I am an impatient person.
I like checklists. I like schedules. I like to know when and how something is happening so I can prepare.
SO, waiting to find out about a job is pretty damned excruciating!
To lessen the pain, I had pretty much convinced myself that I wasn't actually a good fit for the UAB position. They found someone so much better that they were more interested in. Etc.
Just in case my email I sent after my phone interview ended up in the Junk Folder, I sent an email just before Memorial Day replying to my previous email and thanking her for bringing up Trello in the interview. I told her I'm trying to implement it with my team since responsibilities are changing a bit with my new supervisor. With continued silence, I gave up.
Last Thursday, once again fed up with my position, I was looking at other job postings to see if there were other options. I found a data job at Kemper that would also be almost an exact fit for my skills, but I have no idea what the pay would be. I emailed the job to myself so I'd have the link to apply over the weekend. Just before I left the office, I realized I never saw the email come through so I checked my Spam folder. Not only was that email there, BUT SO WAS A REPLY FROM MARYLYN FROM MONDAY!
I feel like there is some sort of cosmic sign - or joke - that I found her response when looking for another job. When I got home, I replied to Marylyn's email to let her know uab.edu emails were going to Spam with my Yahoo Mail (including Doug's who has been emailing me for 10+ years).
In her response, she asked if I was still interested in the position because she would like to have their admin contact me to schedule meeting(s) with their interview committees. I, of course, responded I am still interested and look forward to meeting with everyone. Just to cover myself, I also called the next afternoon to leave a message letting her know I'd replied just in case email is conspiring against us.
Now, I continue waiting and also wondering if I should go ahead and apply at Kemper...
Back at United Ability, I continue to get signs/signals/reminders that this position isn't right for me.
Two weeks ago, at Charlotte's invitation, the entire Dev Team attended an AFP luncheon about storytelling and fundraising. As these women talked about sharing stories but avoiding a voyeur quality and understanding your donor, I just felt flat and almost repulsed. I am so tired of assessing every person or business as a dollar sign. Especially when I'm feeling the additional fundraising pressure of event sponsorships, but I am exhausted from making mental (or physical) notes about potential asks.
This past weekend was Euphonious - a local music festival that has chosen to partner with United Ability to raise awareness, help us build relationships, and directs some funds. Watching David make connections and hearing how Charlotte spoke to the Tito's rep, Board Members, and others all weekend to walk away with sponsorships and silent auction items just astounds me. Even being at the event is my nightmare - crowds, socializing, etc... much less the whole "relationship building" thing.
In Tuesday's team meeting, David was talking about how there was such little staff interest in attending the event and how staff seem not to really be connected to our mission. I offered that extending your work outside business hours would need to be a culture for the organization, but it also reminded me of how Red Cross work was considered a lifestyle because it absorbed all parts of your life.
I know it is partially because that is how fundraising works and partially just their personalities, but David and Charlotte seem to never be off work. And, THAT is not how I want to function.
I spent so much of my life trying to figure out what I am good at and what my career path is - and experimenting with that - that I don't know I've really sat down and outlined what I do/do not want in a job:
- Data focused - making data consistent and easily accessible, figuring out what information and reports will help make work more efficient and effective
- NOT relationship based - sure, I'll need to get along with co-workers and clients (depending on the position) but I don't want to feel like I'm expected to deeply connect and maintain interactions on a personal level. I don't want to keep track of your recent major milestones, etc.
- No more events - I have never actually liked putting together events. Sure, I'm good at it and I prefer to have a purpose at social gatherings, but I am at an age where I would like to be able to relax at an event and even to be able to choose what I wear based on style rather than on how much work I can comfortably do.
- I want to develop skills that interest me - I would love to learn some programming languages. I would be interested in focusing on systems to achieve project goals. As much as I do enjoy having the creative outlet I've developed through basic design skills, I know that isn't the longterm direction for my career so I've sort of hit my limit on it.
- More settled - At Red Cross, we were so directed by disaster that it never felt like we could catch our breath or make a plan. At United Ability, Alison changed how we did campaigns and events every year so we never got a rhythm. Now, I feel like I'm sort of starting over in a lot of ways between a new CEO, new supervisor, rebuilding the Junior Board. Honestly, I am worn out and worn down - I don't know that I have it in me to put a structure back in place.
One of the things that I learned in Upward was my stress responses when parts of my life are in conflict with my personality or my comfort zone. I have REALLY noticed - since maybe even March - that I seem to be constantly in "wounded animal mode" again. I was in that place when I was in Upward but I couldn't figure out why. Through what I learned, I recognized where perceived expectations were butting up against how I saw myself or wanted to operate. I worked really hard to retrain my neural pathways to respond differently.
Seeing this regression in the last few months makes me sad and (honestly) scares me a bit. I'm afraid I will always default to lashing out and sounding angry when I feel like I am operating from a hurt state.
As much as I feel like the UAB job is the right direction, I am also TERRIFIED! What if isn't right for me? What if I don't actually have the skills they need? What if I only think that path is a better fit for me then I look back and realize my position at United Ability actually was a better situation for me than I realized? I think all of those thoughts/concerns/anxiety are standard for anyone changing job and/or employers. I'm just trying to balance that against the confident version I need to put forward to even have a chance of being seriously considered for the job.
So, I feel stuck. Stuck in a job that I know I'm wrong for and don't even want to keep pushing myself to try to fit into anymore. But also stuck by not having a clear answer for getting out - to not only benefit myself but also United Ability's work.
On top of that, I don't feel like I really have anyone to talk to about it. I would have felt most comfortable confiding in Daphne since she knows the UAB team operations better and could calm my fears or instill confidence of my abilities. Doug just either keeps telling me that I absolutely have the job or telling me what I need to do to fix my current situation (he means well but it's not what I need). I can't tell anyone at work because I don't want to shoot myself in the foot or scare them without a clear exit plan. I don't want to give an inkling to my family since Dad is so connected to UA and would absolutely let the cat out of the bad. Allison definitely doesn't understand, Sherri seems to be focused on her own stuff still and have barely contacted me since she moved, Carisa really doesn't know enough about this part of my life to give feedback. Looks like I need to set up a heart to heart with my HR coach extraordinaire Lori.
