The difference between "supposed to be" and "is" - in my life experience - is drastic.
Lance and Kate were in town earlier this week for some of his work meetings. We got together both nights they were here - dinner one night and karaoke the next.
Of course, my relationship with my brother has been strained (though I think he is still unaware of how strained it is) for years. I used to be upset about the fact that our sibling connection wasn't what it was "supposed to be." I don't even necessarily know what that is - something between TV ideal and what we have, I guess. Still, I feel like there is some connection that we should share that we don't - mostly because of the selfish asshole that he continues to prove himself to be.
When I met them for dinner, I felt like I was meeting up with someone I knew in college or at anothe job that I just feel obligated to touch base with while in town. In fact, I would compare it to having dinner with my old boss Tony (not just because they reminded me so much of each other). Even though I have somewhat let go of my expectations for us or disappointment in how things are, it is still a little uncomfortable when if hits me like it did this week.
Doug, however, is the flip side of "supposed to be" in my life. I truly did win the lottery by having him in my life!
Yesterday, I called him after work because I was at the grocery store and was offering to pick up treats for Horatio for his birthday today in case Doug had not gotten a chance yet. I figured that he may have still been busy at work since he's been staying late recently, but I didn't want to leave only to have him respond later that he did need something. When he answered, he didn't have his usual happy tone and did sound a little "put out". I knew, though, that it wasn't directed at me and that since he was working on a last minute project at work that he told me about that the was just in that head space. Still, though, since I am mentally preparing for what it will be like when we live together, I started wondering what it will be like when one of us comes home and speaks to the other like that. Will be still understand? Will we just let it go? Will it turn in to a stupid fight? I know I'm over thinking it, but I've been programmed in my life that the worst is going to happen when emotions are involved so I want to have a plan, if I can.
About 20 minutes after I got off the phone with him, Doug texted me to apologize for being short with me on the phone and assuring me that he was just stressed by the project, being obligated to do something later with his teaching job, and that he loves me. I once again knew that we are perfect for each other. He recognized and admitted that he had acted in a way that he didn't want to towards me - and addressed it immediately. It is SO refreshing! It just makes me love him even more.
He called me later - when his class activity had to be cancelled and he was heading home - to fill me in on his day and to ask me about mine since I had told him I was planning on crashing out on my own for the night anyway. Not that I have a reason to question our relationship, but any time that I'm afraid that something could be the beginning of us going off the rails, we - instead - instantly work it out.
If we can maintain this for the rest of our lives, I'll feel like any sadness or other damage in my life has been worth it.
