Ever since I started my position at UAB, I'm had moments where I've truly realized the stress I was under fitting myself into the position at United Ability. Not just "I'm so busy" stress but "I'm existing outside all my comfort zones on a constant basis and trying like hell to survive" stress.
Don't get me wrong - I am thankful for my time there. It definitely has given me insight into fundraising experiences that will help me through the rest of my career, and I could not have asked for better people to work with for 6+ years. I definitely would not be the person I am now or even be as good as I am at my job without that experience (not would I have gone through the Upward Program in an attempt to improve my performance - which has truly changed my life).
In early November (only 2 months in my new job), I got my first "Great Job" email. I realized that either I had not really heard praise in my previous environment or I didn't ALLOW myself to hear it because I constantly felt like such a failure. Marylyn repeatedly (and I think sincerely) tells me how glad she is I'm here, and other leadership has told her and me how much they enjoy working with me and what great work I've already done. They says I "get it" unlike the team has before.
I know that Alison doled out praise for events or other work, but I think there was also just a prevailing mindset (because we acknowledged it from time to time) of "that was great, now let's move to the next thing." I also ONLY saw my shortcomings on all my accomplishments because so much of my job was stuff I could do but were NOT my strengths.
Working in my true strengths (at least during this possible Honeymoon phase) is a completely different world. Yesterday, Marylyn posted in the Team asking if I'd let everyone know about the Task Form changes I'd made in Prod and letting me know the team needs to discuss all potential changes in Prod before they are made. In the past, I would have broken out in a cold sweat - my fight or flight response ignited - at being "called out," but I completely took it in stride this time. I saw it merely as a communication/reminder/gentle course correction. It wasn't construed in my head as a personal attack (not that ANY of my managers have ever intended feedback as a personal attack, but my neural system interpreted it that way) because I wasn't already attacking myself.
On Saturday, I ran sound for ETC's Holiday 'Spolsion with no tech run through and without being familiar with most of the show. Doug made a cue sheet, and I thought I'd noted them all to make sure I didn't miss any or mess them up. I did great...until the last one that was supposed to be triggered by a line for the whole cast to start singing along. It was the only cue that I misread the notes for an hit the WRONG key so started a whole different song TWICE before finally getting the right one. Again, I would have beaten myself up and relived the moment over and over before. This time, I finally understood the "like water off a duck's back" saying. I apologized, of course, but that was it - I couldn't change it, the world hadn't started turning because I did it - done and move on.
Despite having an ongoing ear infection (possible burst ear drum) for a month that has REALLY bothered me AND a UTI that exhausted me at the same time, I haven't felt as worn down as I used to. I've also been more gentle with myself and been ok not accomplishing all I want to (especially around the house). I think THAT is part of my being so burned out so much earlier this year and just physically/mentally/emotionally not being able to do much of anything. I've realized it's ok and it'll get done at some point.
I am worried what darkness may be around the corner (because that's how life seems to balance out), but MANY times in the last week, I've found myself realizing I'm happy and joyful. I am in awe of my life and realize I have checked so many of the boxes for what I'd wanted for my future when I was a kid. If I could only go back to those hardest times to let myself know it really would be ok one day.
