Last Wednesday night, I felt the conviction in the truest part of my soul that I had to fail.
The ball started rolling last year when the new brewery in Hoover contacted us that they wanted to partner with us on a fundraising event after they opened. Rob - who is friends with the brewery owner - on our Junior Board was fired up about doing a new Junior Board event. With the opportunity for a venue partner and a JB member who was on my side, we went all in on ending the golf tournament and committing to the new event.
From the beginning, however, Rob has pushed for the event to be a cook-off. I have tried to push back equally hard because I KNEW the event was too big for us. With all kinds of bullshit life has thrown at everyone involved ON TOP of the size of the event, it has proven to have broken us (well, DEFINITELY has broken me).
One of the stress points has been Alison (my boss') direction on the Junior Board ever since I took over. In addition to liking Alison as a person, I have also looked to her as a mentor and role model as I've been trying to develop into more of a fundraiser since my role has been expanded into that. However, she has repeatedly assigned the Junior Board unreachable goals (like $50,000 on a brand new event when we've struggled to hit $30,000 on a repeat golf tournament).
She also keeps telling me that I need to make the Junior Board "work for me instead of working for them" and that I need to stop stepping in to make things happen when they aren't doing it. This is the same woman who - on the JOH committee planning call which is HER event planning responsibility - was the sole speaker, got NO response when she asked for feedback/assistance, and who shoulders the entire event HERSELF. But I'm supposed to successfully function completely differently.
Because I was trying to take her instruction to heart and NOT plan the entire event myself like is my nature, I purposefully made myself wait on doing things like writing the cook-off team rules, contact rental vendors for tent and table pricing, etc. - because these were tasks to assign to the Jr Bd. (The same Junior Board who I have barely seen in person and who hardly respond in virtual meetings for the last 2 years with COVID). Oh, AND factor into that my unexpected broken ankle last October that kept me out of the office for a month and my unexpected kidney stone on the night of the Nov JB meeting. So, we didn't actually start true event planning until late January.
Of course, it isn't just Alison's fault. There's Rob - our self-appointed event chair - who has shrugged off every single challenge presented against doing a cook-off by swearing it would be easy...and then not doing a single damn thing until he FINALLY made a phone call to a portable restroom vendor last week (which he's been talking about for at least 3 months).
Don't even get me fucking started on our brewery vendor partner. There's a reason why Jamie and Rob are friends - neither has a concept of reality when it comes to planning events. Though he presented our being able to use the brewery as our venue being his generous support of non-profits, he REPEATEDLY said that we had to bring in a certain threshold of audience to "make it worth it for them" to let us use the space. He questioned every candid answer I gave him about what I realistically thought we could bring to the table - telling us it wasn't enough.
THEN, the brewery opened almost 6 months AFTER it was originally slated to open (and it really only opened then because they had already advertised and agreed to be the afterparty site for the Wine 5K/10K in March). The Event Director that I was instructed to work directly with for all my venue coordination barely responds to emails, has NO knowledge of critical things like the "stage" set up (their loading dock doubles at their stage). It took me 2 weeks and just happening to meet with him at the brewery where the parking plans were laid out for me to get the parking lot details I'd been begging for to plan. After just over 2 weeks (which, granted, the first week was when they were opening), I STILL haven't gotten the stage dimensions, fly weights, or other info I've requested to plan our sound/light production.
When we first started discussing a new event format, I got the most input and energy from the Jr Bd I'd gotten in a long time, and I thought we truly were in a good, engaged place to work from for the event. But, between all my incidents and the recurrence of COVID at the end of last year, I get the feeling from a lot of the Junior Board that they are as overwhelmed and exhausted as I am.
It is both everyone's fault and no one's fault that this happened. In mulling this all over CONSTANTLY all weekend, I recognize every point where I wasn't true to myself and basically gave my power to others by trying to do what they wanted me to. I know that I have a past of being bitchy so I have been working really hard to be the opposite of that - just like I know I have a tendency to develop a complete plan in the first 10 minutes of discussing an event. Those are both things where, honestly, I excel and I shut them down because of people criticizing me for it.
While I have absolutely been upset and depressed ever since making this decision (and, well, honestly since last year), I also feel a certain peace that I can stop fighting against all the forces I have been fighting against trying my damnedest to make this happen.
I guess failing and recovering is another life lesson I've learned at United Ability. I really am so thankful for these years I've had to explore my skills to try different things to confirm/discover what I'm really good at. I have no doubt that I would not have gotten the opportunity for Upward if I have not been here.
I also hope that I have made lasting improvements for United Ability that will go on or are a strong starting place going forward. However, with each day, I am 100% convinced that my time here is coming to a close. I just hope my next step comes soon before I languish in an unfulfilling challenge to the point of once again decimating my health (which is already starting to show).
Happy thoughts for a Monday!
