Since I feel like the universe is pulling me towards Meditation as an answer to my challenges of calming my mind and focusing on myself, I've been looking into Silent Retreats, Meditation Retreats, and Meditation Classes.
One of the groups I've started following on FB that regularly organizes events like this posted about one happening in Mobile at the end of this month. I instantly got excited that this may be a really cool experience (especially since there is a sound bath included which I've been really curious about).
Then the inner questions started:
- What will Doug think?
- Should I take that time on my own when I'm going out of town all weekend two weeks later?
- I'll have to reserve a hotel room for at least one night (roughly $100 a night). Is it worth the cost?
- Will I fit in or will it be embarrassing to be around those other people when I don't know what I'm doing?
- I'm so not flexible. Am I going to be completely uncomfortable the whole time sitting on the floor?
- Is this legitimately something I'm interested in or is it just that immediate dopamine hit of something new? Why can't I tell the difference?
So, in an effort to work towards reprogramming my auto responses, let's look at each knee jerk reaction:
- This could be a really good opportunity to have an honest conversation with Doug about what is going on with me, the journey I'm on, what I'm trying to address, etc.
- I have made it clear repeatedly - and been feeling a desperate need lately - that I need alone time. I've been looking at silent retreat options because I especially want some focused, limited stimulation time to really sort through my thoughts that come up with therapy, the codependency book, etc. This could be a really good opportunity to unlock some of that beyond just being by myself.
- Best way to overcome anxiety is with info. I emailed the Meditation Center hosting the retreat to let them know I am super new and ask the questions I had about the event.
- This one I'm still not sure about, but stretching is moving up on my personal priority list. Maybe if that becomes part of my meditation practice each day, I can accomplish adding both to my life.
- This does not seem to be something that I have to move on absolutely immediately. I told myself to wait until at least the end of today if not tomorrow. Wait to get the responses from the Center then talk it over with Doug. If I still feel as strongly after all the distractions today will inevitably bring, then it's the right thing to do.
I also realize that I have some deeply held prejudices about those who commit to the Meditation lifestyle, and this is where I think my "all or nothing" mentality is coming in to play again. I just have such a fear of being the outsider that I feel like I'm going to be an outsider in the meditation community if I don't make it my life, but then I'm going to be an outsider to everyone else for being into meditation at all.
It's irritating because that shouldn't even frigging matter, but I am so wrapped up in others perceptions that it still hinders me.
