It's Finally OK

 Ever since I started my position at UAB, I'm had moments where I've truly realized the stress I was under fitting myself into the position at United Ability. Not just "I'm so busy" stress but "I'm existing outside all my comfort zones on a constant basis and trying like hell to survive" stress. 

Don't get me wrong - I am thankful for my time there. It definitely has given me insight into fundraising experiences that will help me through the rest of my career, and I could not have asked for better people to work with for 6+ years. I definitely would not be the person I am now or even be as good as I am at my job without that experience (not would I have gone through the Upward Program in an attempt to improve my performance - which has truly changed my life). 

In early November (only 2 months in my new job), I got my first "Great Job" email. I realized that either I had not really heard praise in my previous environment or I didn't ALLOW myself to hear it because I constantly felt like such a failure. Marylyn repeatedly (and I think sincerely) tells me how glad she is I'm here, and other leadership has told her and me how much they enjoy working with me and what great work I've already done. They says I "get it" unlike the team has before. 

I know that Alison doled out praise for events or other work, but I think there was also just a prevailing mindset (because we acknowledged it from time to time) of "that was great, now let's move to the next thing." I also ONLY saw my shortcomings on all my accomplishments because so much of my job was stuff I could do but were NOT my strengths. 

Working in my true strengths (at least during this possible Honeymoon phase) is a completely different world. Yesterday, Marylyn posted in the Team asking if I'd let everyone know about the Task Form changes I'd made in Prod and letting me know the team needs to discuss all potential changes in Prod before they are made. In the past, I would have broken out in a cold sweat - my fight or flight response ignited - at being "called out," but I completely took it in stride this time. I saw it merely as a communication/reminder/gentle course correction. It wasn't construed in my head as a personal attack (not that ANY of my managers have ever intended feedback as a personal attack, but my neural system interpreted it that way) because I wasn't already attacking myself. 

On Saturday, I ran sound for ETC's Holiday 'Spolsion with no tech run through and without being familiar with most of the show. Doug made a cue sheet, and I thought I'd noted them all to make sure I didn't miss any or mess them up. I did great...until the last one that was supposed to be triggered by a line for the whole cast to start singing along. It was the only cue that I misread the notes for an hit the WRONG key so started a whole different song TWICE before finally getting the right one. Again, I would have beaten myself up and relived the moment over and over before. This time, I finally understood the "like water off a duck's back" saying. I apologized, of course, but that was it - I couldn't change it, the world hadn't started turning because I did it - done and move on. 

Despite having an ongoing ear infection (possible burst ear drum) for a month that has REALLY bothered me AND a UTI that exhausted me at the same time, I haven't felt as worn down as I used to. I've also been more gentle with myself and been ok not accomplishing all I want to (especially around the house). I think THAT is part of my being so burned out so much earlier this year and just physically/mentally/emotionally not being able to do much of anything. I've realized it's ok and it'll get done at some point. 

I am worried what darkness may be around the corner (because that's how life seems to balance out), but MANY times in the last week, I've found myself realizing I'm happy and joyful. I am in awe of my life and realize I have checked so many of the boxes for what I'd wanted for my future when I was a kid. If I could only go back to those hardest times to let myself know it really would be ok one day. 

Who's the parent?

 I may have written about this before, but I'm too busy/lazy to look back, but even if I DID, this is new info. 

I came across the term "Parentification" several months ago, and I read little on it. It "felt" like it referred to my situation with Mom, but descriptions I found referred more to having to take on parental responsibilities around the house or with other siblings more than being the confidant of the parent. 

Well, today I found a brief, simple article that was aimed right. at. me:

“Parentification is when a child has to fulfill the roles and responsibilities of a parent. This may occur because the parent has asked the child to take on this role or because the child notices that no one else is filling the role,” Dr. Cara Goodwin, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist, tells SheKnows. “Parentification may include being responsible for household tasks such as cleaning or cooking, caring for younger siblings, or serving as emotional support for their parents.”

What causes parentification?

Parentification can occur for many reasons, says Goodwin, including the parent’s own family background or attachment issues that may cause them to unconsciously see their children as parental figures.

“For example, the parent may have experienced abuse or neglect themselves as a child. This type of history may lead parents to have particular cognitions and attitudes (such as believing that their child is mature enough to handle the role), which then lead them to parentify a child.”

What is emotional parentification?

“Emotional parentification is when a child feels responsible for helping to regulate the parent’s emotions and to provide advice and guidance to their parent,” Goodwin says. Examples include:

When a child has to help a parent to manage symptoms of anxiety and depression.

When two parents are arguing and the child has to mediate the conversation.

When a parent gets into the habit of talking to a child about financial stressors.

When a parent asks a child for relationship advice.

When a parent burdens a child with the problems they are facing in their own life.

https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/parentification-reversal-roles-between-parents-205349628.html

That almost could've been MY letter

 Earlier this week, I finally watched the movie "Coco" about family forgiveness and being remembered (centered around Dia de Muertos culture). It did once again bring up the fact that I have a strained relationship not only with my family but with the idea of "family." 

This morning, I saw an advice article about parent-child relationships. A father had written to the columnist about how he felt like his daughter was using "boundary" talk as a way to push him out of her life and that it has been happening since her early teens, but he his love for he is so big he doesn't know what to do. There was a lot of what he said that I'm sure echoes what Mom would say about me (except she - whether begrudgingly or not - has given me more space and grace than the writer has to his daughter). 

The columnist's response was so spot-on and insightful that I wanted to be sure to keep the text where I could refer to it as needed. I'm removing the portions that aren't as applicable and changing "Dad" in the text to "Mom" to help make it a more direct connection in my mind. Bold text is my own emphasis. 

I can hear how much you want to have a closer relationship with your daughter, and how hurt, frustrated, and confused you are by her behavior. You seem to be in so much pain, in fact, that it’s causing you to ignore her requests—even if doing so causes her pain—and to go so far as to consider estranging yourself from her by refusing to have what you call a “bounded” relationship.

Any parent who feels rejected by her child would find the experience painful, especially if the perceived rejection has been there for years. But I think what has kept you locked in this pain has been your misinterpretation of her message to you. What you have been hearing is: Stay away from me. But what she has been doing is offering you an invitation: I want you in my life, Mom, but in a way that will allow me the space to come closer. In other words, by asking you for some distance, your daughter is not pushing you away but desperately trying to connect with you.

To understand this paradox better, let’s step back and look at when you first noticed your daughter “pulling away”—in her early teens. This age coincides with the important developmental stage in which children begin a process of separation and individuation and assert themselves as distinct individuals. This pulling away is crucial for healthy development because it helps teens form a sense of self on the path to adulthood: Who am I separate from my parents? What do I believe? What gives me pleasure, passion, and purpose? What choices and paths make sense for me? Who are my people? Which parts of my life do I want to keep private and which do I want to share?

When parents encourage this process while also being present and available, their teens grow into adulthood feeling loved and valued for who they are. As a result, they tend to have an easier rapport with their parents, safe in the knowledge that they can be both separate and connected at the same time, able to ask for and negotiate their relational needs. But when parents interfere with this process, those teens can grow into adults who push for the autonomy they were never offered at the appropriate time. When your daughter says that you treat her “like a child,” that’s because as she moved through her teens and 20s, you didn’t support her independence. You continue to chafe at her attempts to make her own choices and navigate her own space.

The good news is that now you have the opportunity to do things differently, especially if you understand that her request for boundaries is a bid to build closeness. Boundaries are what create trust, comfort, and safety in a relationship by defining what is and isn’t okay. You say that you don’t think you want a “bounded relationship,” but all healthy relationships—romantic, platonic, and familial—are “bounded relationships” in the sense that relationships aren’t free-for-alls. What your daughter seems to be asking for in attempting to set these boundaries is this: that you honor her personhood as separate from yours.

I don’t think that you want to lose your daughter, but if you continue to reject her attempts to repair this relationship, that’s exactly what could happen. So I’m going to ask you to listen closely to what she’s been trying so hard to say, even if she hasn’t presented it this way. Here’s what I’m hearing from her:

Mom, we’ve been struggling for a long time. We both feel misunderstood, angry, hurt, and unheard. It will be sad for both of us if we can’t repair our relationship. This tension has sat between us for so long that I believe we can’t solve this on our own. It would mean the world to me if you would speak with a therapist to try to understand why it’s been hard for you to see where I’m coming from when I ask to be treated like an adult. Please know that I’m only asking because having a relationship with you is important to me, and it’s painful to contemplate spending the rest of our lives in conflict with each other. I might be an adult and ask to be treated as one, but like most adults of any age, I still long for a meaningful relationship with my mother, which is why I’m fighting so hard for it.

I know you see my request for fewer phone calls as pushing you away, but I’m making that request in order to keep you in my life. I’m hopeful you’ll begin to hear me differently, and when that happens, we can become closer over time. I know you don’t intend to hurt me. 

My greatest hope, Mom, is that you’ll accept my suggestion as an invitation into my life, because despite the friction between us, the last thing I want is to lose you, and I’m afraid that this is exactly where we’re headed. You say that you love me deeply, and I believe that you do, but you don’t seem to realize that the way you’re showing your love doesn’t feel loving to me at all. For me, a big part of feeling loved is knowing that my feelings and well-being matter to you. Do I matter enough to you to get some help with this? Or are you willing to risk losing the very thing both of us want so badly—a loving mother-daughter relationship?

