Yesterday morning, as I was once again feeling particularly stressed and completely inept planning the new Junior Board event at work, I decided to do a casual review of data positions on the Alabama Association of NonProfits site. I honestly partially do it to remind me that the situation I have is pretty good and the grass isn't greener so I should just keep plowing forward.
However, I did find a position that seems to be what I've been looking for. United Way of Central AL is hiring a Salesforce Implementation Specialist. It's unclear whether the database would be used to manage clients, donors, both, but I noticed that either way, it is listed under IT instead of under Development. That gives me hope that scope creep into donor relationship management would be way less likely.
As I started to reconstruct my resume (because I didn't have a Word doc handy of my most recent one), I was the most confident I have ever been tailoring my experience and accomplishments to match a job description. I was reminded of how much I truly enjoy (and how good at) data I really am. Data formatting, procedure creation/improvement, and reporting analysis is my jam! For people that are not into data, it's hard to explain, but solving those puzzles is what energizes me.
In the Upward Leadership program, something that came up in an assessment with Allison Grizzle has stayed with me. My results showed that I stay in a state of major stress because the expectations others place on me (real or imagined) are so misaligned with how I am or how I see myself. Since I am such an introvert who is constantly placed in situations that require interaction with a range of people, I thought that was what it was. Yesterday, the lightbulb went on, and I finally realized what the assessment actually indicated.
If I were following a career that fit my strengths (as defined by what energizes me), I would be in CRM or other nonprofit data. I enjoy being able to support staff who are helping make a difference in the lives of others. And, I have a wide variety of experience working with third-party CRM software to improve usage, making reporting more accurate and efficient, and reducing formatting/correcting work for mailing lists. Keeping data accurate and consistent is a full time effort, but data usually falls under Development where every resource (ie, employee) must be used to bring in revenue AND where the supervisor is not tech-saavy/data-minded to understand or respect the needs of data.
My weaknesses (as defined by what drains me) is all of the revenue-goal, relationship-building donor/volunteer management that I have not only been thrust into but have been pushed further and further into. For my upcoming goals, Alison added that not only would I regularly contact mid-level donors but that I also had to start CALLING them. My anxiety-ridden introvert heart almost threw up at the prospect.
Because I have a helper mindset and am willing to try/learn how to do anything, I have wedged myself to try to fit in the event planner, relationship manager, volunteer coordinator boxes, but there are important elements of that box (like focusing on the "fun" or volunteer/attendee experience) that I often overlook because my data mind defaults to the logistics rather than that non-tangible elements.
Suddenly, everything that I have looked down on myself for not being able to do (or not being able to do as well as I think I should) came into focus as being problematic because it isn't natural for me. I don't mean this as in "well, you can learn to do it" or "asking for money is uncomfortable for me." I mean it as in "this is so far outside my brain wiring - not just comfort zone - that my body constantly feels like it had to exist in a threatened mode."
When I was doing my personal development in 2018/2019, I realized that I tend to lash out, be bitchy, be negative, etc. because I exist as an injured animal - trying to protect my already weakened self from additional trauma because I never feel like I am able to start recovering. I have been looking (as is the traditional answer) as my childhood, at my relationships, etc to try to recognize the root of my trauma and address it.
A few weeks ago when I recognized the correlation between how I felt when I decided I needed to leave Red Cross and the feeling that my constant "ineptitude" in my position is beginning to affect United Ability negatively, the pieces started coming together. Allowing myself to recognize the relative confidence and (honestly) joy I felt for the first time in a long time at the prospect of this data-specific job brought it all into focus. The trauma that I've been fighting isn't the self-doubt and hurt from years ago, it is how I have been contorting myself to fit where my skills don't belong.
And I don't blame anyone for it, really. As I said, data is not valued as much as it needs to be in non-profit, and the ones that hire for it are doing so because it is so far outside their skill set so they don't understand what a challenge it is to mold a true data person into a fundraiser. From the other side, data is seem as a corporate or programming career so when you're breadth of data experience is managing, maintaining, and improving third-party software, the correlation is overlooked. So, I am an outlier without a corollary peer to help guide or coach me to land in my best fitting job.
So, this self realization is wonderful and, in some ways, takes some of the judgement off my shoulders for not being the relationship manager that I've been needing to be. However, IF I don't get this position, where do I go? If I go to another non-profit starting in a data position with Development, there is an overwhelming likelihood that scope creep with once again set in with fundraisers - like in a horror movie - approaching me like fresh meat to become "one of us!" I don't have the programming language knowledge needed to shift completely into a more typical data job, and I don't have the time or energy (since my correct job leaves me in a state of constant overwhelm) to gain specific training.
All I keep thinking about is when Elizabeth Hunter connected me to Catherine Sloss to interview to be her personal assistant. It seemed like a perfect fit AND it seemed like I had been thrown a promising life raft to escape the similarly daily feeling-like-I'm-fighting-for-my-life position with Tony at Tire Pros. What the job that had excited me so much fell through, it made the job I was stuck in even more miserable. I can absolutely see a similar detrimental spiral happening again. Last time, it took such a toll on my health that I literally almost died.
HOW do I not dwell on hoping to hear back from the UWCA job and focus on ALL the crushing work I have to do? HOW do I not crumple and break into a million pieces if the job doesn't work out? How do I not completely let everyone at UA down and set them up for failure if I do leave?
I don't ask that last question to toot my own horn. Not only because of COVID but also losing our longterm CEO, bringing in our new CEO, our well-known specialized Clinic doctor leaving suddenly, and being ongoingly shorthanded in many programs, United Ability is already stretched to its limit and feels like it is teetering on the edge. I am spearheading planning for the new Junior Board event at the end of April, and Alison (my boss and our Chief Development Officer) has announced she is retiring at the end of April. SO, if I leave, the team would be gutted during a time when the last things everyone needs is ONE MORE THING.
Honestly, I just keep wanting to break down in tears. Of course, I've felt like that for months now for a variety of reasons. That probably is the best sign that something isn't right in my life :)
At this point, I have no control over the potential of the new job or potential timing if I get it. I am TRYING to let go and let God, but I'm also TRYING to hold it all together. Guess we'll see what wins...
