I feel like a burden has been lifted.
Yesterday, I saw that George's Boxcar Cafe at Railroad Park was going to be open late because some musicians were playing a live show. Doug has been talking about how he really wanted some of their Greek hot dogs lately, so I thought this would be a good chance without the weekend insanity of the park. I wasn't sure if he would be up for it since it was a weeknight, and we are both quite worn out after a day at work.
My intention was to run down there, eat some hot dogs, and go home. When I went over to his house to hang out for a bit before we headed to the park, Laura K brought up that we should take Horatio with us. While I love the little guy, I was afraid that it would turn the whole thing to more of a pain in the butt than I had intended, but I left it up to Doug to decide. He said it was a good idea so we headed down to Railroad Park about 7:00pm with H, a water bowl, a bottle of water, some treats, and us.
The weather was perfect! It was just beginning to get dark, little wind, and wonderfully mild. Horatio was, of course, excited to be exploring a new place so we walked him around a little. While Doug was undoubtedly a little under the influence, everything about him seemed relaxed to be in the environment. He said several times how great he felt, and he was so happy to watch H run around and play.
We ate dinner, and the food did not disappoint. I treated him since he always buys our dinner, and I wanted to do this for him since he had been having a craving. The music was actually good and provided a perfect backdrop for the evening.
Before going home, we took a short walk through part of the park so the Horatio could a explore a little more since he was enjoying himself so much. (It really was adorable.) Almost before I even realized it (maybe because I was moved by the beauty of the evening), I told Doug that something had been on my heart and in my head, and I just needed to get it out. I told him that we had been talking about moving in together, and I wanted him to know my reasons. It isn't because of my frustrations at times with his roommates or because of finances - I just don't like being separated at the end of the night all the time. I love Sunday mornings when it's just us, and we are going through our routine. I told him that I know we've talked about me moving in when/if he takes over his parents' house in a few years, but I didn't want to wait that long. Of course I would if I have to, but it will be hard.
As I rather expected, he was a little quiet and contemplative. He said that he understood where I was coming from. He's concerned about us being able to have the time to ourselves that we need sometimes if we live together, but admitted that we could make that work. I told him that I didn't bring it up expecting him to make a decision on the spot or to add any stress to his already crazy list of responsibilities. I just wanted to let him know how I feel and open it for consideration in whatever way it works out. He confirmed what I had been assuming that it isn't high on his list of priorities right now because he has so many things going on. He did say that he could see how it is and would be higher on my list right now.
So, while we didn't make giant leaps on the subject or have any definite decisions made, it feels good to get my feelings out in the open. I don't get the feeling that I took anything away from the earlier peace and enjoyment of the evening, either - which I was really afraid of by bringing it up.
On my way home, I felt peaceful. I felt like a lot of things I had been struggling with and stressing over were suddenly clear. Doug is not ready to move. It has nothing to do with living with me or not - it is the act of uprooting so much of his life when so little is settled. I do get that. And as much as I have been talking about moving because of my loud downstairs neighbor, the quality of the property since the landlord has neglected it, and safety worries after the break-in, I really don't want to go through the upheaval, either. I can't seem to get myself to enough of a level of discomfort down in my heart to get me to really move towards boxing everything up and going through with a relocation.
What I really want is for things to change. I want to have time to take better care of the state of my apartment instead of crazily organizing/cleaning in a few hours on Sunday. I want to start walking on the treadmill or around the block after work everyday then shower. The problem is that doing those would cut in to my available time with Doug - which I already feel is so short. At the time, I am the only one keeping myself from creating more free time for myself to accomplish these needs. Instead of taking the huge jump of moving, I need to work out with Doug (or really, first of all, with myself) to take time off from one another. Work out eating schedules and food plans so that we are not always eating junk food.
I realized that the only reason I have been pushing and stressing so much about the break-in is not because I'm trying to get a payment to deal with what happened, I'm trying to take the "I don't have money to move" excuse away from myself. Last night, I realized that if I can make myself be ok with where I live until things naturally fall into place for us to move in together, then I could let go of that weight. When I did, I swear I slept better last night.
So, after being open about my feelings instead of hiding them like some sort of secret, I feel better. I feel like I can move past and let go of some of the stress I was putting on myself. Instead, I'm going to actually let go.
