Today was one of the rough days.
Today is the state-wide primary election so I thought I'd take some time during my lunch (my only free time at all - if even) and familiarize myself with the candidates. After spending an hour just trying to find any info on the candidates or clear indications on exactly who I would be voting on in my residential area, I was no further along in figuring anything out. I was overwhelmed.
Add to that that I lost the 3rd half day in a row to GIG orientation during the
most critical final planning stages for next week's golf tournament... I
had a full-on anxiety breakdown. I tried to do what Loretta (I can't remember her full name but I can remember her 1st name) advised to do in her anxiety book - separate yourself from anxiety-inducing stimuli for 20 minutes until the initial cortisol can start to dissipate.
Well, as I was trying to mellow out, I received phone call after phone call about an issue. Finally, I just closed my door, laid on the floor and listened to music. I couldn't get my mind to calm down, but my heart rate was starting to slow. Then, I got another phone call that a GIG didn't show for her shift, and when I researched it, it was because I had forgotten to send her mom the updated schedule after a requested change BECAUSE I'M DOING TOO GODDAMN MUCH!
That was it. I had to completely remove myself if the corisol was going to stop getting released anew. I got in my car, went to the gas station for a snack then drove around for a bit. By the time I got back to the office, I could at least think clearly and start taking some step to addressing some problems.
However, in my driving and trying to clear thoughts, I realized that one source of my anxiety is (of course) lack of control in a situation, but the main reason I try to control everything is because I never get real help. IF I actually do ask for help, it either never happens because it isn't of importance to the person who said "oh sure, I'll help" or their "help" actually loads an additional complication on my plate.
So, I stop asking for help since I see no avenues for legitimate, reliable assistance. Then, I feel overwhelmed and unable to function, but I can't show the challenge I'm feeling because (1) who else is going to do it and (2) people expect me to be able to do anything - that's who I am.
I'm pretty sure that I am realizing that I do, in fact, have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I've been going back and forth (at least during my good moments) about pursuing therapy because I'm sure I can just handle it myself if I read and apply enough techniques. Today reminded me - I need someone to truly help who knows what they're doing.
Though getting help does not have a good track record in my experience, I'm really hoping this will be the good abnormality that finally brings some positive change and hope for my life. I really need it.
