Last night, it happened. Doug and I both reached out breaking point with ETC.
It really started before yesterday morning - he's had his "let's just end it" breakdowns at least once at year or every other year since we started dating. I usually just poo-poo it and pep talk him into getting it back together. But, it definitely is an energy drain and stressor for each of us.
Yesterday morning, Chris started frantically texting the entire group about getting Theatre Downtown to help promote this weekend's ETC shows (that we just booked on Monday so we haven't really had a chance to get word out). Since Chris has voiced his disdain for TDT on many occasions, his "they need to send emails to their list" and "they need to XYZ" did come off a little hostile (and really didn't need to be to the entire group). Because I immediately knew that it would get under Doug's skin, I replied that we need to make sure we have the same promotions expectations and discussions with all theatre partners (since Chris also books venues) and that we needed to take the convo to direct meeting/text instead of pinging the entire group during the work day.
I knew that Chris had been gone for a week or two and missed rehearsals. As is his usual behavior, he starts freaking out the week of a show and starts getting into all-out-promo mode. Being gone, he's hyper anxious about it all. That's where his messages were coming from.
Doug is under a lot of stress and frustration at work. He's having to miss the Friday night show to join the family to work on the farmhouse in south Alabama, so he's keyed up about making sure everything runs smoothly - especially for my sake. We had agreed that we'd go last night (after my haircut - around 6:30) to the theatre to drop off items to make set up as easy as possible Friday night. Of course, Doug had been stressed and seething all day so he had self medicated heavily by the time I got home.
When we got there, the stage had not been cleared, and the theatre was a mess. All his frustrations bubbled over, and he started tossing stuff to get it out of the way - which I called him out on and told him to calm down. Of course, he just got more frustrated as things went on. We got the stage cleared of all the furniture that had been left out, got the lectern pushed out to the stage, and were assembling the movable sets (since there is NOTHING on the stage for entrances/exits) when TDT people started coming in. There was a rehearsal!
I was mortified and pissed. First of all, I thought we were just going to drop stuff off and make sure lighting stuff worked - not set the entire stage, but when I saw the state of the theatre, I appreciated that we were clearing it so it was one less thing to deal with before the show. I also (very mistakenly) thought that Doug had communicated with TDT to make sure that no one was using the space before the show. He had not.
SO, we not only wasted time and energy moving everything, we very likely completely effed up their rehearsal. We rushed to finish what we were doing to get out of their way and then move EVERYTHING we had moved into the space to the side so it was out of their way.
Of course, Doug was still seething when we got outside. When we got in the car, I was trying REALLY hard not to lose it on him. I knew I was hungry and tired on top of everything else. He snarked something, and I told him to be quiet because his attitude may ruin his night, but it wasn't going to ruin mine. He was quiet the rest of the way home. I stopped to pick up food on our way home, but just as we were getting to the house, I couldn't take it anymore.
I told him that he'd talked about ending ETC so many times - maybe this was finally the time. It was a pain in my ass and his that would be great to not have to worry about.
We went in the house - he went to the den to watch TV. After I changed clothes and got my food, I went to watch TV in the Living Room because I knew I needed to relax, calm down, and disconnect for a bit. After doing all that, I did feel better. While I was in the living room, I heard Doug go to his computer in the office and start typing something long.
After my show was over, I went in the den (with the plan to make a brief apology for blowing up and explain I had felt embarrassed before going to bed). After I said my peace, Doug handed me what he had typed - his full resignation from ETC leadership and agreement to stay on as a performer only. He said it had been the first time I had supported his thoughts about ending ETC so he was on board. Of course, that began an hour long discussion/breakdown where he FINALLY let me in on the work stuff he was dealing with and how he really didn't want to go the farm with the family.
So, it wasn't completely ETC that had shot the day to hell - it was the last straw and Doug (being Doug) was sandcastling. After we talked it through, he started to calm down and even start joking again.
Although, for the first time, I didn't pep talk him into keeping ETC going. I pep talked him into how to start coping if ETC did end.
God, I really would love to get that constant worry and burden off my back, too. Having to fit in promotions every day on top of everything else I go is exhausting (and SO not my strength, but no one else stepped in). I would love to just enjoy a show instead of working it - and finding other people to work it.
If I'm being honest, though, it is also part of my identity - something I point to as something cool and "better than" that I'm a part of. It would be a loss to end it. Doug and I neither on like big change, but we've also been through it before.
I'm most proud that no matter what, HE AND I came out of last night ok and stronger. I'm really glad we were able to talk it out. Even if ETC does end, I don't want our relationship to go with it.
So, what's the next step from here? I don't know I convinced Doug that we need to wait until he is more calm and can thing less emotionally. I told him that I think there needs to be a vulnerable, honest discussion with the team rather than him just sending a letter or email with no background or plan.
As I thought when he was first talking about adding theatres and growing, it wasn't something sustainable. He has lofty intentions, but his strength is actually not creating and adhering to systems and plans to support it. He also is REALLY not good a communicating with the group but still expecting them to do (or know) what he wants.
I think hardcore scaling back would not be a bad thing. I think having each player pick 2-3 hats/wigs/accessories from the bins they want to keep and donating the rest is a great place to start since storage is one thing tying us to TDT and that stresses Doug out. I think abandoning the lofty education arm and ETC Productions arch so that all we do is perform improv makes sense. I think sitting down AS A GROUP to look at a year's show schedule options to pick dates and venues that EVERYONE is on board with (and holds on their effing calendars so we know we can cast it) than assign specific venues to specific people to coordinate (instead of Doug doing it all) is also doable. Making out social media only promotion (which is essentially what the other improv groups in town do) is great. Maybe even assign a cast member to do the posts for their venue or show.
Doug and I are both overachievers. It absolutely bites us, but (as I'm realizing more and more) they are only expectations we put on ourselves. So, let's take a page out of everyone else's book - let's just simplify. Let's just let things happen as they happen and not worry about it when they don't.
Of course, I can plan and decide all I want - it'll be up to Doug to ultimately determine next steps. But I would love a lighter life all the way around - something to be enjoyed instead of endured.