She’s still waiting for your answer. The choice is yours.

Source: https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2022/05/parent-child-relationship-healthy-boundaries/643121/ 

Leaving "family" for the next step in professional maturity

 It's my penultimate day at United Ability (well, in reality it's kinda my last day since I'm only working tomorrow morning before my goodbye lunch). 

As I've been trying to prepare instructional documents and videos to guide staff on the database and my other responsibilities in my absence and started clearing out my office, I've really begun to realize how overwhelmed I've been and for how long. I was so behind that I don't know how I could ever dig out, and I don't know how my workload would have ever been actually lightened - everyone was SO accustomed to coming to me for so much. 

At the same time, I've also realized how much I really do love this place - and especially how much I have loved the people I work with. This is NOT a sentiment I've had at ANY previous employer. 

Feeling a true emotional connection to the organization and my co-workers makes leaving really hard. I feel like I'm abandoning them and that I'm leaving them to pick up the overwhelm I've been suffering from.

I know processes will suffer, but I also hope that many things improve when someone else realizes that things need to work better (and may have better ideas on how to make that happen than I did). 

I'm also terrified of my new job. I'm incredibly excited and feel like this is a true turning point in my life and career, but I definitely have that voice of doubt yelling in my ear.

Thinking over almost all my past jobs, I've always felt like I lucked into the job or really got it because of my connections. While I completely believe that my connections got me on the radar for the UAB job, this is the first time that I truly feel like I EARNED the hire. My skills, my perspective, and my appreciation for the organization helped me legitimately beat out the competition. 

I keep wanting to kind of reinvent myself - or at least how I present myself. I have dressed down (partly because I've felt beaten down) for so long that I want to embrace my professional maturity in how I present myself. I also recognize my propensity to want to cut ties with the past whenever I have a new start - and clothing is an easier way for that. I'm also trying to not waste money and make sure I'm choosing the RIGHT fashion for my new environment so I've held off on actual purchases.

I realized last night, though, that I'm starting to feel grown up for the first time. I don't feel like I'm clinging to (or need to cling to) my college identity. I guess that was such a major turning point time in my life that I've been mentally "stuck" there in a lot of ways, but I *feel* like this is a start for a new chapter and the next step for my "self." 

Of course, these may not last and this may just be the glorifying of the unknown before reality sets in, but this really has been a completely different experience than I've ever had leaving a job and my anticipation of the new one. THAT, at least, deserves to be recognized and honored. 

It's all lead to this

 Yesterday, I officially set the dates for my last day at United Ability and the first day at UAB. 

I keep finding myself looking at new clothes and was even looking at pins to order to decorate the backpack I'll be carrying (since I'll be trekking back and forth to a parking deck everyday). 

I realized - I feel like I'm starting a new year at school. Like I'm deciding how I want to present myself for this new opportunity and these new people. Like there is such promise ahead. 

I also realized that I truly, for the first time I can remember, feel grateful for my past experiences. It's like I can see the different seeds of lessons they each planted that are finally blossoming in my life. 

This literally may be the first job I've ever had where I feel like I'm running TOWARD something instead of trying to escape something.

I also realized today that my attitude has matured as I'm trying to set up United Ability to be ready when I leave. At first, I felt overwhelmed by the responsibility I was putting myself to make sure they knew what my plans were so they could follow through, but that's not right. I want to make sure they have the basics, but I honestly think that the path they find from here is going to be better than what I had in mind. 

This is an uncharacteristically optimistic and hopeful period for me. It is truly rare (which also scares me a bit). 

I have felt like I have been off the "track" of my life - what I kind of thought was "supposed" to be happening, and I feel like I've finally crossed back onto it and am moving in the direction I was meant to.

A Wave of Relief

 Tuesday was ROUGH! 

One week after the Dev Team's 4.5+ hour-long JOH planning meeting where people were assigned specific tasks and deadlines were set, NOTHING HADBEEN DONE by anyone else by this week's meeting. 

Charlotte keeps making excuses (which doesn't push the event date any further back), Carla and David keep being flippant like everything will magically come together (even though it hasn't in 3 months), and everyone keeps questioning decisions WE'VE ALREADY SETTLED ON. Charlotte literally said, "Well, it's been busy with a big event and United Ability Day." I said that it shouldn't be because of 2 things that happen every year. 

When I got home, I - out of complete desperation - decided to try to vent to Doug (who instead got frustrated back at me because of the energy I was dumping on him, hurt myself, and ended up passing out early since we weren't talking). I was definitely in a state and not sure how to recover. I am again in advanced burnout tangoing with depression. 

However, yesterday morning, I got the salvation I was hoping for (yes, that is intentionally exaggerated) - Marylyn called to offer me the Assistant Director of Advancement Info and Analysis position, and at almost double what I'm currently making. Doug was shocked because it took him "20 years of working at UAB to make that much"- we'll literally be within a couple thousand of each other on salary. WOW!

Marylyn sounded legitimately excited to choose me. She let me know that it seriously had been a difficult decision, and she was amazed by the talent who had applied. But, she said that reading my essay answers and seeing my thought process made it absolutely clear I was the right fit. 

I doubt myself a lot. Not only because those were the messages I was sent for my entire childhood but also because I have had a pretty unconventional path to finding my professional strengths. Without the formal training (that it at least SEEMS others have since I don't always know the correct terminology to use), I always wonder if I'm actually as skilled as I think I am. It always kind of bothered me that I've never tried to be poached (as dumb as that is). But this really feels like a major moment of validation. 

Marylyn did, however, let me know this was the "soft offer" where we basically officially decide to move forward with all the official HR and Finance steps required to make it reality. She said that part (in typical UAB fashion) could end up taking weeks to complete on top of my 30 days' notice for my current position so not to be too hasty. 

I do, though, want to let Charlotte have a heads up so we can possibly start putting measures in place to smooth the transition a bit. 

My guilt of leaving (since I really do care so much about United Ability) has been significantly eased as Tina (our COO who has worked here 43 years) just announced her retirement effective next week, and 2 long-time staff at Hand In Hand are apparently leaving soon. I interpret this exodus as top performers being wrung out and making way for new energy. 

If the remaining and new staff will have the positive outlook required, I think this would be an incredible opportunity for new growth and expansion.

When the energy isn't there

 At the end of the day Friday, I received an email from Marylyn about the UAB job letting me know I am a finalist but also asking me to respond to 3 questions to give her a better understanding of my approach to given situations. I was actually energized by the request - these were situations I face constantly in my current position.

Of course, though, this was a BUSY weekend - laundry, cleaning, Chris' show Saturday night, prepping and scheduling all ETC social media promotion since I will not have time all week for next weekend's shows, and FINALLY typing out my well-thought-out answers to Marylyn's questions. The ETC work along took 3.5 hours or so. I didn't get to finally sit down to type my answers until after 3:00 on Sunday afternoon. 

When I did finally did get started, of course it took a little time to get "in the zone" and it helped to talk through the first question with Doug. It took my 4 hours ultimately to type everything out, get Doug's input, and proofread it 3 times before sending. Ultimately, I feel very confident with my responses, and if she doesn't feel like I'm the right fit because of them, then I'm definitely NOT the right fit. 

In processing her questions and putting myself mentally in the team to answer, I started thinking about my track at United Ability. It's often hard for me to see beyond the point I'm currently in. So, it wasn't until I really started thinking about years ago that I realized I used to actually be jovial and be the person that did silly things to lift the team's spirits during super busy or stressful times. I look at a lot of the cheap toys on my desk, and they are things that I bought for everyone just to make them smile. I haven't done this in a LONG time because I haven't had the lightness in my spirit to think about it. 

I literally do feel like my spirit is broken and my heart is weighed down. Walking into work often feels like a fight or flight survival response trying to protect me from someone who has severely hurt me. 

I don't have it in me to keep fighting - especially when I so frequently feel like I'm fighting alone. 

Yesterday, during my break between ETC posts and starting my answers for Marylyn, I finished watching the first season of The Bear on FX. It's a super fast paced show about running and working in a kitchen (to SUPER over simplify the plot). The head chef and sous chef have butted their heads against the wall trying to coax the other kitchen staff to go in a new direction, but slowly everyone is coming on board and starting to excel. 

But, watching through my life experiences, it felt like there was constantly the opportunity for destruction lurking on the edges. Then, it happened. One major eff up shattered  everything, and (at least through my interpretation), the strength that the leaders were trying to manufacture to keep improvements afloat until they took root disintegrated. In that moment, all energy that had been diverted to taking one for the team and putting on a good face had to be instantly shifted and refocused on the disaster at hand. 

I feel like that's the situation I've been in. I have been working hard to keep juggling all the projects dropped on me and also TRY to be friendly/encouraging. But the moments when I just don't have the energy to do anything but survive are when my full negativity and desperation come out. Then THAT depresses me, and it's hard to find my feet again.

I'm tired of having to give myself pep talks and doing emotional deep dives just to make it through the day at work. And then being so emotionally and energetically depleted that everything else  in my life suffers. I've come SO far improving my eating and health habits in the last few months. Whatever slivers of energy I have are being focused on maintaining that for the longterm benefits. Even that's becoming harder. 

