At the end of the day Friday, I received an email from Marylyn about the UAB job letting me know I am a finalist but also asking me to respond to 3 questions to give her a better understanding of my approach to given situations. I was actually energized by the request - these were situations I face constantly in my current position.
Of course, though, this was a BUSY weekend - laundry, cleaning, Chris' show Saturday night, prepping and scheduling all ETC social media promotion since I will not have time all week for next weekend's shows, and FINALLY typing out my well-thought-out answers to Marylyn's questions. The ETC work along took 3.5 hours or so. I didn't get to finally sit down to type my answers until after 3:00 on Sunday afternoon.
When I did finally did get started, of course it took a little time to get "in the zone" and it helped to talk through the first question with Doug. It took my 4 hours ultimately to type everything out, get Doug's input, and proofread it 3 times before sending. Ultimately, I feel very confident with my responses, and if she doesn't feel like I'm the right fit because of them, then I'm definitely NOT the right fit.
In processing her questions and putting myself mentally in the team to answer, I started thinking about my track at United Ability. It's often hard for me to see beyond the point I'm currently in. So, it wasn't until I really started thinking about years ago that I realized I used to actually be jovial and be the person that did silly things to lift the team's spirits during super busy or stressful times. I look at a lot of the cheap toys on my desk, and they are things that I bought for everyone just to make them smile. I haven't done this in a LONG time because I haven't had the lightness in my spirit to think about it.
I literally do feel like my spirit is broken and my heart is weighed down. Walking into work often feels like a fight or flight survival response trying to protect me from someone who has severely hurt me.
I don't have it in me to keep fighting - especially when I so frequently feel like I'm fighting alone.
Yesterday, during my break between ETC posts and starting my answers for Marylyn, I finished watching the first season of The Bear on FX. It's a super fast paced show about running and working in a kitchen (to SUPER over simplify the plot). The head chef and sous chef have butted their heads against the wall trying to coax the other kitchen staff to go in a new direction, but slowly everyone is coming on board and starting to excel.
But, watching through my life experiences, it felt like there was constantly the opportunity for destruction lurking on the edges. Then, it happened. One major eff up shattered everything, and (at least through my interpretation), the strength that the leaders were trying to manufacture to keep improvements afloat until they took root disintegrated. In that moment, all energy that had been diverted to taking one for the team and putting on a good face had to be instantly shifted and refocused on the disaster at hand.
I feel like that's the situation I've been in. I have been working hard to keep juggling all the projects dropped on me and also TRY to be friendly/encouraging. But the moments when I just don't have the energy to do anything but survive are when my full negativity and desperation come out. Then THAT depresses me, and it's hard to find my feet again.
I'm tired of having to give myself pep talks and doing emotional deep dives just to make it through the day at work. And then being so emotionally and energetically depleted that everything else in my life suffers. I've come SO far improving my eating and health habits in the last few months. Whatever slivers of energy I have are being focused on maintaining that for the longterm benefits. Even that's becoming harder.
I also struggle with the inevitable feelings of abandonment my UA team - and even my Dad - are going to direct at me whenever I finally leave. Even though I have tried to be open about my struggles with my workload, it doesn't seem to have landed since my requests for help have gone unanswered. Of course, I keep blaming myself for not being able to cut it, but I honestly don't know how anyone could do better.
