Something happened yesterday that is THE most perfect real life illustration of a more ephemeral experience, and I don't think I could have WRITTEN it better!
When I came in, there was a gift on my desk (apparently from our CEO Susan as a late bday present) that had a candle in it. My next door office neighbor (a different Susan) was burning a candle when I came in that morning. After lunch, my office smelled STRONGLY of roasted cauliflower so I have the brilliant idea to light my new candle (which smoked more than I expected when I lit it and blew it out). Well, unbeknownst to me, my neighbor Susan called maintenance about a burning smell.
Did I own up to lighting a match, lighting a candle, and causing the burning smell? No! Do I know why not? No!
However, the irony of hiding burning (or in the greater scheme of my recent life - burnout) because of not having the energy to deal with it, being afraid of how others would react, etc. was not lost on me.
I think part of the familiarity of being unhappy in my employment situation, feeling like a general failure, lack of direction or spur to do anything is the fact that I am 100% burnout. It has now happened to this extreme point at least twice before that I recognize the pattern (too late unfortunately). For example, I only realized this week (as I've started the slow process of coming out of burnout) that I've started "trying" when I get dressed in the morning. For the last month or so, I put on "whatever" and didn't even put on my everyday rings because I just couldn't deal with it.
One of the few good-ish things about burnout is that I am in a weakened state where some of my usual emotional defenses are lowered and where I am so desperate to improve my situation that I start doing some deep dives into my background. This (and some recent TV shows) have brought some interesting things to light.
1) Lance's teenage pregnancy journey - On Young Sheldon last week, the oldest son (who is 17) found out he'd gotten his girlfriend pregnant. I was honestly surprised by the feelings it brought up - one of which was the way-too-late revelation that I've always been focused about how Lance getting Vicki pregnant affected my life and Mom and Dad, but I've never stepped back and considered how HE felt. The fear, shock, concern, excitement - I don't know - that he felt when HE found out he was going to be a dad at 15. I have spent so much of my life until now feeling hurt BY him (for a number of reasons) that I've never flipped around to stand in his shoes to consider his pain.
2) Mom's Miscarriage - On Call the Midwife, one of the newly-married main characters found herself having a miscarriage early in her pregnancy, but the pain (emotional and physical) it detailed in her portrayal finally made me realize what Mom actually went through when she lost a baby between Lance and me.
Maybe because our family never really talked about feelings or maybe because she didn't want to take herself back to that experience, but I've only really heard bits and pieces of the story - all of which were not told with a lot of emotion so I just sort of thought, "well, no big deal." Except that it really had to be! I don't know how far along she was, but I think she was already able to feel it move. She had to have the miscarriage medically induced because there was suddenly no heartbeat - it didn't start on its own. I'm sure Dad wasn't as supportive then as I think he might be now, AND they had a small child at home to take care of while going through this. I literally can't imagine.
3) Struggles with feeling devalued and defaulting to negativity - Something that I often don't like about myself - and that has been one of the few recurring areas for improvement on annual performance reviews is my negative attitude. Over the last few years, I've REALLY worked hard on getting a handle on my reactions much more than I used to. As we've been having operational conversations with my new boss since she started last week, I have honestly been shocked at how quickly I've fallen back into my constantly critical/negative behaviors, and yesterday I had a verbal blow-up when I found out that the sponsorship materials for an upcoming event (which my previous boss has worked on right as she was leaving) got completely messed up in the order - which I am not sure where the blame lies on that situation.
Even as these words - and more importantly, TONE - some out of my mouth, my brain recognizes that it isn't how I want it to be, but I can't seem to manage to control myself to NOT do it. I realize (as this is a recurrent reaction) that part of my response harkens back to my childhood when I saw the major red flags of issues that needed to be fixed or that I desperately wanted help with that I didn't feel like I could get recognition for from my family. I realized that as soon as Alison was gone and I have a "fresh" audience, I started airing my grievances - and at some times, I'm not even sure to what end.
I'm also sure that some of this is my (also traditional) "operating from the wound instead of from the healing." With the complete physical and emotional burnout I've been experiencing, my mindfulness is at an all time low. Stuff comes out before I realize it. And what really "gets me" is that this is part of my first impression with Charlotte, and it is part of my worst foot forward.
HOWEVER (speaking of Charlotte), many of my onboarding activities with her have been to review our database set up, pull reports, and point out items she needs to know about on the shared drive. More than once, she has commented on how impressed she is with the customizations I've made in the database, my knowledge to be able to pull detailed/multi-layered reports quickly, and the detailed, easy-to-use SOP guide I wrote for data entry into Bloomerang.
Since so many fundraising and volunteer management responsibilities have become my majority focus over the years, I feel like I barely get to really touch data and systems. Having those conversations with her is the most excited I have been with/about my job in a while. It reminded me of how much my passion and interest really does lie in data, system, documentation, etc.
I'm (of course) cautiously holding out hope for the UAB Advancement job. I was able to cross paths with Marylyn at Daphne's memorial (which was SO beautifully done, BTW) and introduce myself. She seemed genuinely happy to make the connection, and she apologized for not being in touch again as quickly as she has hoped.
I'm still waiting - very concerned that there have been better candidates with more direct project management experience that have knocked me down on the list. I also realize that I have been starting that "well, maybe I won't be here for that so I don't want to worry with it" mentality - which I CANNOT fall into.
I keep trying to remind (convince?) myself that everything happens in its own time and own way, and that there is a plan so much larger than I know. I DO NOT want to leave UA in a bad place by leaving too soon (and it has become abundantly clear that I am the knowledge repository of our team now since I've been here the longest). So, maybe that's why things are moving slowly. Maybe it's because the improvements and opportunities I've been fighting for with this position for years may finally come together with new leadership.
In the meantime, I'm trying to work even harder on making myself a better person - closer to who and how I want to be - indeterminate of my employment. That should make me a better employee, wife, friend, and family member.
