It happened again this morning. I would say it happens 3-4 mornings out of every week.
I walked in the door then immediately felt attacked and went on the moody defense...for no reason.
The stupidest of things illicit this reaction - my boss leaving me a note to update some info in the database (you know, MY JOB), a co-worker greeting me with a friendly "good morning," someone leaving something in my mailbox. I have no idea why these mundane things send me to a 7 or 8 on the 10 point scale of biting back.
I've been reading a lot of Loretta Breuning's work about neural pathways formed from childhood directing our reactions, including anxiety and negativity. I'm able to trace the roots of some of my reactions, but not all. Plus, I have to work on diverting and creating new pathways to stop these reactions (no easy task).
I know one perception that makes my alarms go up is if I feel disrespected, slighted or devalued at all. This absolutely comes from my status as a kid in the family as well as my status at school as a bit of an outcast who was the chubby giant. I felt voiceless and powerless, but over the years, I have overcorrected. I have to reprogram myself to designate what is a real threat and what is just normal human interaction.
I don't know, though, if I'm automatically assigning every personal interaction to be a power play or what. Since this seems to have gotten worse in the years since my illness, I wonder if it is also rooted in the time when I had such finite energy to deal with anything.
The dynamic that bothers me the most - and continues to show its head - is targeting someone with low self-esteem and manipulating them. I know that it comes from my relationship with Mom- and sort of mirroring how Lance and Dad (then me) treated her. But, I have do it with Judy at Red Cross and Elizabeth at United Ability. I perceived them as weak because they were not confident, and I would snap at them. I think it was subconsciously to assert authority. Even as I'm doing it though, I hate myself for it. It's a cycle I have to break.
So, now that I am having all these self revelations, I'm wondering if I need to proceed with the counseling that I have lined up for the end of June or just follow this path on my own. I see pros to both, but I also fear that the therapist may have a different approach that will derail the path I'm already on.
For now, I'll keep following the way I'm headed and see where it goes.
Wednesday, May 30, 2018
Monday, May 14, 2018
Fitting the Puzzle Pieces
It has taken me almost 40 years, but I'm beginning to figure out why I am how I am (at least in part).
It should have occurred to me that I had anxiety issues considering that Mom was constantly talking about being "anxious" when a lot was going on. Just like depression, apparently this runs in our family.
However, I have just thought that I was not socialized well growing up to know how to deal with people when I'm stressed because I spent so much time by myself for most of my life. I thought being stressed was about how many expectations other put on me so of course, I couldn't handle it all - who could? But, I've seen a decline in what all I used to be able to handle vs what I can now without just dissolving.
I ordered a couple of books a few months ago about anxiety - one by Loretta Graziano Breuning that explores the neurobiological response and one that is a workbook that looks at the psychological side. I finished Dr. Breuning's book and has read about a chapter in the workbook, but both have illuminated what I've been going through in a way that has me reeling.
Literally, every word describing anxiety - from both approaches - reads like a checklist of what I feel. I always describe it like being a wounded animal that snaps at everything in an attempt to protect myself - a very valid description as it turns out.
Since my anxiety has been on a 20 on a ten point scale for a long time now (to the point that I literally could not think straight), I took last Thursday and Friday off from work to remove myself from those stimuli for a while as well as to take care of some projects around the house that have been adding to my anxiety. I realized last night that I have not had any of the inclinations that I have been unable to control to stress eat or seek out sugar since Thursday night. My stress/cortisol level finally seems at a normal level.
Then, as soon as I came into work today, I started feeling the anxiety anew, but I was able to identify not only what was triggering it but also how mundane many of the triggers were. I think understanding and being able to identify the biological clues has really helped so far today to keep me out of my usual spiral.
For example - as soon as I got out of the car, both co-workers were also in the parking lot and started chatting with me. I had the thought "why don't they just let me get in? They are invading my time." How stupid is that? But, I know that's the perspective I always have so when someone interacts with me, I immediately enter that "fight or flight" response.
