Lately, the Laura K of Doug and my relationship has been really bugging me. I tried to bring it up with him this weekend - and did touch on it, but I really couldn't even figure out my own feelings on it to be able to communicate it to him. I even asked some of the girls at work whether I was being unreasonable or not (the general consensus was that my feelings were understandable), but my feelings were still nagging at me so I knew it wasn't resolved to where it needed to be.
Last night, it hit me. Here are those revelations.
First of all, I would NEVER make a "her or me" ultimatum. I have a tremendous amount of respect for Laura K, even if I do get a little tired of her "queen bee" attitude sometimes. Of course, some of THAT is probably because I tend towards that at times myself. Birds of a feather, and all that...
Still, I have not been able to figure out why I feel threatened or competitive towards her when I don't have those same feelings toward his exes that he was actually in a romantic relationship with. Doug and LK may have never been physically or romantically involved, but I would venture to call it his longest lasting intimate relationship. They have supported each other through some really emotional life events as well as shared some really fun memories. I never want to take away or tarnish that for either of them. At first, I thought my discomfort with their closeness vs the friendships he maintains with his exes was because he continues that level of emotional intimacy with her when he doesn't with the exes. That may be part of it, but I have realized it goes beyond that.
As I was lying in bed last night, thinking about this and trying desperately to find some truth that could help me move beyond my feelings, I put myself back in the moments when I feel jealous of her or left out in their interactions. I felt insecure. That's what it is - I feel insecure when they are together. Not because I think they are interested in each other or that anything would ever happen between them. I feel insecure that I will never live up to that relationship. I am afraid that the spontaneous improv games they play while watching TV will be something he misses when it's just him and me. I am afraid that I will never have the impact on him that she has in making him who he is today. I am afraid that she has a depth of connection that I will never be able to duplicate, much less surpass.
Yes, he and I have a physical relationship that he has never had with her. But really, what does that matter? Sex can exist without emotional intimacy. While we do have both, I also realize that sex isn't necessarily that winning point that I score in the equation.
Of course, my insecurities are not helped by the fact that LK does like to assert her claim to him often. She loves to spout inside jokes (both in person and via constant text messages) as well as relive trips they've taken together or shows they did together or other life experiences they've shared. I've heard many of them so often in the almost 2 years we've been together that I can practically retell them like they are my own. She has even - on at least 3 occasions - complained about how Doug doesn't bring her coffee in bed anymore now that I'm there.
Now, it is not like he never does anything for her anymore. Just last week, when she came in from work asking if anyone had cooked anything because she was starving (entitled much?), he said no and asked if she wanted him to pop one of her mac and cheese meals in the microwave for her - which he did. Fine - he was up already, no big deal. I did notice, though, that when the microwave went off and he didn't immediately jump up to go get it for her that she seemed more than a little put out. Last night, he was making hot dogs for all of us. He took her plate to her and then went back to the kitchen to get ketchup when she asked for it. So, no, he has not started neglecting her by any means, but she still attributes anything that she can't get him to do anymore to the fact that he's with me.
Ultimately, we are both at fault. She, however, is not going to change. I just have to deal with it an move on. God bless Doug, but he is such a guy that he really doesn't pick up on some of the ways that she tried to stake a claim on him sometimes. I can work on my insecurities, though, by going to the source.
I don't know when (busy week and have to find a time when we aren't around the roommates or he isn't distracted by his frustrations with work), but sometime this week I want to bring up my feelings to him since I have a clearer grasp on them. I know him well enough to know that he will really listen to what I have to say. I also know that he'll laugh a little in that "you're crazy" way we all do then explain how much he cares about me. I had no doubt about his commitment to me, but sometimes I doubt his investment in me.
Part of that doubt is that I have SUCH intense emotion for him, and I don't have a history of other relationships to know how these things play out. He has, though, been in a few relationships. I can't help but wonder if I'm like those - relationships that worked in the moment but were lacking something that made them end - or if I'm different and will be the one that we wants to make last. I know that means a lot of work, and I think we're both in for that. At the same time, we won't get to that point if we don't lay things out for each other - even when it's just me getting caught up in my own thoughts.
