It's my penultimate day at United Ability (well, in reality it's kinda my last day since I'm only working tomorrow morning before my goodbye lunch).
As I've been trying to prepare instructional documents and videos to guide staff on the database and my other responsibilities in my absence and started clearing out my office, I've really begun to realize how overwhelmed I've been and for how long. I was so behind that I don't know how I could ever dig out, and I don't know how my workload would have ever been actually lightened - everyone was SO accustomed to coming to me for so much.
At the same time, I've also realized how much I really do love this place - and especially how much I have loved the people I work with. This is NOT a sentiment I've had at ANY previous employer.
Feeling a true emotional connection to the organization and my co-workers makes leaving really hard. I feel like I'm abandoning them and that I'm leaving them to pick up the overwhelm I've been suffering from.
I know processes will suffer, but I also hope that many things improve when someone else realizes that things need to work better (and may have better ideas on how to make that happen than I did).
I'm also terrified of my new job. I'm incredibly excited and feel like this is a true turning point in my life and career, but I definitely have that voice of doubt yelling in my ear.
Thinking over almost all my past jobs, I've always felt like I lucked into the job or really got it because of my connections. While I completely believe that my connections got me on the radar for the UAB job, this is the first time that I truly feel like I EARNED the hire. My skills, my perspective, and my appreciation for the organization helped me legitimately beat out the competition.
I keep wanting to kind of reinvent myself - or at least how I present myself. I have dressed down (partly because I've felt beaten down) for so long that I want to embrace my professional maturity in how I present myself. I also recognize my propensity to want to cut ties with the past whenever I have a new start - and clothing is an easier way for that. I'm also trying to not waste money and make sure I'm choosing the RIGHT fashion for my new environment so I've held off on actual purchases.
I realized last night, though, that I'm starting to feel grown up for the first time. I don't feel like I'm clinging to (or need to cling to) my college identity. I guess that was such a major turning point time in my life that I've been mentally "stuck" there in a lot of ways, but I *feel* like this is a start for a new chapter and the next step for my "self."
Of course, these may not last and this may just be the glorifying of the unknown before reality sets in, but this really has been a completely different experience than I've ever had leaving a job and my anticipation of the new one. THAT, at least, deserves to be recognized and honored.
