Man, the life revelations just keep coming! The interesting thing is how some of the biggest ones come in the most subtle ways.
Last week - seemingly out of the blue - I connected a lot of dots around my perfectionism. Dad's comment YEARS ago (best I can estimate - 1st or 2nd Grade) when I came home with a 100 on a spelling test I'd not studied for because I had forgotten about was, "Well, you still need to study. It won't always be easy for you to do so well" (or something to that effect, anyway). I've never understood why I remember that so vividly or why it has always been in my head. Suddenly, I realized that it - I guess subconsciously - has driven me that great is never enough. I am always going above and beyond because what is already more than everyone else isn't good enough.
I also realized that I push myself - to the point of destruction (i.e., my recent burnout) to excel and master things that I am not good at and that I don't even want to be good at. All of the fundraising relationship building pieces of my current job are in such direct opposition to my energizing strengths. Sure, it is good to experiment with potential interests - and I am SO thankful I've been able to do that in this organization, but I also haven't given myself permission to NOT do it all perfectly and not to even not try to do it in the first place. I recently connected the "I need to be good at everything" back to being thrust into piano lessons for YEARS. I never wanted to play the piano and it definitely is not something that came to me even with a lot of work. I've always felt guilty and wrong for not being able to do it. I am trying to remind myself (on multiple issues) that EVERYTHING cannot be a strength and something I master. I need to focus more on what I do well and work more on cooperating with others that fill in where I am weak.
Of course, when you are now in a position and working with people who expect actions from you because you've done them in the past (even though you hated it and now really want to remove it from your repertoire), it's hard to redivert your energy in the way that is best for you.
Oh! That's another realization I had. I was trying to revisit some of the times I've blown up over situations where someone has done something that I perceive - or that has been proven - not to be the best way to do it. For example - the JOH sponsor mailing that Alison started designing and planning all on her own (but now isn't here to carry out) then Carla picked up (but is on vacation for a week and a half when Charlotte is trying to send it). I got (as usual) easily frustrated at the lack of communication and coordination. I think that the majority of the time, I get whipped up when shit goes wrong BECAUSE I END UP BEING THE ONE TO FIX IT.
Now, I probably became the default one to fix it because I always volunteered because (1) I have a problem solving brain so do often have a more successful solution than others I work with and (2) see above for "great is never good enough" and "I have to be adept at EVERYTHING." So, is this once again a prison of my own making, yep probably.
Monday morning, we finally got the art for a mailing envelope that was reformatted by who-knows-who several months ago and ordered for print by who-knows-who. I got in a tizzy because (1) how the hell is there no institutional knowledge or resource to track such info and (2) I thought it was stupid to put our website under the return address. David pointed out that it's under the return address on all our envelopes and has been. I realized - why do I care so much and why am I getting so upset if no one else cares? I get more worked up than other people about a lot of stuff a lot of the time when it actually doesn't affect me at all - EXCEPT for the energy I am expending on it.
So, back to extracting myself from a job situation where I have set these expectations for myself and my performance that I no longer wish to do/be associated with. I have tried to remind myself that any hiring takes time (especially at UAB) and that their timetable is not the same as mine. I am trying to hard to trust the process and recognize there is a higher authority running the plan that I may not be able to see yet.
But it is also creeping in more and more where this may be a repeat of the Tire Pros/Sloss Realty debacle. I am a big believer that sometimes life works like a story - elements come together in a specific way to lead to a turn in the story. I still don't understand why the possibility of the opportunity to be Catherine Sloss' assistant crossed my path if it wasn't going to bear out. But, it did and the revocation of that potential promise to improve my life destroyed me in the longrun. I am SO, SO afraid that although I recognize my unhealthy behaviors and attitudes last time that lead me down such a dark path and I am trying hard not to repeat them, that I am progressing that way anyway.
I kept getting minor, every day requests that someone who loved this position and thrived at it would not only not bat an eye at but would probably jump at. Since it is often in direct opposition (i.e., socializing, work outside of work, etc) to my personal goals and interests, it just adds one more point for why I want to leave. BUT, the most promising option - the one that has the seemingly "this can't fail" lead up to it (the UAB job) is silent. So of course, I go into desperation mode and wonder if there is anything else out there, but then I fear that I'll get into something else right as UAB finally comes through - and then have I royally effed myself?
I'm trying to stay the course, I'm trying to improve myself for what's next, I'm trying to benefit UA in the best possible way I can no matter what. But, I'm also in a holding pattern without any idea what may be next. I don't like it.
