I have always said that I am not a big supporter of pretty much any version of "supposed to."
I have realized recently that I apply this to SO much of my life, but still guilt myself constantly about not meeting the "I'm supposed to" expectations when it comes to my family.
I still have these expectations that Mom and Dad should have been more ideal than they were, that I'm supposed to be closer to them than I am, that I'm supposed to interact with them more than I do, etc. I feel like a bad daughter all the time, and I have this tug-of-war in my head between feeling angry/cheated that Mom and Dad displayed the (very human) problems they did but also rationalizing that they did their level best (especially considering their individual family backgrounds).
I am so lucky to have an inlaw family that I enjoy as much as I do in Doug's family. When I visit them, it reminds me of the positive escape that I felt Grandmom and Granddad's house always was. When I go home to Mom and Dad, it feels like I'm navigating a mine field and having to play referee to try to prop up healthy boundaries that I was never able to have growing up (but desperately needed).
I keep trying to compare my parents at my age to my life. I mean, they had 2 children - one 5 year old, one 11 year old. I am pretty sure Mom's hormones were already out of balance between having a child later and her (what we now know) thyroid issues. I know my anxiety was crippling in the last few years, and I couldn't reconcile what was happening. To go through that and ALSO have to be responsible for 2 kids - no wonder she was always on edge!
For as outgoing as Dad is, I think he also has a lot of introvert to him. So, being in a career that was always interaction based, it makes sense that when he came home, he just wanted to shut down and shut off (like I do).
It hit me recently when I was wondering why it was so hard for us to have conversations or talk or share...we have NEVER been that way! When I was really young, we crowded around the kitchen island to watch the little TV during meals. When we moved, Lance was already gone all the time, and the rest of us tended to separate to our own areas. We always stole away to our own areas anytime outside of meals. That's how we've always functioned, so why would now be different?
When I lived on my own, I called Mom and Dad every week. Most of the time, it was a very brief check in because there wasn't anyone to watch out for me, and I knew they worried. Now that Doug and I have been together, I don't check in because I don't feel like I need to - AND I have other things to focus on whether cooking, cleaning, dealing with dogs, or just watching TV together. I still feel guilty, though, that we don't talk more.
I really do want to improve my appreciation for my parents and reconnect with them in more ways - even though we'll never have the "perfect" TV relationship. But, I think my feelings of being a failure, of disappointing by being removed is hampering that.
Another think I have puzzled about when it comes to Mom and my relationship is the feel for distance and wall that I put up at some point - I think in my early teen years and have continued to prop up. I've wondered what changed because I think we were pretty close when I was a little kid - I mean, we were around each other all the time. Even when I was in school, I basically only ever went to school or sat on the couch.
It occurred to me recently, though, that I remember feeling like Mom treated me more like a friend and confidant than a child in late elementary/Jr High. It put a lot of weight on me, and made me feel like I needed to be her protector. It suddenly occurred to me that I started pushing her away in much the same way that I did Tony D when I worked with him. When I kept being involved in conversations I DID NOT want to be involved in and couldn't find any other way to keep them from happening, I flipped the bitch switch. I don't know that I was necessarily bitchy to Mom in the same way, but I do wonder if that was when I became more obstinate (her word) in an effort to get her to not confide in me. I think I still start to push that wall back up every time she starts into that type of conversation because it reopens that trigger/weighted feeling for me.
It's been a struggle every since I moved out - seeing and appreciating the humanity of my parents. I really did hold them - and Lance - on pedestals growing up. Realizing the true "reality" of my life is difficult, but I definitely feel empowered and even comforted when I start unpacking and really "seeing" these aspects of my life.
I feel more an more connected to my "self" instead of continuing to feel threatened, powerless, and scared - like I did most of my time growing up. I'm trying to be the me that I needed someone to be for me at that age. I know get the value of connecting and supporting your inner younger self.