Then, I started catching up on emails from being out end of last week. There were several emails from GIG applicants asking about status AND Junior Board members saying they would not be at the meeting tonight. I started to have my usual reaction - "why are they doing this TO ME? why can't they just do what they are 'supposed' to do?" Again, how stupid?! First of all, stuff comes up in people's schedules - nothing is perfect - so why do I take it personally and let it irritate me? Then, I don't blame GIGs for following up since they haven't heard from me since I received they application a month or more ago (for those who applied WAY early on), and I didn't put a notification date in any materials. It actually should speak highly that they are concerned and eager for word. Again, I have to change my perspective and stop looking at everything as an attack on me.
It is pretty overwhelming to pretty much turn my entire life outlook upside down now that I see the connections and influences behind why I act and react like I do, but I already feel like I'm starting to develop tools. I'm hoping to now start to process through the workbook to dig even more into the psychological side of anxiety and dealing with it. I also recently got the card for a therapist who specializes in anxiety treatment so it's also helpful to know that resource is there if I need it.
Like any behavior change, this is NOT going to be easy. However, I know that it will affect and improve literally every element of my life if I can get it manageable.
It should have occurred to me that I had anxiety issues considering that Mom was constantly talking about being "anxious" when a lot was going on. Just like depression, apparently this runs in our family.
However, I have just thought that I was not socialized well growing up to know how to deal with people when I'm stressed because I spent so much time by myself for most of my life. I thought being stressed was about how many expectations other put on me so of course, I couldn't handle it all - who could? But, I've seen a decline in what all I used to be able to handle vs what I can now without just dissolving.
I ordered a couple of books a few months ago about anxiety - one by Loretta Graziano Breuning that explores the neurobiological response and one that is a workbook that looks at the psychological side. I finished Dr. Breuning's book and has read about a chapter in the workbook, but both have illuminated what I've been going through in a way that has me reeling.
Literally, every word describing anxiety - from both approaches - reads like a checklist of what I feel. I always describe it like being a wounded animal that snaps at everything in an attempt to protect myself - a very valid description as it turns out.
Since my anxiety has been on a 20 on a ten point scale for a long time now (to the point that I literally could not think straight), I took last Thursday and Friday off from work to remove myself from those stimuli for a while as well as to take care of some projects around the house that have been adding to my anxiety. I realized last night that I have not had any of the inclinations that I have been unable to control to stress eat or seek out sugar since Thursday night. My stress/cortisol level finally seems at a normal level.
Then, as soon as I came into work today, I started feeling the anxiety anew, but I was able to identify not only what was triggering it but also how mundane many of the triggers were. I think understanding and being able to identify the biological clues has really helped so far today to keep me out of my usual spiral.
For example - as soon as I got out of the car, both co-workers were also in the parking lot and started chatting with me. I had the thought "why don't they just let me get in? They are invading my time." How stupid is that? But, I know that's the perspective I always have so when someone interacts with me, I immediately enter that "fight or flight" response.
Then, I started catching up on emails from being out end of last week. There were several emails from GIG applicants asking about status AND Junior Board members saying they would not be at the meeting tonight. I started to have my usual reaction - "why are they doing this TO ME? why can't they just do what they are 'supposed' to do?" Again, how stupid?! First of all, stuff comes up in people's schedules - nothing is perfect - so why do I take it personally and let it irritate me? Then, I don't blame GIGs for following up since they haven't heard from me since I received they application a month or more ago (for those who applied WAY early on), and I didn't put a notification date in any materials. It actually should speak highly that they are concerned and eager for word. Again, I have to change my perspective and stop looking at everything as an attack on me.
It is pretty overwhelming to pretty much turn my entire life outlook upside down now that I see the connections and influences behind why I act and react like I do, but I already feel like I'm starting to develop tools. I'm hoping to now start to process through the workbook to dig even more into the psychological side of anxiety and dealing with it. I also recently got the card for a therapist who specializes in anxiety treatment so it's also helpful to know that resource is there if I need it.
Like any behavior change, this is NOT going to be easy. However, I know that it will affect and improve literally every element of my life if I can get it manageable.
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