Last year was a year of transformation.
Did I complete the tangible, measurable goals I set for myself (i.e., knitting scarves, learning handwriting styles)? No.
But the theme words I chose - Flexibility and Strength - ended up ringing truer than I could have imagined (especially since I chose them in hopes that I would be back to pole dance fitness by the end of the year).
I chalk it all up to being focused on personal development in multiple ways (podcasts, Upward, counseling, etc.). I gave myself permission to grieve the life I'd planned but didn't get, to recognize truths about myself, and to make myself a priority in my life.
Continuing and deepening this transformation, I chose Master and Fearless as the theme words for 2020.
I've been leaning hard into the neuroscientific approach to behavior change. I'm noticing what impulses I'm feeling, why I'm feeling them, and trying to find a substitute if I want to change it.
So far, to a GREAT extent, I've been able to supplant my spending fixation to make me feel better. It really is like a drug - a hit of serotonin or dopamine is what I am looking for. I'm trying to substitute how good it will feel to pay off my debt soon and not be stressed by constantly owing money or having to scrimp to pay for things.
I'm struggling HARD on substituting something for using food to make me feel "better." I definitely feel the "itch" that I want to trigger a happy chemical and that food would be the easiest thing to use. I push it off and push it off, but without something else to fill that space, I usually end up giving in anyway. I'd like to substitute movement, but I'm still struggling with that motivation.
More and more, I am admitting to myself and realizing how wrong the position I am in is for who I am. My overall anxiety is better, and I am succeeding more and more at interacting with people on a more personal level (and being less frustrated by the time that takes). BUT, there is so much about what I do that kills me a little bit.
That isn't an exaggeration. I found that once I started moving into sponsorship and in kind donation focus for events, I shut down more socially and needed to disconnect when I got home to protect myself. That wounded animal feeling that I'd started not feeling as much last last year started coming back (though not as strongly so far).
Of course, I'm completely afraid that the next steps toward tech and analysis that I'm planning to take won't be the right step, either. I know that I lack so much of what people hiring for those positions are looking for, and I'm trying to find time to at least learn some new skills to make me more appealing. Of course, time and energy are NOT things I have an abundance of.
Hopefully, though, starting this year out with more awareness and a good deal less shame that I've had in the past will lead me farther down the path I'm trying to navigate. To echo Loretta Breuning, I have to focus on the path ahead, not the lion threatening me.
