Last week, Lori and I took a Girls' Trip to St. Louis - where she travels almost constantly for work but never gets to do touristy stuff in. With our schedules, we really don't get to hang out much together so I was looking forward to getting to catch up and hang out together more than anything.
Despite leaving shortly after daybreak (we had to get into town before a walking tour at 5:30p), we were both super talkative for most of the drive up there because we really haven't just talked in forever (and it is also NEVER just the 2 of us).
Though it wasn't my plan, I did end up unloading about some of my frustrations at work, and Lori was able to give some incredibly helpful insight since she does have great HR experience, great management experience, and knows me so well. I didn't realize how much I needed (and to what degree I haven't had) a true sounding board to help provide me some perspective and also reduce the echo chamber in my head.
Just a day or two before, Alison was discussing my annual performance review and goals for next year. She said that I needed to work on being more collaborative. I interpreted that as getting more input and involvement on implementing plans. Lori helped explain that collaboration begins before that. I need to speak to those involved or affected before I even start planning to get their feedback on where to focus, what's important, etc. Alison Grizzle talked about this in her assessment of me during Upward - I get a plan completely formulated before I let others in on it and then am unwilling/unable to reshape it based on their comments/ideas.
Lori presented it like this: she asked how I used to do research papers in school. I said that I would get my general theme, read a bunch of different information, identify facts or quotes that I liked then take some time to let it organize in my head before reviewing again to choose what to use and what didn't fit. She said that she (as an example of the polar opposite operations) would figure out what he paper was about, look for the exact info she needed to back that up, and do the paper. That completely opened my eyes! And, I'd never had anyone lay it out so clearly or simply for me.
When I told her about some of the things (especially with GIG updates) that I've shared with Alison (boss) lately, she said," Ugh, if I was your manager and you brought to me, I'd just start thinking how much work it was going to be and that you needed to take care of it yourself." I explained that most of the time, I am not trying to bring up things for her to do, I am just trying to be sensitive to the correct hierarchy for who needs to be involved in the changes as I'm working through them.
When I started talking about my frustrations at feeling left our of the discussions regarding the new hybrid Journey of Hope event (even though it now involves me and the Junior Board), being left out of Donor Detectives discussions so that I'm not clear at all on how any plans fit together, and being left out even of when marketing/rebranding discussions were happening for events I plan, Lori helped me reframe what my real issue was. Alison and I are viewing the problem in very different ways and weren't using the right language to get to the right solution. Alison thinks I always want a set in stone plan and sort of chides me for it because things are always changing. I always say I'm fine with changes, but I have to have a basic idea before I can even make room for changes. In actuality, all I'm looking for is COMMUNICATION about what's happening - not a structured plan.
I've talked time and time again about the e-Newsletter and what is going to be covered each month. The truth is that I don't know when it's even being planned to be sent but then get asked if I have anything for it the day before. Because I AM so aware that things can and will change on the JOH event (and, of course, I am always planning 18 steps ahead), I don't feel like I can even start thinking about moving in any direction because I'm afraid we'll end up having to completely change course.
Today, these communications issues showed up again and made me realize what a universal issue this is for me to work on. Since last month when Andrea at Momentum approached me about wanting to connect ETC to the Momentum Conference last year, I've been trying to work on figuring out what that would look like. A couple of weeks ago, I finally got the link for the online proposal form and talked to the committee planning chair about my ideas. Last week, before I went out of town, I gave Doug the printed Powerpoint slides and completed form draft, and I asked him to look over it to give me feedback when I got back since the deadline is this week.
Today, I panicked when I realized I have 2 days to submit it. I'm honestly afraid that not coming through on this will reflect badly on me when I've been working to be a part of this network of successful women. I, frankly, got pissed at Doug for once again dropping a ball (especially when I know he just hung out on the couch with Emily for 5 days while I was gone). I shot him an email saying that he needed to either immediately let me know ETC wasn't interested so I could line up another improv group or give me feedback to finalize plans when I got home tonight.
It look me a good hour or 2 to calm down. I started spiraling anger, depression, self doubt, frustration with Doug, recognition of my failings in the situation, feeling overwhelmed with the behavior changes I need to make, how those changes affect how I work, how I don't feel like I can count on everyone, etc, etc, etc. I still get overwhelmed pretty easily when I think about having to rely on help and input from other people (when I feel like they constantly show they don't give 2 shits).
Backing away, I realize that I have got to figure out a better mutually-agreed-upon communication strategy with Doug. He processed things more like Lori - wanting to do the bare minimum required to get something done (not in a bad way). However, I also never feel like it's a good time to talk to him. Half the time, he's already drunk and/or high by the time I get home so I can't have a conversation. In the morning before work, he's still half asleep or biding his time before he has to "engage" with anything. If I do try to bring something important up at pretty much any time, I have to keep it brief because he just acts so irritated, rolls his eyes, and shrugs away from talking.
I still find myself struggling to walk the line between taking into account what others need and standing up for myself/my needs at the same time. I seem to overcompensate too much one way or the other - both of which keep biting me in the ass.
Not to blame my childhood but to understand a bit of why I am who I am - I was pretty much always by myself for most of my life until I left the house. I didn't have many neighborhood kids my age (2-5 depending on the year). A couple of them were close, but not like "sit around and share your in-depth feelings" close. We played together. One stopped being my friend early in elementary school when I slapped her for spraying me with a hose. The other, I never saw again after we moved (my parents weren't exactly helpful in going out of our way to help me see friends). Honestly, I could count on 2 hands (and still have fingers left) the number of "close friends" I had up through age 18. Most of them weren't people I could really confide in, and many of them were selfish or manipulative.
So, I learned to stick to myself and develop relationships in my own head in a world of my making. It was how I coped. I have moved beyond that as I have build more relationships and more trust in those relationships, but my default preservation and comfort is still just being with myself.
I usually pride myself on being able to see situations from various points of view, but I keep finding blindspots when it comes to doing this with people around me. All I can do is be aware, be intentional, and keep trying.
