I hopes of perking me back up, I'm going to recount some of the hard-won GOOD things that have come together in hopes I can find my way back to positivity - at the risk of recognizing them and shooting them all to hell...
Mom
Of course, I've been struggling with my relationship with Mom for a long time. I've been trying to figure out why I have this self-imposed barrier of protection against her.
I had a revelation several weeks ago about the biggest way she and I are the same - we are outsiders in the family. I have never really felt like I "fit" in my immediate or extended family because I have very different interests (i.e., I hate sports, I like artsy and dark stuff). Bailey has felt like my appreciated connection since she has the same ideas.
I realized that Mom is also an outsider with her obsessive interest in alternative medicine. I realized that if I substituted that for my interests, our experiences are probably very similar. We're looking to "fit," to be accepted, and to be appreciated.
I've been trying to view and approach my relationship with her through this lens, and I haven't felt as combative or protective against her.
She emailed yet another "alternative medicine conspiracy theory" podcast link last week urging us to listen to it. Instead of dismissing and ignoring it like usual - which I'm sure all of us in the family she sends them to usually do, I decided to send a measured, intentional response. I admitted that I didn't listen to the podcast but I did research the speaker and the topics it said he was speaking about. I agreed that there are probably more dangers (5G, bioengineering, etc) than the authorities admit to but that I doubt it's as dire as the alternative medicine experts theorize. I said I would like to see more unbiased data but since money drives everything that I doubted we'd ever get the full truth. I went further to say that stuff she had shared before ended up being helpful so it was good to at least keep a peripheral awareness of these concerns.
She actually responded and said she did just want the info to be on our radar. I felt like it was a big step for us. I hope it keeps up - maybe I can just talk to her on the phone one day instead of Dad monopolizing the entire call and balking at her saying anything.
Work
I don't know if it's because I have WAY fewer social interactions that deplete my energy while working at home or if it's because I feel like the potential failure pressure connected to events is so much less, but I feel like I have really started to "bloom where I'm planted." I actually connect with my team better, I feel a closer connection to and appreciation for the organization, and I feel reinvigorated.
Overall, I am recognizing my value and expertise instead of still considering myself an entry level newbie who doesn't know what I'm doing.
I'm honestly concerned about returning to operations as usual one day and that this may all melt away as my anxieties build back up. But I'm hoping I can change my self talk and instill reminders of this good time.
Crohns Wounds
Ever since my Crohns started when I was 18, it has made me hate my body - in very different ways than I had previously.
Despite the digestive side of Crohns being no problem since my big surgery in 2010, it has continued to affect my body in irritating, embarrassing, and hard-to-treat life-affecting ways.
It's been at least 6 years (if not longer) since the rash under my wafer started making me self-conscious and constantly concerned for the integrity of its adhesion. It was one of the major reasons why I was afraid to be too physically active - sexually and exercising. I would constantly pat down and check my wafer for leakage, loosening, etc. I spent easily a couple thousand of dollars to extra supplies or experimental supplies to help.
Suddenly, my skin has become healthy. I've had a couple of concerning spots that I've immediately started to treat in hopes to prevent its return, but I no longer have to constantly patch the edges of the wafer or its reinforcement bandages on a daily basis. I actually got to the point that I have to change the full appliance every other day for a while.
Then all of a sudden, it was fine. I am shocked at the relief it has brought not having to worry about it. I knew it annoyed and frustrated me, but I didn't realize how much until I wasn't worrying anymore.
While that was clearing up, my genital Crohns skin issues - along one labia and my continued rectal wound bed - have gotten progressively worse. My GYN advised me to talk to my GI about new medications because the skin irritation is so bad. I really don't want to go on another high-powered, expensive medication that doesn't seem to affect these skin issues.
I've been trying to treat with the steroid cream from the dermatologist. I developed a superficial fistula in my groin a few weeks ago and immediately started treating topically with the steroid cream - it healed in less than 2 weeks. The other wounds - it doesn't seem to touch AND I'm afraid to use too often since it thins the skin and could make it worse.
When ordering my ostomy supplies on Medical Monks last time, I had the wild idea to just search "inflamation" to see if any products to try might show up. A collagen lotion came up so I did some research on that - it's used in wound care to help heal and protect stubborn wounds. I decided to trade the gamble I'd been taking (unsuccessfully since they didn't seem to be what worked) on my ostomy to these wounds and buy (the not-so-cheap) product.
I've been using it religiously twice a day for a week and a half on the wound by the labia. I am SUPER encouraged that it may actually work. The area is definitely less red, and one of the deeper spots seems to be starting to fill in. I'm afraid to be too optimistic, but OH MY GOD, would it be great if this worked!
One of the many reasons why I haven't wanted to be intimate with Doug is because of the embarrassment and physical discomfort cause by all these skin issues. I also get SO tired of having to clean the toilet seat after almost every time I go to the bathroom because the rectal wound constantly bleeds or oozes, leaving a spot. Maybe I could go back o wearing cute, typical underwear instead of incontinence panties since I wouldn't have to worry about making sure the rectal wound doesn't drain on my clothes. I have had to worry with this for more than 8 years, and the wound continues to worsen.
I still believe that nothing bad in life happens without something good, and nothing good happens without something bad. I'm praying that the turbulent state of our world right now is the bad enough to balance out the potential life-changing healing of these wounds. I literally cannot imagine how different my life could be!
