Last night, while we were watching TV at Doug's house, he got an email offering the part of Boo Radley in To Kill a Mockingbird at VST in the fall. While I am immensely proud of him and realize that this is some serious credibility in the theatre community, I just couldn't seem to be happy about it.
Doug - like me - has a tendency to take on too much. He had been overwhelmed for a while with daytime workload, Samford classes, ETC board, TDT board, and ETC performances/rehearsals. So, my first thought is, "Oh, no! Another thing!"
It is partly selfish. I feel like we are so pressed to get to spend time together as it is - especially since we are living in our separate places. I feel like this would not only take up more of our time together but also make more of time a stressed time that he doesn't relax from easily.
It partly, though, is also out of concern for him. I see how rundown and frustrated he is so much of the time. I see how he isn't able to give the energy and attention to projects like he wants to and so doesn't get the outcomes he wants. I can't help but think of my dad - how he would make out lives miserable at home by complaining about all the responsibilities he had taken on but not taking the step to turn any offers/request down to improve the situation. I'll wee how Doug deals with this, and it will let me know what to expect down the road.
I am also unhappy and stressed about the living together situation. I keep trying to let it be his decision. I lightly touch on it if the conversation is already heading in that direction just to test the waters, but it still seems like it's not really on his radar (how can it be with so many other things already there?). I want him to find it as a solution for himself. I don't want to be inflicting something on him or pressuring him to do something. I also don't want to add one more responsibility or stresser on him. We get so little time together - and even less time actually alone - that I find myself not wanting to "mar" it by having the straightforward talk I really want to have.
At the same time, we are still building the foundation of our relationship. Intentionally or unintentionally, we are setting the precedents for how we will act together for the rest of our lives. I want to address issues head-on and not let them fester. I want us to be open and honest. I want our relationship to be the safest place either of us knows. I also have a major part in making it that way, though.
So, initially when I brought up living together, it was to save money. I figured that being able to split rent and utilities would help free up more money for me to pay credit cards, car payments, etc. It had since moved so far beyond that reasoning, though, that I don't even think about the financial aspects like that. I want to be with him. I want to wake up and go to sleep with him everyday. I don't want one of us to have to make the sleepy drive back home at the end of the night to sleep alone. I don't want either of us to have to keep making the decision - to I go see you or do I stay home and get stuff done? I want him to live somewhere that someone appreciates him, somewhere that he is comfortable no matter what, and somewhere that he can feel is actually his space.
If we lived together, we would cook so much more instead of eating out - which would help both of our waistlines as well as our wallets. There are so many nights (like last night) that I could have easily whipped us up something to eat instead of ordering pizza, but there were too many obstacles to do so: their fire hazard of an unreliable stove, their kitchen and food supply that I don't know, needing to be at his place instead of mine to watch TV since I don't have cable. These are small things, but they add up and greatly affect our lives. I WANT to help him and take care of him. It would make me happy. I think the entire change in surroundings would also cut his stress level SIGNIFICANTLY.
I've been trying to pray the moving in situation into God's hands since I know He has a plan so much better than mine. I still pray that He opens the opportunities of a place to live, the finances to move, the opportunity to discuss, Doug's openness, and my courage to be completely honest. As with most things in my life, I AM taking control back. It's hard for me not to when I want it so badly. I just pray that I am still working in God's plan and that it will all come together before I break down.
