Move Beyond "Supposed To"

I have always said that I am not a big supporter of pretty much any version of "supposed to."

I have realized recently that I apply this to SO much of my life, but still guilt myself constantly about not meeting the "I'm supposed to" expectations when it comes to my family.

I still have these expectations that Mom and Dad should have been more ideal than they were, that I'm supposed to be closer to them than I am, that I'm supposed to interact with them more than I do, etc. I feel like a bad daughter all the time, and I have this tug-of-war in my head between feeling angry/cheated that Mom and Dad displayed the (very human) problems they did but also rationalizing that they did their level best (especially considering their individual family backgrounds).

I am so lucky to have an inlaw family that I enjoy as much as I do in Doug's family. When I visit them, it reminds me of the positive escape that I felt Grandmom and Granddad's house always was. When I go home to Mom and Dad, it feels like I'm navigating a mine field and having to play referee to try to prop up healthy boundaries that I was never able to have growing up (but desperately needed).

I keep trying to compare my parents at my age to my life. I mean, they had 2 children - one 5 year old, one 11 year old. I am pretty sure Mom's hormones were already out of balance between having a child later and her (what we now know) thyroid issues. I know my anxiety was crippling in the last few years, and I couldn't reconcile what was happening. To go through that and ALSO have to be responsible for 2 kids - no wonder she was always on edge!

For as outgoing as Dad is, I think he also has a lot of introvert to him. So, being in a career that was always interaction based, it makes sense that when he came home, he just wanted to shut down and shut off (like I do).

It hit me recently when I was wondering why it was so hard for us to have conversations or talk or share...we have NEVER been that way! When I was really young, we crowded around the kitchen island to watch the little TV during meals. When we moved, Lance was already gone all the time, and the rest of us tended to separate to our own areas. We always stole away to our own areas anytime outside of meals. That's how we've always functioned, so why would now be different?

When I lived on my own, I called Mom and Dad every week. Most of the time, it was a very brief check in because there wasn't anyone to watch out for me, and I knew they worried. Now that Doug and I have been together, I don't check in because I don't feel like I need to - AND I have other things to focus on whether cooking, cleaning, dealing with dogs, or just watching TV together. I still feel guilty, though, that we don't talk more.

I really do want to improve my appreciation for my parents and reconnect with them in more ways - even though we'll never have the "perfect" TV relationship. But, I think my feelings of being a failure, of disappointing by being removed is hampering that.

Another think I have puzzled about when it comes to Mom and my relationship is the feel for distance and wall that I put up at some point - I think in my early teen years and have continued to prop up. I've wondered what changed because I think we were pretty close when I was a little kid - I mean, we were around each other all the time. Even when I was in school, I basically only ever went to school or sat on the couch.

It occurred to me recently, though, that I remember feeling like Mom treated me more like a friend and confidant than a child in late elementary/Jr High. It put a lot of weight on me, and made me feel like I needed to be her protector. It suddenly occurred to me that I started pushing her away in much the same way that I did Tony D when I worked with him. When I kept being involved in conversations I DID NOT want to be involved in and couldn't find any other way to keep them from happening, I flipped the bitch switch. I don't know that I was necessarily bitchy to Mom in the same way, but I do wonder if that was when I became more obstinate (her word) in an effort to get her to not confide in me. I think I still start to push that wall back up every time she starts into that type of conversation because it reopens that trigger/weighted feeling for me.

It's been a struggle every since I moved out - seeing and appreciating the humanity of my parents. I really did hold them - and Lance - on pedestals growing up. Realizing the true "reality" of my life is difficult, but I definitely feel empowered and even comforted when I start unpacking and really "seeing" these aspects of my life.

I feel more an more connected to my "self" instead of continuing to feel threatened, powerless, and scared - like I did most of my time growing up. I'm trying to be the me that I needed someone to be for me at that age. I know get the value of connecting and supporting your inner younger self.

Winner?!

I was a little behind on my schedule this morning so didn't sit down for coffee until almost 7:30. I almost didn't check email and FB like I usually do, but I decided to quickly in case there was anything I needed to let Doug know about.

