are really passionate about; and my insurance claim (which I'm relying on to give me funds to move out of the hell hole that my apartment has become) is stagnant because I keep getting jerked around by the police. 

I feel like I keep busting my ass and doing my part, but no one else is. Then, when I hear other people venting or complaining about what's going on in their life (especially Doug's roommate), I just get angry and want to yell, "I have shit, too, you know!" I don't though, because I know it will just make everything even worse. 

Maybe I just need my usual alone time that I end up taking to try to force myself out of this. I wallow for a while then the darkness just sort of lifts. Hopefully it will happen again. 

No wonder patience is a virtue...that I do not possess. 

Supposed to Be

The difference between "supposed to be" and "is" - in my life experience - is drastic. 

Lance and Kate were in town earlier this week for some of his work meetings. We got together both nights they were here - dinner one night and karaoke the next. 

Of course, my relationship with my brother has been strained (though I think he is still unaware of how strained it is) for years. I used to be upset about the fact that our sibling connection wasn't what it was "supposed to be." I don't even necessarily know what that is - something between TV ideal and what we have, I guess. Still, I feel like there is some connection that we should share that we don't - mostly because of the selfish asshole that he continues to prove himself to be. 

When I met them for dinner, I felt like I was meeting up with someone I knew in college or at anothe job that I just feel obligated to touch base with while in town. In fact, I would compare it to having dinner with my old boss Tony (not just because they reminded me so much of each other). Even though I have somewhat let go of my expectations for us or disappointment in how things are, it is still a little uncomfortable when if hits me like it did this week. 

Doug, however, is the flip side of "supposed to be" in my life. I truly did win the lottery by having him in my life! 

Yesterday, I called him after work because I was at the grocery store and was offering to pick up treats for Horatio for his birthday today in case Doug had not gotten a chance yet. I figured that he may have still been busy at work since he's been staying late recently, but I didn't want to leave only to have him respond later that he did need something. When he answered, he didn't have his usual happy tone and did sound a little "put out". I knew, though, that it wasn't directed at me and that since he was working on a last minute project at work that he told me about that the was just in that head space. Still, though, since I am mentally preparing for what it will be like when we live together, I started wondering what it will be like when one of us comes home and speaks to the other like that. Will be still understand? Will we just let it go? Will it turn in to a stupid fight? I know I'm over thinking it, but I've been programmed in my life that the worst is going to happen when emotions are involved so I want to have a plan, if I can. 

About 20 minutes after I got off the phone with him, Doug texted me to apologize for being short with me on the phone and assuring me that he was just stressed by the project, being obligated to do something later with his teaching job, and that he loves me. I once again knew that we are perfect for each other. He recognized and admitted that he had acted in a way that he didn't want to towards me - and addressed it immediately. It is SO refreshing! It just makes me love him even more. 

He called me later - when his class activity had to be cancelled and he was heading home - to fill me in on his day and to ask me about mine since I had told him I was planning on crashing out on my own for the night anyway. Not that I have a reason to question our relationship, but any time that I'm afraid that something could be the beginning of us going off the rails, we - instead - instantly work it out. 

If we can maintain this for the rest of our lives, I'll feel like any sadness or other damage in my life has been worth it. 

Natural Introverted Independence

I had an epiphany this morning watching (of all things) Suburgatory. Within the story, the girl in the relationship had gotten hung up worrying that the guy still wanted the old relationship he had been in, but he told her that even though they had lives before they met each other, each moment they shared together brought them closer together. 

It made me think about how I have gotten a little jealous when Doug and Sam or Doug and Laura K start reliving memories together because I cared about him so much but wasn't able to share experiences like that with him. As we have had more time together and created our own memories, it bothers me so much less because I do recognize that we are building our life together with everyone else being fun accents. 

Then, though, I started realizing that the experience only goes one way. Not that I think Doug would get upset over me sharing memories of stories he wasn't a part of with my friends, but it's not something I do. I have pretty much joined his life (mainly being at his house, with his family, sharing mutual friends). As I have my entire life, I have kept a lot of my life separate. 

