It happened again this morning. I would say it happens 3-4 mornings out of every week.
I walked in the door then immediately felt attacked and went on the moody defense...for no reason.
The stupidest of things illicit this reaction - my boss leaving me a note to update some info in the database (you know, MY JOB), a co-worker greeting me with a friendly "good morning," someone leaving something in my mailbox. I have no idea why these mundane things send me to a 7 or 8 on the 10 point scale of biting back.
I've been reading a lot of Loretta Breuning's work about neural pathways formed from childhood directing our reactions, including anxiety and negativity. I'm able to trace the roots of some of my reactions, but not all. Plus, I have to work on diverting and creating new pathways to stop these reactions (no easy task).
I know one perception that makes my alarms go up is if I feel disrespected, slighted or devalued at all. This absolutely comes from my status as a kid in the family as well as my status at school as a bit of an outcast who was the chubby giant. I felt voiceless and powerless, but over the years, I have overcorrected. I have to reprogram myself to designate what is a real threat and what is just normal human interaction.
I don't know, though, if I'm automatically assigning every personal interaction to be a power play or what. Since this seems to have gotten worse in the years since my illness, I wonder if it is also rooted in the time when I had such finite energy to deal with anything.
The dynamic that bothers me the most - and continues to show its head - is targeting someone with low self-esteem and manipulating them. I know that it comes from my relationship with Mom- and sort of mirroring how Lance and Dad (then me) treated her. But, I have do it with Judy at Red Cross and Elizabeth at United Ability. I perceived them as weak because they were not confident, and I would snap at them. I think it was subconsciously to assert authority. Even as I'm doing it though, I hate myself for it. It's a cycle I have to break.
So, now that I am having all these self revelations, I'm wondering if I need to proceed with the counseling that I have lined up for the end of June or just follow this path on my own. I see pros to both, but I also fear that the therapist may have a different approach that will derail the path I'm already on.
For now, I'll keep following the way I'm headed and see where it goes.
