When I was turning 40 last year, I decided I was going to embrace experiences - I went canoeing with friends, I did yoga with baby goats, Doug and I went to Chicago, I took an impromptu trip to St. Louis with Lori.
As I'm turning 41, the world has been on lock down for a month and is full of uncertainty due to the Coronavirus/COVID-19 pandemic.
It is a complicated time - not just because it is my birthday. I can't escape the realization that I am once again living through true history - the kind that history books will detail. Also the kind with a gravity that connects me to similar experiences of the past. The terrorist attacks of 9/11 helped me understand the emotion, fear, support, etc. of the Pearl Harbor attack. Past pandemics like the Black Plague, yellow fever, and cholera made such impacts that no study of history is complete without them. It isn't until now that I understand a sliver of the lasting trauma they really caused - even with the communication and medical advances we have now.
The biggest echo this has stirred in me is the shutdown and resignation I felt in the period between my C diff infection and ultimate ileostomy surgery. I didn't know what would happen, how long it would last, and didn't have effective coping outlets. At moments, it gets overwhelming and dark, but luckily those moments don't last long. I also dwell in the knowledge that this challenge WILL end (one way or another), and life will go on. Still, it's strange.
Me being me, I keep trying to analyse and access what I'm feeling to better deal with myself, my experience, and my world. However, my feelings change so often that I can't get a grasp on them. I end up tamping them back down and trying to return to a submissive numbness.
One significant difference in this period is Doug and the dogs. The pups cuddle with me so often, and it melts my heart. It is the only feeling I truly crave and truly allow myself to feel.
Doug and I are stronger than ever. We've respected each others' boundaries and needs during this time - I spend most of my weekdays in the living room working or just watching TV I want to watch. We've had some great life and personal discussions. I feel like we're connecting more - almost like we did in the beginning instead of sort of taking each other for granted.
In many ways, I'm in a bit of an ideal situation - I am living like a hermit (other than Doug) with minimal interactions (mostly digital) with other people. I have built-in boundaries to interact or not. Although, during yesterday's plethora of digital birthday wishes, I felt like I wanted to withdraw more instead of engage. There is some sort of personal trauma that gets ignited that I still don't understand.
One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. This will pass, we will learn.