It's not that I don't want him in it. I do, but it's harder when we don't live together. I'm sure that my music, movies, etc like that will become more of a shared experience when I'm not hauling to his place, making him listen to it while we're driving or making him watch it at night when we're both about to fall asleep. I don't hide anything from him or purposefully keep him away from parts of my life, it's just the way ti happens so far. I'm comfortable doing my own thing if I don't think it matters that he's there. I rarely get any of my friends together so it's natural that I don't drag him along when I hang out. 

Still, though, I want to be sure to be aware of this distance that I sort of keep and make sure that it is just part of my natural introverted independence and not a secretive protective mechanism. 

I just think so much will change when we live together. I think we will both be able to relax more, it'll be more feasible to cook instead of going out to eat, and laundry will be less of an issue. Of course, it will also be more complicated in a lot of ways, but I have no doubts that we'll adapt. I truly believe we are in a transitional place towards that, and I can't wait!

Rolling On

So, it's 3:50am, and I can't sleep.

When I got home from work yesterday (I guess this early that it would be yesterday), I found the door that I never use to my apartment open. Other than the door (which was opened with no damage, the picture that hangs on it lying on my couch, and the security bar that prevents it from being knocked in placed on a box I had by the door), I only noticed that my camera was out of its bag lying on the sofa and one end of my couch was pulled away from the wall. Because it was so neat, I thought that maybe the property owner had just
been doing work or something. It wasn't until I walked in my bedroom to find my underwear drawer emptied onto the floor and my jewelry box missing that I realized my apartment had definitely bren broken into.

Of course, I immediately called the police and then Doug. While eaiting for the police, I started walking around my apartment and noticed my work laptop and personal laptop (the one with the broken screen - take that, assholes)w were missing as were my diamond necklace Doug and I won in November. I walked out in the hall from the door that was opened to see if there was further damage to find that my downstairs neighbor's door had been smashed in.

The police theorized that the burglar came in through the security door at the bottom of my stairs, popped my back door lock and left out the front door that was open. As I sit here now, that doesn't make sense. My back door was locked when I came in - why would they take time to do that? I didn't want to tell them that I didn't keep my front door locked because I couldn't get it to close enough to get the deadbolt into the door frame. The security bar was the only thing keeping the door closed. While they had to have come in the front door, they would have had to use a lot of force to get through it and move the security bar but nothing was put of place enough to indicate that. I had knocked items off the wall trying to open and close the door in its present stuck state but only one picture was a little crocked. Had the door slammed open, I would think it would have moved things behind the door, but it hadn't. Plus, if they had puhed through the door, I doubt they would have picked the picture up off the floor to put on my sofa and picked up the security bar to put on the box. None of it makes sense to me.

After talking to the police, I called Doug and asked him to come over to help get some of my stuff together. We gathered everything portable of value to take to his place for me to spend the weekend there as usual.

I had left a message with the landlord who called me back apologizing for it happening and making big promises of alarm systems, security doors everywhere and security cameras so I wouldn't move out. Since they still haven't fixed the building from where the tree hit it, I don't hold out real hope.

As soon as I got to Doug's, I frantically changed passwords on all my computer accounts, just in case. Doug was worked up so he was particularly talkative which made Laura K talkative which was all echoing in my head. After I calmed down a bit, I got hungry (and needed to get out of there for a bit) and decided I wanted Sonic. Doug said he would go with me.

On the way, he told me that he was particularly frustrated with the roommates at the moment. I don't remember how the conversation got to it exactly, but he said that he had told Laura K tonight that the break-in was probably the first thing that starts him towards moving in with me. I teared up. He said that he didn't want the woman he loves to be alone or in a place like that. While I won't get my hopes up completely since he had the thoughts in a cloud of high emotion, it really meant a lot to me for him to feel that way.

After the abnormally long work day and choas of the evening, I fell asleep pretty easily. Unfortunately, I woke up 4 hours or so later wide awake.

I haven't necessarily been upset about what was taken (since it wasn't that much and nothing else was damaged) or that someone went through my stuff. What upsets me is that someone got in. I've had nightmares about that for years and the fact that I can't figure out exactly how they got in worries me more.

In truth, I've been expecting somethin like this to happen for a while. Ever since it has only been 2 women living in the building (and only one with a car to look like someone lives there), I've been aware of how vulnerable the place is. All the doors and locks are dodgy. I'm actually a little surprised it took this long.