I also struggle with the inevitable feelings of abandonment my UA team - and even my Dad - are going to direct at me whenever I finally leave. Even though I have tried to be open about my struggles with my workload, it doesn't seem to have landed since my requests for help have gone unanswered. Of course, I keep blaming myself for not being able to cut it, but I honestly don't know how anyone could do better. 

Emotional Breadcrumbs

 God bless the internet. 

Of course, I am on a constant journey to understand pieces of why I am how I am - and to gain a better understanding of my family background to forgive. 

Today, Yahoo had this article about emotionally neglected kids: https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/10-things-emotionally-neglected-kids-153003243.html

It reads like a checklist of how I felt growing up (i.e., ignored, invalidated, muted). "Talking about a problem with unnecessarily burden other people" - I got this unspoken message not only from Mom and Dad but from Margaret and other "friends," too. Definitely the same with "Relying on another is setting yourself up for disappointment." 

It also talked about the message that it isn't good to be too happy or too sad. I STILL remember the day in World Lit class when I felt like I heard myself laugh for the first time. I think one of the reasons I laughed so freely and loudly when I lived with Allison (one of our neighbors referred to us as the "Giggle Girls" one time) was that I never really felt like I was allowed to do that at home. If I laughed out loud at something on TV, it would be met (usually judgmentally from Dad) with "What's so funny in there?" There's a reason why I felt safer closed up in my room by myself (no one to judge). 

Of course, I STILL don't feel comfortable crying in front of people. Hell, I still feel strange allowing myself to cry in private. While I don't have specific memories about that, I'm sure I was told sternly at some point to stop crying (because that would be on brand). 

The article also lists "Others are not interested in what you have to say." I also remember the first time - as an adult - that I was telling a stupid little anecdote but realized that my friends were actually listening to me. Honestly, it still simultaneously excites and terrifies me when someone really is listening. I honestly did not feel heard or listened to at all growing up. 

But the thing about this article is not only that I feel seen and validated in how I have felt about my childhood, but I actually can see how Mom and Dad most likely experienced a lot of this within THEIR childhoods. Of course they wouldn't really know better - how would they have gotten the tools in their lives to that point to raise their kids differently? I do think that both of them (for better or worse) would have raised us differently now than they would have then. 

I think validating or owning what you have experienced doesn't necessarily make the one(s) that made you feel that way automatically evil. Mom and Dad absolutely did not intentionally overlook me or bully me. That's what they knew, and they were functioning from their own wounds. I wish the me back then could've recognized that. And, to some extent, maybe I did in some ways that's why I always felt such a responsibility to protect Mom.

It also makes me feel so justified in NOT raising kids myself. Even with the personal work I have done and continue to do, I think I would have still passes along a lot of the same wounds to my own kids. Right now, I'm just thankful that my marriage and career path are coming out of that origin darkness to really bloom.

The Ride Continues

 I actually started writing the previous post a few days ago but finished it today as I was trying to gather my overall thoughts for the day. Then I topped another hill on my ride. 

Backing up a bit - when I got to work this morning, my COO happened to see me in the parking lot and notified me someone I'd sat across a table from in a meeting a couple of days ago tested positive for COVID. She talked me through protocols - wearing a masks, testing in 5 days, continuing to wear the mask 5 days after that. Ok, fine. 

I immediate send Doug a heads up email and texted Julie a heads up since she came over for dinner last night and will be travelling next week. I'm not super worried for me since I just got my 2nd booster shot a few weeks ago and didn't really THAT close to him during the meeting anyway. 

I assessed my interactions for the next week to figure out if there were any plans to change or anyone to notify why they will see me wearing a mask. Thankfully, I should be out of the possible transmission danger zone before we go to visit both our families for 4th of July weekend. 

So, after I've convinced myself this is a relatively minor blip on inconvenience, I check my email. Big ol' subject line: Interview: UAB, Assistant Director - Advancement Information Services. My heart sinks while my frustration rages. They want to set up a serious of interviews - lasting 5 hours - next week. 

Of course, the thought crossed my mind that I say nothing, schedule the interview, and hope I stay asymptomatic and negative. Then again, hoping doesn't always serve me well, and I just saw this completely coming back to bite me in the butt. 

Instead, I summoned all my adultness and responded that I was excited to progress to the next stage of interviews for the position, but I (out of an abundance of caution) needed to let her know of my recent exposure and what precautions I am taking. I asked her to let me know how this impact the interview scheduling timeline. 

I'm actually really proud of the words I was able to string together and sincerely hope that it shows what an upstanding candidate for employment I am. Plus, I respect UAB enough not to waltz on campus and possibly expose all kinds of folks. 

So, there was ALMOST a light at the end of the tunnel, but now it's gotten moved off. I know it is unrealistic that this affects my chances at the job in any way - at least not in a negative way, but it still sucks that I'M the one who has to pump the breaks when the wheels were finally starting to roll. 

Then again, I keep trying to remind myself to trust the timing. There may be a really good reason - beyond possibly making people sick - that I didn't need to interview next week. Maybe this was the sign God was sending me NOT to apply for the Kemper job this weekend like I was planning to. 

I don't know. All I do know is that I hope my booster worked and that I don't get sick (or, ever worse, get Doug sick for his closing weekend of Clue).

Rollercoasters of a Job Search

I am an impatient person. 

I like checklists. I like schedules. I like to know when and how something is happening so I can prepare.

SO, waiting to find out about a job is pretty damned excruciating! 

To lessen the pain, I had pretty much convinced myself that I wasn't actually a good fit for the UAB position. They found someone so much better that they were more interested in. Etc. 

Just in case my email I sent after my phone interview ended up in the Junk Folder, I sent an email just before Memorial Day replying to my previous email and thanking her for bringing up Trello in the interview. I told her I'm trying to implement it with my team since responsibilities are changing a bit with my new supervisor. With continued silence, I gave up. 

Last Thursday, once again fed up with my position, I was looking at other job postings to see if there were other options. I found a data job at Kemper that would also be almost an exact fit for my skills, but I have no idea what the pay would be. I emailed the job to myself so I'd have the link to apply over the weekend. Just before I left the office, I realized I never saw the email come through so I checked my Spam folder. Not only was that email there, BUT SO WAS A REPLY FROM MARYLYN FROM MONDAY!

I feel like there is some sort of cosmic sign - or joke - that I found her response when looking for another job. When I got home, I replied to Marylyn's email to let her know uab.edu emails were going to Spam with my Yahoo Mail (including Doug's who has been emailing me for 10+ years).

In her response, she asked if I was still interested in the position because she would like to have their admin contact me to schedule meeting(s) with their interview committees. I, of course, responded I am still interested and look forward to meeting with everyone. Just to cover myself, I also called the next afternoon to leave a message letting her know I'd replied just in case email is conspiring against us. 

Now, I continue waiting and also wondering if I should go ahead and apply at Kemper...

Back at United Ability, I continue to get signs/signals/reminders that this position isn't right for me. 

Two weeks ago, at Charlotte's invitation, the entire Dev Team attended an AFP luncheon about storytelling and fundraising. As these women talked about sharing stories but avoiding a voyeur quality and understanding your donor, I just felt flat and almost repulsed. I am so tired of assessing every person or business as a dollar sign. Especially when I'm feeling the additional fundraising pressure of event sponsorships, but I am exhausted from making mental (or physical) notes about potential asks.

This past weekend was Euphonious - a local music festival that has chosen to partner with United Ability to raise awareness, help us build relationships, and directs some funds. Watching David make connections and hearing how Charlotte spoke to the Tito's rep, Board Members, and others all weekend to walk away with sponsorships and silent auction items just astounds me. Even being at the event is my nightmare - crowds, socializing, etc... much less the whole "relationship building" thing. 

In Tuesday's team meeting, David was talking about how there was such little staff interest in attending the event and how staff seem not to really be connected to our mission. I offered that extending your work outside business hours would need to be a culture for the organization, but it also reminded me of how Red Cross work was considered a lifestyle because it absorbed all parts of your life.

I know it is partially because that is how fundraising works and partially just their personalities, but David and Charlotte seem to never be off work. And, THAT is not how I want to function.

I spent so much of my life trying to figure out what I am good at and what my career path is - and experimenting with that - that I don't know I've really sat down and outlined what I do/do not want in a job:

- Data focused - making data consistent and easily accessible, figuring out what information and reports will help make work more efficient and effective

- NOT relationship based - sure, I'll need to get along with co-workers and clients (depending on the position) but I don't want to feel like I'm expected to deeply connect and maintain interactions on a personal level. I don't want to keep track of your recent major milestones, etc. 

- No more events - I have never actually liked putting together events. Sure, I'm good at it and I prefer to have a purpose at social gatherings, but I am  at an age where I would like to be able to relax at an event and even to be able to choose what I wear based on style rather than on how much work I can comfortably do. 

- I want to develop skills that interest me - I would love to learn some programming languages. I would be interested in focusing on systems to achieve project goals. As much as I do enjoy having the creative outlet I've developed through basic design skills, I know that isn't the longterm direction for my career so I've sort of hit my limit on it. 

