"In recovery" has a few connotations: sweeping lifestyle changes to overcome an addiction and the observation area when coming out of anesthesia from a procedure. Honestly, both feel a little true right now.
I don't think it is a coincidence that my body and my health have conspired to grab my attention around the same time that I work world kinda started crumbling. I can't give my energy equally to everything when one thing (ie, work) required 80% of what I have.
Since I went to the GI about 2 weeks ago, I found out that my kidney issues (undoubtedly partly due to the fact that I have eaten so much fast food and prepackaged crap because I don't have the energy to plan, prep, and cook real food for years) have now crossed the line to the very early states of Stage 3 kidney disease. At this rate, I'll be starting on the list for dialysis/replacement in my 70s. I also found out (thanks to a CT scan before starting my new Crohn's meds) that I have a symptomless hernia along my repeated belly incision line and that my IVC filter legs have perforated the vein wall (which hopefully will NOT require a procedure to remove).
I think the biggest tell of the toll trying to force myself to fit in a position that I am not made for is that my back finally locked me down. My neck has been killing me - a constant crick that makes moving my head incredibly painful - since around the time that I realized the PhilanthroPIG event was a failure. My right hip and knee has also made walking, standing, etc incredibly difficult and painful, too. With my kidney issues, I can't take NSAIDS so I basically live with the pain or - when I just can't take it anymore - have to take an opioid.
So, I am now in that recovery zone where I have to put myself and my health as a priority over work - which is stressful more because of the time I have to take outside of work to get myself back right. I started with a new chiropractor yesterday, and the list of all the problems with my spine is EXTENSIVE (and not super surprising considering all I've been through since Dr. Mitchell passed). Today I woke up for the first time in weeks without my neck having overwhelming pain - hoping the hip will follow suit.
I'm drinking SO much more water and beginning the process of adjusting my diet to reduce salt, sugar, fast/processed foods, etc. I'm hopeful that I can start feeling well enough and strong enough to start functioning on the weekends again to get the house (and my world) back in order instead of requiring full crash recovery days on the weekends.
I'm trying to get the Junior Board and my other UA responsibilities back on track, too, but as hard as I try, my heart is not in it. I just feel so crushed, exhausted, and burnout that doing anything takes 4 times as much effort as it once did.
I have my prelim phone interview for the UAB position tomorrow morning. I pray constantly that this is the salvation (I am not using that word lightly) that I need and that we hit it off. If it doesn't pan out, I honestly don't know that I'll be able to take it.
Since projects have begun to pick back up since COVID, it has becoming increasingly clear that I am SO not the right fit for this position. I constantly feel like I'm holding the organization back by not being that outgoing relationship builder that most fundraisers are. I mean, even for the events I've planned, I check the boxes but I don't completely think through the attendees' experience. That's not my forte. Building relationships with the Junior Board members to make them feel more connected (and hopefully translate to more action) is overwhelming to me.
My hope, though, that I'm on the right path with the UAB job is that I truly feel like God (or the Universe) is guiding me on THIS path. I found out Tuesday - when I emailed Daphne that I got a phone interview for the UAB job since she'd been coaching me, I found out she had unexpectedly passed away after a procedure only 5 days before. I was not only agog that she's gone when I just had lunch and had been in touch with her a few weeks before, but I (perhaps selfishly) couldn't believe that God had brought us together and given her enough time on this earth to help set me on a promising course for this position.
I've been trying to remember how/when Daphne and I crossed paths. I think it was when I was still at the Regional level at Red Cross and maybe Linda Baker connected me to her to work on stewardship/donor relations mentoring. Daphne always radiated joy, hope, and love - even when she was confiding in me the stress she was feeling at BSC when we met last month. Even though we weren't in frequent contact, she always made me feel like we were the closest of friends when we got together. No wonder she was so good at her job! I was truly looking forward to sharing lunch with her more frequently because - after our last lunch - I realized how much I really did enjoy being around her. I'm glad I at least got to have the last connections we did have before she was gone.
Her passing, though, is yet another red flag reminder that I need to prioritize myself and my health more. She was an incredible survivor who had survived a heart valve replacement and who had diabetes. On FB and at our last lunch, we commiserated about what a challenge it is to have chronic health issues during the pandemic and while dealing with work.
I have always played down or discounted my health challenges because I don't want them to be an excuse for me not being perfect, I don't want them to hold me back, and I don't want people to pre-suppose that my issues WILL hold me back. It is absolutely a fear of perceived weakness (or, in some cases, actual weakness). Vulnerability has always been an issue for me since I was teased at home and at school for not being "enough" in various ways (or for being "too much" in others). I definitely overpush myself too often to fulfill expectations even when it is for something I can't really do.
I truly am beyond grateful for my time at United Ability. I have had opportunities to explore skill sets like I know I would not have been able to anywhere else. But it also has helped me to solidify who I am - it is time to truly honor and hone that for the first time in my life.