As I was lying in bed unable to fall back asleep, I started thinking about my credit report and pay stubs that they may have grabbed (although, if they did, they carefully took the mound of papers in those shelves out because nothing was dropped on the floor). Still, I just feel like this has to be worse than I am realizing right now.

I guess for now, this is another of those unknowns - exactly how this will all turn out between the insurance claim, Doug and me living together, or the increased security at the building. I'm learning to roll with the punches (and blessings), either way.

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So Lucky

On my way in to work this morning, I was listening to a morning show that was talking about how 20-something ladies today want guys to stop doing chivalrous things like opening the door, ordering for them at a restaurant, and pulling the chair out at the table. It started because one of the younger guys on the show said his girlfriend regularly rebuked him for doing such things. 

I think my mouth may have actually been agape. The first time that Doug opened the car door for me, I was greatly impressed. As he has continued to do it - even on just the normal, everyday trip like to Wal-Mart, I have fallen even more in love with him. Thinking of how it makes me feel every time he does it as they were talking about it on the radio not only made me love him more but also made me pity those girls that have never felt that way. 

One of the show hosts spoke up and said that guys do it as a sign of respect and as a message that they consider you to be a special person to them. The girls that don't like guys to do these things also usually go for the guys who do not respect them in other ways and do not respect themselves. Spot on!

I started talking about it with Danielle when I got in the office since she is almost 10 years younger than me so I wondered if she was for or against such chivalrous acts. As I told her what the girls had said on the radio show, her eyes got big in disbelief like mine did. She echoed that she appreciated it when her husband did things like that for her. 

We started speculating as to what might make girls/ladies today not want to be treated that way. I said that of course it was one of the misconstrued messages from women's liberation - that being feminine or allowing a man to do anything for you means you are weak. I fought with those ideas myself and found my ownership and balance in being independent but connecting to a man in a feminine way that can accept his help. Danielle thought that maybe a lot of the girls had never seen their dad treat their mom that way so they didn't know to recognize it, but I pointed out that I had never seen that kind of interaction between my parents which is why I think I appreciate it more. 

I'm sure there are all kinds of complicated reasons for what makes people appreciate or despise certain things in a relationship. All I definitely know is that I have the perfect guy for me, and the fact that we he treats me with respect and I readily accept it is just further proof!

No Turning Back

So, last night Doug called me when he got back from the Tuesday night class he's teaching at Samford to catch up on the day. I had forgotten Horatio had gone to the vet yesterday to get his teeth cleaned. Doug mentioned that he was licking his arm where he had gotten shaved from the IV, and I remembered. When I asked how it had gone, Doug said that H had needed 2 teeth pulled because they were loose and infection could have started to set up. 

Even though H is completely fine, I almost started crying! As someone who didn't grow up with pets, I never understood other people's deep attachment to animals. Now, I miss Horatio when I haven't seen him for a while. I love sitting with him, petting him, and loving on him. One of my favorite things is when I feel him snuggle up against my back and fall asleep during the night when I stay at Doug's.

I love the little guy and feel like he is an incredible bonus to how much I care about Doug. I always thought I would hate having do hair everywhere, but I like it when I look down (especially when I haven't been over in a few days) and see one of his hairs on my pants or coat. It just fills me with warmth. 

Seriously, though, if I get this emotional about our dog, I really couldn't handle having kids :) 

Clotheslined

So, I have A LOT going on right now. I've got work stuff, personal computer stuff, theatre stuff, Sarah's wedding stuff, wound stuff, and just other general "gotta do" stuff. Since I know March is going to be crazy, I decided to buckle down last week and this weekend to work everything out to get a new car and get my current car ready to turn in for my lease ending in April. 

Since my home computer is still smashed, I did car research instead of data cleanup (which REALLY needed to be done) because time-wise, it seemed like my priority. I sent Dad an email on Friday laying out my plans, what I can afford if I take over the lease, and what kind of debt I am already working to pay off. 

In my research on Friday, I found a crazy good deal for a lease under $200 on a Malibu - which would be the same size and power of the Camry I've gotten used to. I had convinced myself that I was going to have to settle for sizing down to get a payment I could handle. I spent 2 hours on Saturday - and was a little late to rehearsal - test driving and discussing details. I was running full speed ahead to get this taken care of and was IMMENSELY proud of myself for handling all this on my own for the first time ever. 

