I thought I was numb. COVID shutdowns started and then continued longer than originally planned as there still wasn't clear knowledge about the virus to prevent illness. The moving light at the end of the tunnel was something that was hard to fathom - especially since everything at work was on hold because of it. So, I dealt in the best way I knew how - I shut down a bit, too.
As we all started settling into our new COVID normal and started the process of slowing reopening where we could, we started making plans again. We started establishing firm event plans I could start moving towards and working on again. I started having active, full work days with a purpose. I felt less of a need to plug emotional holes with food and started rekindling healthier eating habits.
Then, the bottom fucking fell out....
Doug and I snapped at each other constantly for almost a week starting Memorial Day weekend. His drinking was getting more out of hand, and I felt increasingly disconnected - when he was my only connection.
The country erupted after the murder of George Floyd by police. The perfect storm of other senseless killings of people of color plus COVID frustrations launched the country into passionate protests that opportunistic bastards twisted into destructive and violent riots. Curfews were inflicted to try to protect the population who were afraid to venture out anyway.
The straw that shattered what little semblance of grasp I still had - Dr. Gary Edwards, one of the sweetest, most influential-for-good men I've ever known died. His funeral was yesterday. I saw him in the casket, and every brain cell still told me "You're gonna see him when you get to go back to the office. He's too vital. He's not dead." I literally cannot process it.
I've had moments of the deepest darkness and hopelessness that I haven't felt since high school. I have had moments where I just want it all to end and I don't want to endure another day of it (which would I guess translate into suicide but I don't want to die - just for all the pain to end). I feel like I feel nothing. Yes, I realize the irony and confusion of that statement.
I've gone shopping since that used to give me a dopamine bump, but everything was just stuff instead of treasures like it used to be. I've eaten everything from junk to healthful hoping something might trigger a happy moment but I still just feel hungry for something I can't define. I've started praying again - honestly baring to God what I feel like I can't bare to anyone else since everyone is hurting, but I still feel like there is a wall of my own construction trying to protect me but distancing me instead.
I've tried to tools in my arsenal. So, the only one left is to give up. Literally go with the flow wherever it drags me. Give up control to regain it. It worked when I was dying in the hospital and literally didn't have the strength to fight. Ultimately, I connected to a better life. I would hope that is what will happen now, but I'm too exhausted - in every way possible - to hope at this moment.
Somewhere way deep in me, there is a small flicker. A whispering voice that there will be a better-but-different existence for myself and the world at large after this. That why I kept holding on, but now, I'm loosening my grip in the hopes that the whirlpool is gonna take me where I need to go all on its own.
Initiate shutdown sequence.
