As always happens during my confinement after recovering from surgery, I had a breakdown last night. I started thinking about how I don't have a plan for where I want to see my life go - I've gotten into a cycle of just trying to survive and allowing myself to be flexible because I never know what health problem is about to rear its head. I also mourned the body that I'll never know again - the one without this new scar, this new defect.
It seems like - during these times when I am doubting my life, due to illness - that God provides me someone, a buddy. Years ago, it was Mary Ann - a family friend who developed colon cancer. Three years ago, it was Peggy - the neighbor who developed a host of health issues following a broken hip. This time, it may be Mackey - one of the ETC members who has been fighting a host of health problems for months now.
i reached out to him this morning - after he posted a letter to God on Facebook asking "why" and saying he's ready to go if it's his time - telling him about my experiences and letting him know that I understand where he is. I just wanted to give him hope that he is not completely alone in his fears or suffering. And, I wanted to let him know that even though it takes time to get better, you can find a new life beyond this hell.
It made me think that this is my purpose - to share my story to comfort and encourage others that are in the same place. It's happened many times before - that I've shared my battles to help others or have been sought out for support because of my experiences to try to help someone make sense of theirs.
i was thinking today that I would like to write a book. It would be a book about what I have learned about life because of my illness - lessons to help the sick and healthy, alike. I know that it would get lost in the sea of other self help books or other self help blogs, if I went that way, but maybe it is the imprint that I should leave on this world. I am definitely unafraid to tell the truth - and I think people need to hear that sometimes. People are always coming to me to help with some problem anyway, so maybe I can just extend that to the public. I'm not an expert, by any means, but I have been through a lot and I do study those around me to learn from them. There has to be a reason for all of that.
So, maybe a blog. Each entry a different lesson - about illness, hope, love, disappointment, whatever. Sherri and her network know about blogs and how to get followers - I can get input from them. Who knows - I could get 3 followers or I could get picked up somewhere and end up helping a lot of people. I'm not expecting this to lead me to a grand career (I'm not exploring territory that hasn't been over-worn already), but I feel like it could be a path for me to explore.
I wrote all this here to record it, to pursue as I may. This rush of emotion makes any idea sound good so I want to give it time - live with the idea -and see where it goes. I may decide just to keep with my one-on-one-as-they-present-themselves kind of help, and that's fine. I just didn't want to completely wave this idea, either.
First, I gotta let my body heal, anyway. As usual.