Immediately after rehearsal - as soon as I got in my car - I called Dad to tell him about the deal I had found. I was expecting (I don't know why I was since it's never happened before) for him to be impressed and tell me what great work I did to get this worked out. Instead, as soon as I told him about the car and price, he said, "But your lease isn't up until June." I literally felt like I have been a football player, head down running full speed, and someone had just clotheslined me and laid me on my back. 

Apparently Dad finally called the car guy we have my lease with on Friday to find out specific details on when my lease was up, and when they looked at the paperwork, they found out it is actually up in June. Dad told me in November that that it was up in April and only NOW bothered to find out his information? It should have comforted me knowing that I had more time - especially to get the money to replace my windshield before turning in my current car and more time to pay max on my credit card debt. Instead, it pissed me off. 

I got off the phone with him as quickly as I could and was happy I was heading home because I cried for the next 30 minutes since it was the only outlet I could find for how angry and disappointed I was. I guess it was my fault for trying to be independent and in control of my own life instead of telling Dad every step I made so he knew how hard I was concentrating on it, but still...

Luckily, Doug and I had plans to go out to dinner that night so I had a bit of a distraction, but all weekend since it happened, I have felt drained. I now definitely know what it means to have the wind taken out of your sails. I can't seem to get momentum to do anything since I had all that momentum ripped from me. 

I'm sure in the end that this will work out better, but in the meantime, I get to clean up the mess that I didn't know I was making. 

Karen Send-Off #1

Today at lunch, we had a small memorial gathering for Karen Cheshire at the office. Earlier this week, the organizers asked if I would be one of the speakers since they had wanted someone in our department to speak. Of course, I accepted.

The memorial started out with out Regional Executive Officer Billy getting into a very somber preacher mode to welcome everyone and say an opening prayer. Then we watched a video of pictures of Karen set to an emotional song. When I lose someone, it usually takes a long time and something small for it to "hit me." Seeing a picture of Karen suddenly made the fact that she isn't here real for me. I really felt the loss in that moment. 

First speaker was the board chair in Etowah that had worked rather closely with Karen. He wrote a very God-centered piece that he had written the first day he heard about Karen's death and was trying to process it. 

While everything was touching, I was becoming upset that everything was being so dower. Karen was hilarious and energetic. Yes, she apparently killed herself, but that shouldn't tinge the rest person that we knew. Joy - a chapter exec that Karen had gotten especially close to - got up next and lightened the mood a little. She understandably still teared up often, but she was able to talk about the lighter side of Karen while we had only really been hearing about her spiritual side. 

Then, it was my turn. I wasn't sure what everyone else was going to say so I had a top 5 list that would be funny but easily adaptable based on what everyone else had said. I really made just about the entire speech up on the spot - thank you, improv classes! I worked in references to what had already been said and how similar all of our memories were which spoke highly of her that she gave the same impression to everyone and was her true self with us all. I went through my list of 5 things that would always remind me of her. I kept  a close eye on her sister and long-time friends who had joined us to help gauge if I was bringing up good points to veering into anything painful. I even somehow managed to sum it all up and tie it together that those 5 things were what I would remember, but we would all have out special memories of Karen. 

Immediately after the service portion ended, we milled around to chat and ate the food that had been set out for lunch. Everyone told me what a great job I did and were glad that I had helped really lighten the mood. It's a little upsetting to see how surprised everyone was a what a good speaker I am, but I forget that most people here really do only know me for how I am in the office. 

I'm very glad that I could contribute to honoring Karen in the was she was - funny, encouraging, fun, and loud. I'll get to do this all over again in a more casual setting with a different group of friends next weekend - and with alcohol.

Opportunity

It continues to amaze me how unexpected opportunities find me,  how things I have dreamed of or fantasized about manage to become reality, and how far I have come in 33 years of life.

A few weeks ago, I decided to pull myself out of my pity party for my unhealing wound by volunteering for the Arts de Valentine art show that benefits the Crisis Center. It also just happens to be an erotic art show.

It's funny that a lot of people who go seem to act like they are being subversive (and those who don't go think those that do are perverts), but it is really pieces of art that either feature nude females, alluringly posed males or females, or items that look like (usually female) body parts. I look at and watch porn - stuff in this show is not suggestive to me at all. But, if it turns someone on, good for them.