- More settled - At Red Cross, we were so directed by disaster that it never felt like we could catch our breath or make a plan. At United Ability, Alison changed how we did campaigns and events every year so we never got a rhythm. Now, I feel like I'm sort of starting over in a lot of ways between a new CEO, new supervisor, rebuilding the Junior Board. Honestly, I am worn out and worn down - I don't know that I have it in me to put a structure back in place. 

One of the things that I learned in Upward was my stress responses when parts of my life are in conflict with my personality or my comfort zone. I have REALLY noticed - since maybe even March - that I seem to be constantly in "wounded animal mode" again. I was in that place when I was in Upward but I couldn't figure out why. Through what I learned, I recognized where perceived expectations were butting up against how I saw myself or wanted to operate. I worked really hard to retrain my neural pathways to respond differently. 

Seeing this regression in the last few months makes me sad and (honestly) scares me a bit. I'm afraid I will always default to lashing out and sounding angry when I feel like I am operating from a hurt state. 

As much as I feel like the UAB job is the right direction, I am also TERRIFIED! What if isn't right for me? What if I don't actually have the skills they need? What if I only think that path is a better fit for me then I look back and realize my position at United Ability actually was a better situation for me than I realized? I think all of those thoughts/concerns/anxiety are standard for anyone changing job and/or employers. I'm just trying to balance that against the confident version I need to put forward to even have a chance of being seriously considered for the job. 

So, I feel stuck. Stuck in a job that I know I'm wrong for and don't even want to keep pushing myself to try to fit into anymore. But also stuck by not having a clear answer for getting out - to not only benefit myself but also United Ability's work. 

On top of that, I don't feel like I really have anyone to talk to about it. I would have felt most comfortable confiding  in Daphne since she knows the UAB team operations better and could calm my fears or instill confidence of my abilities. Doug just either keeps telling me that I absolutely have the job or telling me what I need to do to fix my current situation (he means well but it's not what I need). I can't tell anyone at work because I don't want to shoot myself in the foot or scare them without a clear exit plan. I don't want to give an inkling to my family since Dad is so connected to UA and would absolutely let the cat out of the bad. Allison definitely doesn't understand, Sherri seems to be focused on her own stuff still and have barely contacted me since she moved, Carisa really doesn't know enough about this part of my life to give feedback. Looks like I need to set up a heart to heart with my HR coach extraordinaire Lori. 

Trying to stay the course but I don't like it

 Man, the life revelations just keep coming! The interesting thing is how some of the biggest ones come in the most subtle ways. 

Last week - seemingly out of the blue - I connected a lot of dots around my perfectionism. Dad's comment YEARS ago (best I can estimate - 1st or 2nd Grade) when I came home with a 100 on a spelling test I'd not studied for because I had forgotten about was, "Well, you still need to study. It won't always be easy for you to do so well" (or something to that effect, anyway). I've never understood why I remember that so vividly or why it has always been in my head. Suddenly, I realized that it - I guess subconsciously - has driven me that great is never enough. I am always going above and beyond because what is already more than everyone else isn't good enough. 

I also realized that I push myself - to the point of destruction (i.e., my recent burnout) to excel and master things that I am not good at and that I don't even want to be good at. All of the fundraising relationship building pieces of my current job are in such direct opposition to my energizing strengths. Sure, it is good to experiment with potential interests - and I am SO thankful I've been able to do that in this organization, but I also haven't given myself permission to NOT do it all perfectly and not to even not try to do it in the first place. I recently connected the "I need to be good at everything" back to being thrust into piano lessons for YEARS. I never wanted to play the piano and it definitely is not something that came to me even with a lot of work. I've always felt guilty and wrong for not being able to do it. I am trying to remind myself (on multiple issues) that EVERYTHING cannot be a strength and something I master. I need to focus more on what I do well and work more on cooperating with others that fill in where I am weak. 

Of course, when you are now in a position and working with people who expect actions from you because you've done them in the past (even though you hated it and now really want to remove it from your repertoire), it's hard to redivert your energy in the way that is best for you. 

Oh! That's another realization I had. I was trying to revisit some of the times I've blown up over situations where someone has done something that I perceive - or that has been proven - not to be the best way to do it. For example - the JOH sponsor mailing that Alison started designing and planning all on her own (but now isn't here to carry out) then Carla picked up (but is on vacation for a week and a half when Charlotte is trying to send it). I got (as usual) easily frustrated at the lack of communication and coordination. I think that the majority of the time, I get whipped  up when shit goes wrong BECAUSE I END UP BEING THE ONE TO FIX IT. 

Now, I probably became the default one to fix it because I always volunteered because (1) I have a problem solving brain so do often have a more successful solution than others I work with and (2) see above for "great is never good enough" and "I have to be adept at EVERYTHING." So, is this once again a prison of my own making, yep probably. 

Monday morning, we finally got the art for a mailing envelope that was reformatted by who-knows-who several months ago and ordered for print by who-knows-who. I got in a tizzy because (1) how the hell is there no institutional knowledge or resource to track such info and (2) I thought it was stupid to put our website under the return address. David pointed out that it's under the return address on all our envelopes and has been. I realized - why do I care so much and why am I getting so upset if no one else cares? I get more worked up than other people about  a lot of stuff a lot of the time when it actually doesn't affect me at all - EXCEPT for the energy I am expending on it. 

So, back to extracting myself from a job situation where I have set these expectations for myself and my performance that I no longer wish to do/be associated with. I have tried to remind myself that any hiring takes time (especially at UAB) and that their timetable is not the same as mine. I am trying to hard to trust the process and recognize there is a higher authority running the plan that I may not be able to see yet. 

But it is also creeping in more and more where this may be a repeat of the Tire Pros/Sloss Realty debacle. I am a big believer that sometimes life works like a story - elements come together in a specific way to lead to a turn in the story. I still don't understand why the possibility of the opportunity to be Catherine Sloss' assistant crossed my path if it wasn't going to bear out. But, it did and the revocation of that potential promise to improve my life destroyed me in the longrun. I am SO, SO afraid that although I recognize my unhealthy behaviors and attitudes last time that lead me down such a dark path and I am trying hard not to repeat them, that I am progressing that way anyway. 

I kept getting minor, every day requests that someone who loved this position and thrived at it would not only not bat an eye at but would probably jump at. Since it is often in direct opposition (i.e., socializing, work outside of work, etc) to my personal goals and interests, it just adds one more point for why I want to leave. BUT, the most promising option - the one that has the seemingly "this can't fail" lead up to it (the UAB job) is silent. So of course, I go into desperation mode and wonder if there is anything else out there, but then I fear that I'll get into something else right as UAB finally comes through - and then have I royally effed myself? 

I'm trying to stay the course, I'm trying to improve myself for what's next, I'm trying to benefit UA in the best possible way I can no matter what. But, I'm also in a holding pattern without any idea what may be next. I don't like it. 

How do you UNburn?

 Something happened yesterday that is THE most perfect real life illustration of a more ephemeral experience, and I don't think I could have WRITTEN it better!

When I came in, there was a gift on my desk (apparently from our CEO Susan as a late bday present) that had a candle in it. My next door office neighbor (a different Susan) was burning a candle when I came in that morning. After lunch, my office smelled STRONGLY of roasted cauliflower so I have the brilliant idea to light my new candle (which smoked more than I expected when I lit it and blew it out). Well, unbeknownst to me, my neighbor Susan called maintenance about a burning smell. 

Did I own up to lighting a match, lighting a candle, and causing the burning smell? No! Do I know why not? No!

However, the irony of hiding burning (or in the greater scheme of my recent life - burnout) because of not having the energy to deal with it, being afraid of how others would react, etc. was not lost on me. 

I think part of the familiarity of being unhappy in my employment situation, feeling like a general failure, lack of direction or spur to do anything is the fact that I am 100% burnout. It has now happened to this extreme point at least twice before that I recognize the pattern (too late unfortunately). For example, I only realized this week (as I've started the slow process of coming out of burnout) that I've started "trying" when I get dressed in the morning. For the last month or so, I put on "whatever" and didn't even put on my everyday rings because I just couldn't deal with it. 

One of the few good-ish things about burnout is that I am in a weakened state where some of my usual emotional defenses are lowered and where I am so desperate to improve my situation that I start doing some deep dives into my background. This (and some recent TV shows) have brought some interesting things to light. 

1) Lance's teenage pregnancy journey - On Young Sheldon last week, the oldest son (who is 17) found out he'd gotten his girlfriend pregnant. I was honestly surprised by the feelings it brought up - one of which was the way-too-late revelation that I've always been focused about how Lance getting Vicki pregnant affected my life and Mom and Dad, but I've never stepped back and considered how HE felt. The fear, shock, concern, excitement - I don't know - that he felt when HE found out he was going to be a dad at 15. I have spent so much of my life until now feeling hurt BY him (for a number of reasons) that I've never flipped around to stand in his shoes to consider his pain.

2) Mom's Miscarriage - On Call the Midwife, one of the newly-married main characters found herself having a miscarriage early in her pregnancy, but the pain (emotional and physical) it detailed in her portrayal finally made me realize what Mom actually went through when she lost a baby between Lance and me.

