Now that I have a name and a list of signs/symptoms for what has been happening to me for almost 40 years, I am starting to connect some very important dots.
Yesterday, I read the text of a speech that Wil Wheaton gave recently about his history of depression and anxiety. In it, he talked about having panic attacks as a child and how they were dismissed in various ways - mostly because adults didn't know what to do or what was happening either. It did help to know not only that someone else had been through some of this but that SOMEONE ELSE DIDN'T FIGURE IT OUT UNTIL ADULTHOOD.
Part of what has frustrated and confused me - and made me feel like more of a failure - is that face that I didn't put all this together sooner to start getting help because I consistently reached level 11. Since I've identified this happening more and more regularly over that last 2-3 years, I even started looking at things that happened then (moving in with Doug, being assigned more work responsibilities, not having as many health challenges to distract me) and wondering if those were the influences causing this. That made me start thinking back through instances of this that happened BEFORE those things, too, though.
Then, last night on my way to stretch class, it hit me - I have had this since I was a child. I used to wake up in the middle of the night and stay awake for a long time looking out my window to make sure I didn't see strange cars outside the house, people sneaking around, or shadow outlines that could mean someone was planning to break in - I even did this as a teenager. I would constantly sniff the air to make sure I didn't smell smoke to ensure the house wasn't on fire. When we went on trips, I would get wound up worrying that we come home to the house broken into or burned down. Then, there's the storm phobia that caused me to get physically ill with worry.
I know Mom and Dad didn't understand why I acted this way so I don't blame them for attributing it to me being silly or working myself up for nothing. It also makes me realize why I spent so much of my time mentally living in an imaginary world where I could find peace and control more easily.
I know that I was so focused on dealing with and trying to manage my overwhelming depression and suicidal feelings that nothing else necessarily rated, but I also misattributed many of these feelings to something else - usually an outside influence like being bullied or being different.
God, I really wonder how my entire life would have been different IF we had figured this out then and gotten me help. I wonder what would have happened if I had been as squeaky a wheel as Lance was with his acting out so that I got the same attention and attempts at help that he did. I know that even that jealousy doesn't necessarily make sense - and may be some of the anxiety talking, but it does bring up a lot of hurt.
I think I'm glad that I finally made an appointment with a therapist to start working through all of this. I'm also glad that it's starting to come together in my head so that we have some good places to start talking and solving rather than having to tease it out. Still, it's a little overwhelming.
I'm SO hopefully - finally - to start LIVING again instead of just trying to keep from falling apart every day.
