Sometimes cycles just suck.
I don't know what it is about this time each year, but I seem to just feel "down". When my Crohn's was more active, I think I always had a major flare this time of year - it is also when I was originally diagnosed.
Yes, it's near by birthday, but I don't think that directly has an effect on how I feel. I do feel "stuck," though. All of my plans to try to move forward in some way seem to be stopped dead in their tracks - which makes me frustrated, depressed and helpless. I realize that this is not just this year and not because of anything specific that is (or isn't) happening. I just seems to come back around every year.
It doesn't make it any easier to feel this way, though. I feel defeated all the time which make me feel physically and mentally heavy. I can't make or will myself to do anything. I just want to curl up in a ball under a blanket and not move until the whole world has changed.
Sure, there are several specific things that are frustrating me - I keep making NO progress on my database project at work (whenever I get the time, I don't have the will); I'm tired of having to go to Doug's or have him come to mine to see other but he doesn't seem any closer to moving in together; I can't get any feedback or traction on the projects that I'm trying to develop at the Crisis Center and are really passionate about; and my insurance claim (which I'm relying on to give me funds to move out of the hell hole that my apartment has become) is stagnant because I keep getting jerked around by the police.
I feel like I keep busting my ass and doing my part, but no one else is. Then, when I hear other people venting or complaining about what's going on in their life (especially Doug's roommate), I just get angry and want to yell, "I have shit, too, you know!" I don't though, because I know it will just make everything even worse.
Maybe I just need my usual alone time that I end up taking to try to force myself out of this. I wallow for a while then the darkness just sort of lifts. Hopefully it will happen again.
No wonder patience is a virtue...that I do not possess.