Maybe because our family never really talked about feelings or maybe because she didn't want to take herself back to that experience, but I've only really heard bits and pieces of the story - all of which were not told with a lot of emotion so I just sort of thought, "well, no big deal." Except that it really had to be! I don't know how far along she was, but I think she was already able to feel it move. She had to have the miscarriage medically induced because there was suddenly no heartbeat - it didn't start on its own. I'm sure Dad wasn't as supportive then as I think he might be now, AND they had a small child at home to take care of while going through this. I literally can't imagine. 

3) Struggles with feeling devalued and defaulting to negativity - Something that I often don't like about myself - and that has been one of the few recurring areas for improvement on annual performance reviews is my negative attitude. Over the last few years, I've REALLY worked hard on getting a handle on my reactions much more than I used to. As we've been having operational conversations with my new boss since she started last week, I have honestly been shocked at how quickly I've fallen back into my constantly critical/negative behaviors, and yesterday I had a verbal blow-up when I found out that the sponsorship materials for an upcoming event (which my previous boss has worked on right as she was leaving) got completely messed up in the order - which I am not sure where the blame lies on that situation. 

Even as these words - and more importantly, TONE - some out of my mouth, my brain recognizes that it isn't how I want it to be, but I can't seem to manage to control myself to NOT do it. I realize (as this is a recurrent reaction) that part of my response harkens back to my childhood when I saw the major red flags of issues that needed to be fixed or that I desperately wanted help with that I didn't feel like I could get recognition for from my family. I realized that as soon as Alison was gone and I have a "fresh" audience, I started airing my grievances - and at some times, I'm not even sure to what end. 

I'm also sure that some of this is my (also traditional) "operating from the wound instead of from the healing." With the complete physical and emotional burnout I've been experiencing, my mindfulness is at an all time low. Stuff comes out before I realize it. And what really "gets me" is that this is part of my first impression with Charlotte, and it is part of my worst foot forward.

HOWEVER (speaking of Charlotte), many of my onboarding activities with her have been to review our database set up, pull reports, and point out items she needs to know about on the shared drive. More than once, she has commented on how impressed she is with the customizations I've made in the database, my knowledge to be able to pull detailed/multi-layered reports quickly, and the detailed, easy-to-use SOP guide I wrote for data entry into Bloomerang. 

Since so many fundraising and volunteer management responsibilities have become my majority focus over the years, I feel like I barely get to really touch data and systems. Having those conversations with her is the most excited I have been with/about my job in a while. It reminded me of how much my passion and interest really does lie in data, system, documentation, etc. 

I'm (of course) cautiously holding out hope for the UAB Advancement job. I was able to cross paths with Marylyn at Daphne's memorial (which was SO beautifully done, BTW) and introduce myself. She seemed genuinely happy to make the connection, and she apologized for not being in touch again as quickly as she has hoped.

I'm still waiting - very concerned that there have been better candidates with more direct project management experience that have knocked me down on the list. I also realize that I have been starting that "well, maybe I won't be here for that so I don't want to worry with it" mentality - which I CANNOT fall into. 

I keep trying to remind (convince?) myself that everything happens in its own time and own way, and that there is a plan so much larger than I know. I DO NOT want to leave UA in a bad place by leaving too soon (and it has become abundantly clear that I am the knowledge repository of our team now since I've been here the longest). So, maybe that's why things are moving slowly. Maybe it's because the improvements and opportunities I've been fighting for with this position for years may finally come together with new leadership. 

In the meantime, I'm trying to work even harder on making myself a better person - closer to who and how I want to be - indeterminate of my employment. That should make me a better employee, wife, friend, and family member. 

Step 1 or Last?

 What a morning!

I started with running to CVA to drop off the CD of my CT scan for Dr. Cavender to review the IVC filter legs that have punctured the vein. Then I ran to the chiropractor for the second of probably a dozen closely-scheduled appointments to get my back functioning again so MAYBE I can finally walk correctly and not have pain in my right leg. 

Since I (luckily) was going to be out the office, I settled in a Maple Biscuit Company to take my phone interview with Marylyn. It was a little louder than I was hoping it would be, but at least I wasn't constantly paranoid that David was going to bust in my office and interrupt. 

Marylyn started the call with letting me know she'd gotten my resume first from Daphne Powell, and we chatted for a bit about how sad it was she was gone and how great a person she had been. 

She moved into sharing a bit about how her team and the other functional Info Services Teams work together and how the other Advancement Teams are separate but Info Services works with them to meet goals and support efforts. Sweet GEEZ is it different than what I'm used to! They have a whole separate team that just focuses on gift entry and bio info updates! 

She focused a lot on the my project management background and experience. I tried to provide tangible examples of being able to implement systems successfully:

- The fact that helping keep David on track for mailing newsletter after he got so off schedule last year that is never mailed and that even though he had some distractions that affected the planned schedule, he did send in the final art and list 1 week before the deadline. 

- After a reduction in force, I took over tracking grant and report deadlines which had just been planned by calendar reminders and an Excel to that point. I customized a system in Bloomerang so we could have a full history of what was requested, what was awarded, and deadlines. It has worked so well that other departments have asked us to start tracking their grants as well - especially after a major funding grant was missed because info wasn't transferred following a staff change. 

I hope it wasn't a "ding" against me that I didn't have experience with a formal program, but I did ask questions about what program they were using. From what she said, she just has her hands too full to sit down and develop the system to get everyone using the system in the same way consistently. She said a lot of plans and needs are just in her head, but it would really benefit being entered into technology for everyone to access. 

I asked questions about whether standards for data entry were driven from her team of from individual Advancement arms, and she confirmed it not only comes from Info Services but one of her team members is the trainer for onboarding new staff to lay out the standards. 

She asked what my biggest contributions (or something like) was. I answered that I am a creative problem solver. I don't just look at the immediate situation but I consider the big picture of where the plan is trying to go. With data, I don't just consider how to put it in now but how it makes sense to put it in for pulling reports and to ensure consistency. I'm afraid I probably wasn't that eloquent - God, I'm so awkward on the phone!

I told her that even though she only asked for one, another attribute that I've been praised for is understanding the art and science of data so I can communicate with a lay person at their level but also work with tech people in their language. I also told her that if someone asks me for a report of "all donors who gave $500 in the last 5 years" that I ask more detailed questions to make sure they are getting what they actually need. 

She shared about how there is an update/append calendar that also takes into account what other programs' upcoming initiatives are. I asked about how frequently she/her team meets with the other teams to find out what they are doing so they can align. From there, I started talking about how I can see that having an organized project management plan everyone can see would help with that so you can see when may be a "hot" time for overlapping projects so you can flex those dates to take a little pressure off. 

I shared that I love logistic puzzles and that I have stage managed in my past. I told her that the first director I worked with asked if I liked puzzles because I had to coordinate a rehearsal schedule based on 50 different people's schedules when we only had certain days and times we could rehearse in specific spaces, but I LOVED putting all those pieces together. She said that creative types often aren't great at that type of thing and shared that her daughter is a theatre fan. 

I had prepared a lot of questions about how things run and what team handles what. She covered a lot of it, but I also let her know what some of the things had been on my list that she'd covered so maybe she could see the direction I was thinking in. I did ask one or 2 new questions about systems that she had not covered. 

She said that she was doing a few more phone interviews but was planning to have a decision about next steps next week. I definitely think we hit it off on a personal level, but I'm not 100% sure I sold my experience well enough since it isn't as formal as how they are organized. I KNOW my brain would work well as organizing their needs and implementing systems, but I'm afraid the other people she's talking to have that kind of 1:1 transferrable experience. I guess we'll see!

In Recovery

 "In recovery" has a few connotations: sweeping lifestyle changes to overcome an addiction and the observation area when coming out of anesthesia from a procedure. Honestly, both feel a little true right now.

I don't think it is a coincidence that my body and my health have conspired to grab my attention around the same time that I work world kinda started crumbling. I can't give my energy equally to everything when one thing (ie, work) required 80% of what I have. 

Since I went to the GI about 2 weeks ago, I found out that my kidney issues (undoubtedly partly due to the fact that I have eaten so much fast food and prepackaged crap because I don't have the energy to plan, prep, and cook real food for years) have now crossed the line to the very early states of Stage 3 kidney disease. At this rate, I'll be starting on the list for dialysis/replacement in my 70s. I also found out (thanks to a CT scan before starting my new Crohn's meds) that I have a symptomless hernia along my repeated belly incision line and that my IVC filter legs have perforated the vein wall (which hopefully will NOT require a procedure to remove). 

I think the biggest tell of the toll trying to force myself to fit in a position that I am not made for is that my back finally locked me down. My neck has been killing me - a constant crick that makes moving my head incredibly painful - since around the time that I realized the PhilanthroPIG event was a failure. My right hip and knee has also made walking, standing, etc incredibly difficult and painful, too. With my kidney issues, I can't take NSAIDS so I basically live with the pain or - when I just can't take it anymore - have to take an opioid. 

So, I am now in that recovery zone where I have to put myself and my health as a priority over work - which is stressful more because of the time I have to take outside of work to get myself back right. I started with a new chiropractor yesterday, and the list of all the problems with my spine is EXTENSIVE (and not super surprising considering all I've been through since Dr. Mitchell passed). Today I woke up for the first time in weeks without my neck having overwhelming pain - hoping the hip will follow suit. 