There it was. In my notifications - Fracture had responded to my post on their vacation giveaway contest that I was the winner. I still don't believe it and won't until I have the prize IN MY HANDS!

According to the original post, I won $3500 in travel vouchers plus a $1000 gift card for Fracture prints. All with my simple post about Doug and my relationship for their love story contest (it was chosen at random, not by their favorite story).

I immediately messaged them, and they asked for my address to send the prize to. I also read the full rules (why would I have done that to start? I NEVER thought I'd actually win!). I noticed that it said the winner would be drawn on Feb. 3 and would have 7 days to claim the prize before it went to someone else. They replied to my comment this morning so I assumed the original winner never contacted them and I was the runner up.

So, when I go into work this morning, I decided to look at Fracture's FB to see if they HAD awarded it to someone else and I was the runner up. NOPE, they had posted on the morning of Feb 4 that I was the winner. I didn't realize that I had not Liked and wasn't Following them because I saw their posts so often - so I NEVER SAW THAT ONE! Plus, the last week has been CRAZY with taking half days, helping Glenwood with BidPal training, getting my Star ID, trying specifically to disconnect from internet over the weekend (still trying to stimulate my happy chemicals in better ways). I could have SO easily missed this opportunity.

Maybe that's why I'm still shrugging it off. Or maybe it's because it doesn't feel real. I haven't felt that intuitive "tingle" that I usually do when I get a feeling I'm going to win/get something. I'm feeling more anxious that something really bad is going to happen to offset it (that's just me, too, I guess).

I'm trying to focus myself on the fact that I DID win, they DID contact me, and they DID confirm I'm receiving it. It definitely gives me something to look forward to...once I process that it may actually be real :)

Words of 2020: Master and Fearless

Last year was a year of transformation.

Did I complete the tangible, measurable goals I set for myself (i.e., knitting scarves, learning handwriting styles)? No.

But the theme words I chose - Flexibility and Strength -  ended up ringing truer than I could have imagined (especially since I chose them in hopes that I would be back to pole dance fitness by the end of the year).

I chalk it all up to being focused on personal development in multiple ways (podcasts, Upward, counseling, etc.). I gave myself permission to grieve the life I'd planned but didn't get, to recognize truths about myself, and to make myself a priority in my life.

Continuing and deepening this transformation, I chose Master and Fearless as the theme words for 2020.

I've been leaning hard into the neuroscientific approach to behavior change. I'm noticing what impulses I'm feeling, why I'm feeling them, and trying to find a substitute if I want to change it.

So far, to a GREAT extent, I've been able to supplant my spending fixation to make me feel better. It really is like a drug - a hit of serotonin or dopamine is what I am looking for. I'm trying to substitute how good it will feel to pay off my debt soon and not be stressed by constantly owing money or having to scrimp to pay for things.

I'm struggling HARD on substituting something for using food to make me feel "better." I definitely feel the "itch" that I want to trigger a happy chemical and that food would be the easiest thing to use. I push it off and push it off, but without something else to fill that space, I usually end up giving in anyway. I'd like to substitute movement, but I'm still struggling with that motivation.

More and more, I am admitting to myself and realizing how wrong the position I am in is for who I am. My overall anxiety is better, and I am succeeding more and more at interacting with people on a more personal level (and being less frustrated by the time that takes). BUT, there is so much about what I do that kills me a little bit.

That isn't an exaggeration. I found that once I started moving into sponsorship and in kind donation focus for events, I shut down more socially and needed to disconnect when I got home to protect myself. That wounded animal feeling that I'd started not feeling as much last last year started coming back (though not as strongly so far).

Of course, I'm completely afraid that the next steps toward tech and analysis that I'm planning to take won't be the right step, either. I know that I lack so much of what people hiring for those positions are looking for, and I'm trying to find time to at least learn some new skills to make me more appealing. Of course, time and energy are NOT things I have an abundance of.

Hopefully, though, starting this year out with more awareness and a good deal less shame that I've had in the past will lead me farther down the path I'm trying to navigate. To echo Loretta Breuning, I have to focus on the path ahead, not the lion threatening me.