After working my shift, I made my way to the far end of the room to see the art since it had significantly cleared out, and I could actually see the art. There was one artist that particularly drew my eye.

The pictures were beautiful in their lines and lighting while still exhibiting a sexiness and love of the female form. I wanted to stand there looking at them and taking them in but (1) they were right next to the booth of someone I know and had not gone as gaga over and (2) the artist was talking to some people who were legitimately interested in making a purchase so I didn't want to be in the way. I noticed, however, that among the photos were not only business cards for the photographer but also contact cards for people interested in being models for his photographs.

I calmly took a card and put it in my pocket even though I was incredibly excited and nervous about taking it. I remember seeing a notice for a nude model for an art student my Freshman year at Montevallo. I have not only always regretted not contacting them to do it, I have always imagined being photographed (especially artistically nude) and producing surprisingly beautiful images.

I contacted the photographer a couple of days later. We emailed a bit back and forth setting today as the day for me to come to the studio. I didn't know what to expect but thought we would just talk - it being almost like a job interview to see if they even wanted me.

As soon as I walked in the door, the photographer as his assistant were super nice. I felt completely at ease. We talked about some acquaintances we had in common which led to a discussion about my involvement with theatre. We came around to him discussing the release contract, a bit about what I was interested in (I mainly referred to pictures of his I saw at the event and liked), and that instead of payment that I would get a print of any images they showed or sold of me. All sounded perfectly agreeable to me so we started the test shoot.

Yes, the NUDE test shoot.

I went in their bathroom, got completely undressed, put on the satin floral robe they gave me for while they were setting up, and walked back in the studio. The first picture was part of a new series he was working on that I liked where the nude female held an animal skull in front of her face. It is very striking, and he was immediately happy with the first couple of shots.

He had me turn to a few different angles, and he and his assistant said I had a great butt and curve down to it. For the next hour or so, they put me in various positions on the floor on a chaise lounge and on a table to get different angles and shots. At the end, he was trying a shot of my sitting on the table facing him with my knees pulled up to my chest, my arms extended and crossed down over my legs, and my hair over the top of my head over my knees down my legs. After doing a couple of shots, he said he liked it so much that he wanted to slightly improve the pose so that he could actually use the photo.

He and the assistant were really pleased with even just a quick glance at one of the shots of the pose. He showed me, and I was amazed. The roundness of my hips from the surface I was sitting on with the curve of my crossed hands and the length of my hair really did all come together to make a beautiful picture.

He said that he would not look at the pictures from today for at least 3 days so he could look at them with a fresh eye. He and his assistant, though, had been discussing some real photo shoot ideas the whole time. It seemed like he legitimately had been inspired for ways to use the curves and quality of my body for his art.

As I was about to go get dressed, the assistant (I will definitely learn her name next time) said she would love to put make-up on me sometime, too, and do some headshots because I have great eyes. I pointed out that they are different colors, and they both got excited after taking a close look. The photogrpher put a microlens on his camera and zoomed superclose to get a good image of my eye. They said they had some great ideas for that, too.

I can't even really explain how I felt the whole time. I had that "this is exactly right" feeling like I had when I first visited Montevallo or when I decided to talk to Lori and Angela at the John Mayer show. It felt completely natural (except for my nervousness about whether my posing was good or not). I guess being exposed for so many medical procedures for so many years helped me be pretty much completely unself-conscious.

It blew my mind to consider that I went from a girl who hated her body because whe was overweight and too tall to a girl who hated her body because she was sick and weak to a woman who is comfortable with herself - including her body. When the photographer and assistant kept praising the curve of my lower back to my butt, I told them that it was really funny to me because my brother used to make fun of it and say I had a wierd kind of scoleosis because my back curved in profile so much. They laughed and said that I had a perfect curve and that it is exactly how it is supposed to look. On my way home, I remembered Dad trying to have me do exercises against the floor or door to try to get my back to be straighter and not have so much space between my lower back and the surface it was against. God, I wish I could tell them and that girl at the time how wrong they were.

I am so happy - at least at this point - that I am getting this opportunity. I still don't know if I'll believe it's real or how I'll feel when I actually see some of the pictures, but I do know that I had a great time tonight and have been on a total high since.

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