All weekend I was absolutely wiped. I managed to go to dinner and a comedy show Saturday night with Doug and our friends, and I chose outfits for my boudoir photos next weekend and cooked dinner Sunday. Other than that, my body felt like it has weights attached to it and I couldn't get off the couch.
Today, I just constantly feel like breaking into tears - a feeling that had become all too commonplace.
I constantly feel like a failure. When we first started planning this new Jr Bd event, it was Jamie (the owner of the brewery) who kept talking about all the big plans for the success of the brewery like it was so easy - 3800 people, live music on their stage/loading dock weekly, large scale fundraising events. When we'd talk about my realistic expectations for our event, he kept telling me not only that we were thinking too small but that we had to "make it worth them agreeing to dedicate the brewery to us all day."
As we've gotten further into the planning process and had more conversations with the brewery (which, by the way, STILL isn't open after setting 4 different expected open dates), I realize that Jamie is a big talker but he does/knows zero about the actual particulars that he boasts about. So, he's part of what has made me feel like shit since last Fall.
So, I'm not only battling to plan what is essentially two events in one (all day live music for a venue with no equipment and a food cook-off) but I'm also pushing against (at times through) the most crippling depression and anxiety I have felt in 20 years.
Losing October to my broken ankle (which actually feels like months instead of weeks) and then a kidney stone that made me cancel the last meeting opportunity before the Holidays does, of course, make me blame myself for being so behind. The fact that the Junior Board members aren't more involved or that I've done so much fundamental planning without delegating to them makes me feel like an incompetent leader.
Then, I also can't help but wonder - am I doing too much and trying too hard? Maybe I don't need to make sure we're adhering so closely to food and fire safety regulations. Are other events? Maybe we don't need to plan for as much volunteer help as I think we do for the 12+ hour event. Overachieving is so natural to me that I don't know where that "this is what is necessary" boundary crosses into "you're focusing way too much on what doesn't actually matter."
Of course, because I don't know what is my fault and what isn't, I also don't know who or how to ask for help. I don't know... I just don't fucking know anything anymore.
The fact that I cringe every time the phone rings. That I let out a heavy sigh when I keep getting semi-pointless on-campus volunteer requests (which I STILL don't understand WHY that is on my plate and have made a point to mention it in every annual review since it got dumped on me). That I want to yell "I'm just trying to survive my April event, lay off worrying about JOH" to people who are already offering to help.
Oh yeah, and add to that another MASSIVE organization change - replacing my immediate boss who I have had a great relationship with - on top of my so-far-disastrous event planning. (All of this not even starting to mention the on-going partisan BS political hatred constantly spewing in society, on-going COVID concern, and war between Russia and Ukraine that may escalate to involve already-hurting countries internationally.)
And, how can I forget, the fact that I have the only drivable car in the family and have become defacto "do everything" representative. As well as Doug being constantly put out by us having to give H fluids every night - especially since he often bleeds and leaks from the needle entry point which means it's all going wrong even though anything that gets poked with a needle fucking bleeds. He keeps saying his frustration isn't with me but with the vet who didn't train us well enough, but how can I not take that personally when I WAS THE ONE THEY TRAINED TO POKE HIM WITH THE NEEDLE?!
Yes, I'm devolving. Yes, I'm getting off topic. But this is the chaos that is constantly in my brain and on my back. I'm still dealing with almost constant discomfort in my ankle. I eat crap food because I don't have the energy (and Doug doesn't either or, frankly cares) to cook real food. I get in bed late because I have meetings or social hangouts (because I need something happy and nice) most nights after work.
To quote McDonald's - I need a break today.
But, I won't get one and probably won't until I'm ground down to nothing.
Happy thoughts!
