Last night was a good night.
Doug and I met Julie, Jonathan and some of their friends (who ended up being Retired State Rep Patricia Todd and her wife Candy - they were AMAZING) for a birthday dinner. My usual social anxiety didn't flare up interacting with super talkative new folks. While Doug didn't make the best drinking choices, he at least realized it and took steps to prevent crossing the line.
I woke up tired as usual but in a pretty decent mood. Then I got to work.
I once again felt bombarded from every angle as soon as I sat down and started sorting through messages and to-do items. As I started to discover major mistakes I had made (that I normally wouldn't), others' mistakes despite clear instructions, and other unexpected demands, I felt a meltdown coming on. Problem is - I can't effing escape.
I feel like no matter what I do - no matter what steps I take, what help I ask for, how much work I do, I CANNOT move forward. It's like I'm walking in quicksand and the more I fight, the more I sink in.
I look at other people that also have a lot going on and think "God, they're handling things without completely losing their sense of self or ability to operate, why can't I do that?"
I keep wondering where the line is between "life struggles we all have - it makes sense that overwhelms you or makes you uncomfortable" and "that is a complete unrealistic overreaction." I feel like I can't trust my feelings or thoughts anymore.
Everything seems overwhelming - even the small things. While I may find a momentary escape, as soon as I put my toe back into the "real world," I feel like the sky has fallen on me.
I talked to Dr. Armour about this yesterday, and we decided to increase my Lexapro to see if that will help - especially since I have my first therapy appointment next week. She also said that if we decide through therapy that we need to try a different prescription that she would be fine with that.
I just hope this all works. As usual, I feel like I've dug myself so deep into this hole by trying to control it or solve it myself that I'm a little worried how hard it will be to turn it all around. I just hope I'm finally asking the right people for the right help instead of the usual help I get which just makes life harder for me ultimately.