I'm drinking SO much more water and beginning the process of adjusting my diet to reduce salt, sugar, fast/processed foods, etc. I'm hopeful that I can start feeling well enough and strong enough to start functioning on the weekends again to get the house (and my world) back in order instead of requiring full crash recovery days on the weekends. 

I'm trying to get the Junior Board and my other UA responsibilities back on track, too, but as hard as I try, my heart is not in it. I just feel so crushed, exhausted, and burnout that doing anything takes 4 times as much effort as it once did. 

I have my prelim phone interview for the UAB position tomorrow morning. I pray constantly that this is the salvation (I am not using that word lightly) that I need and that we hit it off. If it doesn't pan out, I honestly don't know that I'll be able to take it. 

Since projects have begun to pick back up since COVID, it has becoming increasingly clear that I am SO not the right fit for this position. I constantly feel like I'm holding the organization back by not being that outgoing relationship builder that most fundraisers are. I mean, even for the events I've planned, I check the boxes but I don't completely think through the attendees' experience. That's not my forte. Building relationships with the Junior Board members to make them feel more connected (and hopefully translate to more action) is overwhelming to me. 

My hope, though, that I'm on the right path with the UAB job is that I truly feel like God (or the Universe) is guiding me on THIS path. I found out Tuesday - when I emailed Daphne that I got a phone interview for the UAB job since she'd been coaching me, I found out she had unexpectedly passed away after a procedure only 5 days before. I was not only agog that she's gone when I just had lunch and had been in touch with her a few weeks before, but I (perhaps selfishly) couldn't believe that God had brought us together and given her enough time on this earth to help set me on a promising course for this position. 

I've been trying to remember how/when Daphne and I crossed paths. I think it was when I was still at the Regional level at Red Cross and maybe Linda Baker connected me to her to work on stewardship/donor relations mentoring. Daphne always radiated joy, hope, and love - even when she was confiding in me the stress she was feeling at BSC when we met last month. Even though we weren't in frequent contact, she always made me feel like we were the closest of friends when we got together. No wonder she was so good at her job! I was truly looking forward to sharing lunch with her more frequently because - after our last lunch - I realized how much I really did enjoy being around her. I'm glad I at least got to have the last connections we did have before she was gone. 

Her passing, though, is yet another red flag reminder that I need to prioritize myself and my health more. She was an incredible survivor who had survived a heart valve replacement and who had diabetes. On FB and at our last lunch, we commiserated about what a challenge it is to have chronic health issues during the pandemic and while dealing with work.

I have always played down or discounted my health challenges because I don't want them to be an excuse for me not being perfect, I don't want them to hold me back, and I don't want people to pre-suppose that my issues WILL hold me back. It is absolutely a fear of perceived weakness (or, in some cases, actual weakness). Vulnerability has always been an issue for me since I was teased at home and at school for not being "enough" in various ways (or for being "too much" in others). I definitely overpush myself too often to fulfill expectations even when it is for something I can't really do. 

I truly am beyond grateful for my time at United Ability. I have had opportunities to explore skill sets like I know I would not have been able to anywhere else. But it also has helped me to solidify who I am - it is time to truly honor and hone that for the first time in my life.  

Failure, Part 2

 Last night was the first step of making the PhilanthroPIG cancellation official. I had a call with the Jr Bd Officers and (thankfully) Alison (my boss). 

There was way less push back than I was expecting - especially from Rob who pushed the hardest and loudest for a cook-off event from the beginning (shrugging off every single objection I voiced along the way). He specifically asked to chair this event - I think he thought it would be an easy win for him to look like a hero. 

Instead, last night, he tried to portray himself as the victim... and did it again when I was on the phone with him today after he blew the entire notification process up for me. He said that as someone who owns his own business, has kids, and has a wife that he just couldn't allow United Ability to take time away from them too much. Today, he said that he feels like all the time that he has put into planning this event - that was time away from his family and business - is now wasted since the event won't proceed. 

Yep. He's right. He's the ONLY ONE who has anything else going on in their lives that planning this event has taken time away from. I mean, I haven't had at least one meeting every week after work since the first of the year that I had to lose an hour or so of MY time with MY new husband and, well, anything I wanted to do in my life after I was exhausted from spending pretty much every minute of my day trying like hell to make this event come together. 

He told me that he'd already told his friend/client who is also a Junior Board member - Chris - about the event being cancelled and apparently they started talking about the possibility of putting together a small golf tournament in the Fall as a replacement. 1) As I told them on the call last night, WE HAVE A PLAN FOR THE JUNIOR BOARD to move forward. 2) We are in mandatory United Way blackout in the Fall which would put more than $600,000 in jeopardy to maybe raise $10,000. 3) Would he have told me if I had not told him that his jump at telling Jamie without coordinating with me has caused major other problems. 

As I tried to state last night (and Rob obviously ignored), I wanted to coordinate meeting with Jamie and Darrius because I need to schedule my discussion with our Presenting Sponsor Zuriel (which one of the owners is best friends with Jamie so I KNEW they would be in instead communication) so that I could try to be the one to tell them instead of Jamie. Of course, Rob did what HE wanted to do and told Jamie on a call first thing this morning - without involving me at all. 

So, I quickly sent an email to all of the brewery people I've been working with (including Jamie) to try to let them know in as professional a way as I could. Then I emailed Zuriel to try to set up a call. John - the Z owner who is friends with Jamie - replied that he already knew what it was about, was very disappointed, and definitely wants to be on the call (a big deal since he is travelling) to "hear first hand what happened." Well, shit. 

So THAT was when I texted Rob that it has hit the fan and I needed to know EXACTLY what he'd said with Jamie and what Jamie's response had been. This was when he once again told me the "whoa is me tale" about his wasted focus on this event at the expense of his family. He also - while telling me that he just didn't have long to talk since he only had 15 minutes to eat and talk to me (down from the 30 minutes he complains about having for lunch AT THE BUSINESS HE OWNS) - took 10 minutes to reiterate everything he's said last night. 

I get it that he is trying to shift the blame (or maybe legitimately thinks he was doing something since he made a phone call or 2), but at this point, I'm ready to burn the who Goddamn Junior Board down rather than attempt to work with Rob on anything ever again. 

Now, to get my ass chewed for NOT doing what I had wanted to do to professionally notify our Presenting Sponsor when a snake snaked the ability away from me. Can I fucking quit yet?

Failure

 Last Wednesday night, I felt the conviction in the truest part of my soul that I had to fail. 

The ball started rolling last year when the new brewery in Hoover contacted us that they wanted to partner with us on a fundraising event after they opened. Rob - who is friends with the brewery owner - on our Junior Board was fired up about doing a new Junior Board event. With the opportunity for a venue partner and a JB member who was on my side, we went all in on ending the golf tournament and committing to the new event. 

From the beginning, however, Rob has pushed for the event to be a cook-off.  I have tried to push back equally hard because I KNEW the event was too big for us. With all kinds of bullshit life has thrown at everyone involved ON TOP of the size of the event, it has proven to have broken us (well, DEFINITELY has broken me). 

One of the stress points has been Alison (my boss') direction on the Junior Board ever since I took over. In addition to liking Alison as a person, I have also looked to her as a mentor and role model as I've been trying to develop into more of a fundraiser since my role has been expanded into that. However, she has repeatedly assigned the Junior Board unreachable goals (like $50,000 on a brand new event when we've struggled to hit $30,000 on a repeat golf tournament).

She also keeps telling me that I need to make the Junior Board "work for me instead of working for them" and that I need to stop stepping in to make things happen when they aren't doing it. This is the same woman who - on the JOH committee planning call which is HER event planning responsibility - was the sole speaker, got NO response when she asked for feedback/assistance, and who shoulders the entire event HERSELF. But I'm supposed to successfully function completely differently. 

Because I was trying to take her instruction to heart and NOT plan the entire event myself like is my nature, I purposefully made myself wait on doing things like writing the cook-off team rules, contact rental vendors for tent and table pricing, etc. - because these were tasks to assign to the Jr Bd. (The same Junior Board who I have barely seen in person and who hardly respond in virtual meetings for the last 2 years with COVID). Oh, AND factor into that my unexpected broken ankle last October that kept me out of the office for a month and my unexpected kidney stone on the night of the Nov JB meeting. So, we didn't actually start true event planning until late January. 

Of course, it isn't just Alison's fault. There's Rob - our self-appointed event chair - who has shrugged off every single challenge presented against doing a cook-off by swearing it would be easy...and then not doing a single damn thing until he FINALLY made a phone call to a portable restroom vendor last week (which he's been talking about for at least 3 months). 

Don't even get me fucking started on our brewery vendor partner. There's a reason why Jamie and Rob are friends - neither has a concept of reality when it comes to planning events. Though he presented our being able to use the brewery as our venue being his generous support of non-profits, he REPEATEDLY said that we had to bring in a certain threshold of audience to "make it worth it for them" to let us use the space. He questioned every candid answer I gave him about what I realistically thought we could bring to the table - telling us it wasn't enough. 

THEN, the brewery opened almost 6 months AFTER it was originally slated to open (and it really only opened then because they had already advertised and agreed to be the afterparty site for the Wine 5K/10K in March). The Event Director that I was instructed to work directly with for all my venue coordination barely responds to emails, has NO knowledge of critical things like the "stage" set up (their loading dock doubles at their stage). It took me 2 weeks and just happening to meet with him at the brewery where the parking plans were laid out for me to get the parking lot details I'd been begging for to plan. After just over 2 weeks (which, granted, the first week was when they were opening), I STILL haven't gotten the stage dimensions, fly weights, or other info I've requested to plan our sound/light production. 

When we first started discussing a new event format, I got the most input and energy from the Jr Bd I'd gotten in a long time, and I thought we truly were in a good, engaged place to work from for the event. But, between all my incidents and the recurrence of COVID at the end of last year, I get the feeling from a lot of the Junior Board that they are as overwhelmed and exhausted as I am.

It is both everyone's fault and no one's fault that this happened. In mulling this all over CONSTANTLY all weekend, I recognize every point where I wasn't true to myself and basically gave my power to others by trying to do what they wanted me to. I know that I have a past of being bitchy so I have been working really hard to be the opposite of that - just like I know I have a tendency to develop a complete plan in the first 10 minutes of discussing an event. Those are both things where, honestly, I excel and I shut them down because of people criticizing me for it. 

While I have absolutely been upset and depressed ever since making this decision (and, well, honestly since last year),  I also feel a certain peace that I can stop fighting against all the forces I have been fighting against trying my damnedest to make this happen. 

I guess failing and recovering is another life lesson I've learned at United Ability. I really am so thankful for these years I've had to explore my skills to try different things to confirm/discover what I'm really good at. I have no doubt that I would not have gotten the opportunity for Upward if I have not been here. 

I also hope that I have made lasting improvements for United Ability that will go on or are a strong starting place going forward. However, with each day, I am 100% convinced that my time here is coming to a close. I just hope my next step comes soon before I languish in an unfulfilling challenge to the point of once again decimating my health (which is already starting to show). 

Happy thoughts for a Monday!

A Case of the Mondays...or Depression?

 All weekend I was absolutely wiped. I managed to go to dinner and a comedy show Saturday night with Doug and our friends, and I chose outfits for my boudoir photos next weekend and cooked dinner Sunday. Other than that, my body felt like it has weights attached to it and I couldn't get off the couch. 

Today, I just constantly feel like breaking into tears - a feeling that had become all too commonplace. 

I constantly feel like a failure. When we first started planning this new Jr Bd event, it was Jamie (the owner of the brewery) who kept talking about all the big plans for the success of the brewery like it was so easy - 3800 people, live music on their stage/loading dock weekly, large scale fundraising events. When we'd talk about my realistic expectations for our event, he kept telling me not only that we were thinking too small but that we had to "make it worth them agreeing to dedicate the brewery to us all day." 

As we've gotten further into the planning process and had more conversations with the brewery (which, by the way, STILL isn't open after setting 4 different expected open dates), I realize that Jamie is a big talker but he does/knows zero about the actual particulars that he boasts about. So, he's part of what has made me feel like shit since last Fall. 

So, I'm not only battling to plan what is essentially two events in one (all day live music for a venue with no equipment and a food cook-off) but I'm also pushing against (at times through) the most crippling depression and anxiety I have felt in 20 years. 

Losing October to my broken ankle (which actually feels like months instead of weeks) and then a kidney stone that made me cancel the last meeting opportunity before the Holidays does, of course, make me blame myself for being so behind. The fact that the Junior Board members aren't more involved or that I've done so much fundamental planning without delegating to them makes me feel like an incompetent leader. 

Then, I also can't help but wonder - am I doing too much and trying too hard? Maybe I don't need to make sure we're adhering so closely to food and fire safety regulations. Are other events? Maybe we don't need to plan for as much volunteer help as I think we do for the 12+ hour event. Overachieving is so natural to me that I don't know where that "this is what is necessary" boundary crosses into "you're focusing way too much on what doesn't actually matter." 

Of course, because I don't know what is my fault and what isn't, I also don't know who or how to ask for help. I don't know... I just don't fucking know anything anymore. 

The fact that I cringe every time the phone rings. That I let out a heavy sigh when I keep getting semi-pointless on-campus volunteer requests (which I STILL don't understand WHY that is on my plate and have made a point to mention it in every annual review since it got dumped on me). That I want to yell "I'm just trying to survive my April event, lay off worrying about JOH" to people who are already offering to help. 

Oh yeah, and add to that another MASSIVE organization change - replacing my immediate boss who I have had a great relationship with - on top of my so-far-disastrous event planning. (All of this not even starting to mention the on-going partisan BS political hatred constantly spewing in society, on-going COVID concern, and war between Russia and Ukraine that may escalate to involve already-hurting countries internationally.)

And, how can I forget, the fact that I have the only drivable car in the family and have become defacto "do everything" representative. As well as Doug being constantly put out by us having to give H fluids every night - especially since he often bleeds and leaks from the needle entry point which means it's all going wrong even though anything that gets poked with a needle fucking bleeds. He keeps saying his frustration isn't with me but with the vet who didn't train us well enough, but how can I not take that personally when I WAS THE ONE THEY TRAINED TO POKE HIM WITH THE NEEDLE?! 

Yes, I'm devolving. Yes, I'm getting off topic. But this is the chaos that is constantly in my brain and on my back. I'm still dealing with almost constant discomfort in my ankle. I eat crap food because I don't have the energy (and Doug doesn't either or, frankly cares) to cook real food. I get in bed late because I have meetings or social hangouts (because I need something happy and nice) most nights after work. 

To quote McDonald's - I need a break today. 

But, I won't get one and probably won't until I'm ground down to nothing. 

Happy thoughts!

Suddenly in Focus

Yesterday morning, as I was once again feeling particularly stressed and completely inept planning the new Junior Board event at work, I decided to do a casual review of data positions on the Alabama Association of NonProfits site. I honestly partially do it to remind me that the situation I have is pretty good and the grass isn't greener so I should just keep plowing forward. 

However, I did find a position that seems to be what I've been looking for. United Way of Central AL is hiring a Salesforce Implementation Specialist. It's unclear whether the database would be used to manage clients, donors, both, but I noticed that either way, it is listed under IT instead of under Development. That gives me hope that scope creep into donor relationship management would be way less likely. 

As I started to reconstruct my resume (because I didn't have a Word doc handy of my most recent one), I was the most confident I have ever been tailoring my experience and accomplishments to match a job description. I was reminded of how much I truly enjoy (and how good at) data I really am. Data formatting, procedure creation/improvement, and reporting analysis is my jam! For people that are not into data, it's hard to explain, but solving those puzzles is what energizes me. 

In the Upward Leadership program, something that came up in an assessment with Allison Grizzle has stayed with me. My results showed that I stay in a state of major stress because the expectations others place on me (real or imagined) are so misaligned with how I am or how I see myself. Since I am such an introvert who is constantly placed in situations that require interaction with a range of people, I thought that was what it was. Yesterday, the lightbulb went on, and I finally realized what the assessment actually indicated. 

If I were following a career that fit my strengths (as defined by what energizes me), I would be in CRM or other nonprofit data. I enjoy being able to support staff who are helping make a difference in the lives of others. And, I have a wide variety of experience working with third-party CRM software to improve usage, making reporting more accurate and efficient, and reducing formatting/correcting work for mailing lists. Keeping data accurate and consistent is a full time effort, but data usually falls under Development where every resource (ie, employee) must be used to bring in revenue AND where the supervisor is not tech-saavy/data-minded to understand or respect the needs of data. 

My weaknesses (as defined by what drains me) is all of the revenue-goal, relationship-building donor/volunteer management that I have not only been thrust into but have been pushed further and further into. For my upcoming goals, Alison added that not only would I regularly contact mid-level donors but that I also had to start CALLING them. My anxiety-ridden introvert heart almost threw up at the prospect. 

Because I have a helper mindset and am willing to try/learn how to do anything, I have wedged myself to try to fit in the event planner, relationship manager, volunteer coordinator boxes, but there are important elements of that box (like focusing on the "fun" or volunteer/attendee experience) that I often overlook because my data mind defaults to the logistics rather than that non-tangible elements. 

Suddenly, everything that I have looked down on myself for not being able to do (or not being able to do as well as I think I should) came into focus as being problematic because it isn't natural for me. I don't mean this as in "well, you can learn to do it" or "asking for money is uncomfortable for me." I mean it as in "this is so far outside my brain wiring - not just comfort zone - that my body constantly feels like it had to exist in a threatened mode." 

When I was doing my personal development in 2018/2019, I realized that I tend to lash out, be bitchy, be negative, etc. because I exist as an injured animal - trying to protect my already weakened self from additional trauma because I never feel like I am able to start recovering. I have been looking (as is the traditional answer) as my childhood, at my relationships, etc to try to recognize the root of my trauma and address it. 

A few weeks ago when I recognized the correlation between how I felt when I decided I needed to leave Red Cross and the feeling that my constant "ineptitude" in my position is beginning to affect United Ability negatively, the pieces started coming together. Allowing myself to recognize the relative confidence and (honestly) joy I felt for the first time in a long time at the prospect of this data-specific job brought it all into focus. The trauma that I've been fighting isn't the self-doubt and hurt from years ago, it is how I have been contorting myself to fit where my skills don't belong. 

And I don't blame anyone for it, really. As I said, data is not valued as much as it needs to be in non-profit, and the ones that hire for it are doing so because it is so far outside their skill set so they don't understand what a challenge it is to mold a true data person into a fundraiser. From the other side, data is seem as a corporate or programming career so when you're breadth of data experience is managing, maintaining, and improving third-party software, the correlation is overlooked. So, I am an outlier without a corollary peer to help guide or coach me to land in my best fitting job. 

So, this self realization is wonderful and, in some ways, takes some of the judgement off my shoulders for not being the relationship manager that I've been needing to be. However, IF I don't get this position, where do I go? If I go to another non-profit starting in a data position with Development, there is an overwhelming likelihood that scope creep with once again set in with fundraisers - like in a horror movie - approaching me like fresh meat to become "one of us!" I don't have the programming language knowledge needed to shift completely into a more typical data job, and I don't have the time or energy (since my correct job leaves me in a state of constant overwhelm) to gain specific training. 

All I keep thinking about is when Elizabeth Hunter connected me to Catherine Sloss to interview to be her personal assistant. It seemed like a perfect fit AND it seemed like I had been thrown a promising life raft to escape the similarly daily feeling-like-I'm-fighting-for-my-life position with Tony at Tire Pros. What the job that had excited me so much fell through, it made the job I was stuck in even more miserable. I can absolutely see a similar detrimental spiral happening again. Last time, it took such a toll on my health that I literally almost died. 

HOW do I not dwell on hoping to hear back from the UWCA job and focus on ALL the crushing work I have to do? HOW do I not crumple and break into a million pieces if the job doesn't work out? How do I not completely let everyone at UA down and set them up for failure if I do leave? 

I don't ask that last question to toot my own horn. Not only because of COVID but also losing our longterm CEO, bringing in our new CEO, our well-known specialized Clinic doctor leaving suddenly, and being ongoingly shorthanded in many programs, United Ability is already stretched to its limit and feels like it is teetering on the edge. I am spearheading planning for the new Junior Board event at the end of April, and Alison (my boss and our Chief Development Officer) has announced she is retiring at the end of April. SO, if I leave, the team would be gutted during a time when the last things everyone needs is ONE MORE THING. 

Honestly, I just keep wanting to break down in tears. Of course, I've felt like that for months now for a variety of reasons. That probably is the best sign that something isn't right in my life :)

At this point, I have no control over the potential of the new job or potential timing if I get it. I am TRYING to let go and let God, but I'm also TRYING to hold it all together. Guess we'll see what wins...

No More "What Else," Please

 Well, we're officially one full month into 2022. 

For months (literally since October or November of last year), I've been meaning to sit down to gather and record my thoughts on what was a helluva year. BUT, every time I was going to do it, something else happened!

I guess I should say that 2021 started in an unbelievable fashion with Doug proposing only seconds into the year. I had completely written off the possibility of a proposal since Doug had talked about needing to get this grandmother's ring then about getting a copy made of the ring then of going to buy a ring - none of which had been able to happen with the world still effectively shut down from COVID. BUT, he had secretly coordinated with his parents to get the ring and propose. 

We had already decided (which was part of the journey for me to be ok with the idea of marriage) that the perfect date was 11/13/21 (the exact reverse of our initial anniversary of 12/31/11). Having that project to focus on for the year helped give me direction (I realize now looking back). COVID has continued to complicate every part of life - especially since it seems like life is getting back to a version of normal then there is another spike or a new version. So, the wedding was a guiding force. In fact, my these words for the year were "Forward" and "Let go" because I knew there were going to be challenges with the process so I wanted to put it in the universe to help me through it all. I ended up needing that more than I thought!

As Doug and I started discussing, making plans, developing guest list, etc., I started uncovering and facing my life-long discomfort with being focus of attention. The idea of being "the Bride" was really unsettling - especially since Doug is way more of the "star" than I am. I was very thankful for the excuse of COVID for not having any bridal showers, engagement parties, etc. I was able to only have one, small "bachelorette" trip with Lori, Jennifer, Angela, and Stephanie - and it was absolutely perfect. 

As far as decor or other operational parts of wedding planning, I definitely was comfortable standing on my own and not falling for "supposed to." But I felt a little guilty that Mom wasn't having the experience of "Mother of the Bride" - even though I know that's not her thing, either. 

Then, came the morning of Oct. 5, 2021. I got up to take Annabel out to potty at 3:30 in the morning. She had been digging in the yard a lot because we'd been having lots of rain and the dirt was soft. Because of that, we only took her out on a leash. SO, I was walking down the wooden deck steps to follow her into the yard on the leash when I slipped as soon as my left foot touched the last step. I can't stand to relive the entire experience in detail, but suffice it to say that Doug and I ended up in the ER. Later that morning, I ended up in surgery to implant a plate and pins to fix the 2 broken bones and displaced joint in my ankle. 

For next 5 weeks, I could not put any weight on my ankle so I lived with a knee scooter and walker. Doug had to pretty much take care of everything. Good news was that I would be walking for the wedding - but only by a few days. I did have to wear my stability boot for the wedding, and while I was comfortable enough for the wedding, I had A LOT of pain and swelling the day before and for almost a week after. 

Because we had already planned to have a last morning ceremony and a brunch menu reception, we had tried to clue everyone in that it was going to be an early start day for the wedding (even before I broke my ankle). Even keeping it simple, we needed to be at the location by 7am to start getting ready to start photos by 8/8:30a so we could be done by 10:15a to give plenty of time before guests started showing up for the 11am ceremony. 

I was a little frustrated when Laura K and Emily made comments about how hard that would be. Lori made one joke about it then let it go. Funny they were all complaining when they didn't have to try to get ready with a broken foot, too, but whatever :)

Dad called me - I think it was the morning of the rehearsal dinner, but it could have been the day before - to let me know that Mom was not comfortable staying in a hotel after the rehearsal dinner in Birmingham so they were going to come over for rehearsal, drive back to Anniston, then get up early morning of the wedding to come back to Birmingham. Because of that, he wanted to know if they could be on site closer to 8am so she could have more time in the morning to get ready. I said that was fine, we chatted a little more, then we hung up. Doug had gone outside to smoke, and when I got off the phone, I started crying - not because my feelings were hurt but because I somehow felt a relief like I had never known. I no longer felt (and still don't) feel guilty about my frustrations towards Mom or feel like I'm responsible for her or her happiness. I don't know if it's because I suddenly felt like Dad IS doing that himself or if it's because I realized that I haven't made up her neediness. Either way, I still feel like it was a momentous turn in my relationship with her. 

The wedding really was amazing. It could not have been more perfect, and in some ways, I feel like my broken ankle was a blessing. It gave something else to focus on instead of "me." It gave me something to almost hide behind or use as an excuse. I do hate that my ankle kept us from our originally planned honeymoon in Cancun, but we still had a great local honeymoon. 

The wedding kind of still carried me through the Holidays because the photographer sent me the images a few weeks before Christmas so I got to focus on printing them for gifts and created our wedding album during my work Holiday break. 

So, once I got back to work for the first of the year, I really didn't have anything to focus on except this new event for the Junior Board. I was SO excited about it when we first all agreed to get rid of the golf tournament to develop a family friendly community event in partnership with the brand new Brock's Gap Brewing Company in Hoover. As we've hit setbacks and I've hit walls of the end of my abilities, my spirit and excited about it has eroded.

I recently realized that I am - and possibly have been for a while - in a deep depression. I keep waiting for the tide to turn and for me to lift out of this so I can function, but I am realizing that is not coming. I have been doing my best to force myself out of the mire and start fighting forward...then I got COVID. Luckily I've just had really bad cold symptoms, but that coupled with the depression is just about bringing me full stop again. 

Today, I felt better - I was determined to push forward and start making this event happen. Then, in this morning's team meeting, Alison (my boss of almost 6 years) told us she is retiring in April. Punch in the gut. Rug ripped out. At the same time, also... shoulder shrug because with all the other endless distress, upheaval, etc., this feels par for the course. 

In some ways, it's gratifying because I have wondered how the hell she manages to keep up with all her work, family, personal, social, and other responsibilities that I know of (which means there are 10x more I don't know about) when I constantly feel like I am crumbling with my 1/10 of what she's dealing with. That fact that she has to let go of this big piece to manage the others means that maybe I'm holding on better than I thought. 

I also feel like maybe I'm starting to recognize the storm on the horizon the universe is whipping up. 

Right before COVID started, I was dealing with lot of career uncertainty - whether United Ability was the right place, if my position is the right thing, etc. With COVID, I felt that "blooming where I was planted" was the right thing and my purpose. With the pain that I have encountered trying to develop the Jr Bd event, I realized this morning that those feelings are similar to how I felt at Red Cross before I left - that I didn't have the skill set needed for where they were going and that I was turning into a hindrance. 

Maybe the feeling that the needs of my position are starting to expand beyond my abilities and Alison's now-departure, maybe the universe is also prepping me for a course for some sort of new professional journey. For now, I'm not actively looking for trying to focus a lot of energy on actively pursuing that avenue of thought, but I'm trying to stay open to whatever may be on its way. 

The theme words that came to me for 2022 are "Enough" and "Still," I was very aware that this words (like I feel my words are every year) could be a promise or a curse for the year. 

Right now, honestly, I'm just trying to make it to the end of the week.