This weekend...
Friday night was awesome - Doug had gotten a gift card for Satterfield's for his birthday back in November so we had decided to use it to celebrate my birthday. Doug got a reservation to sit at the chef's counter so we could watch them cook as well as enjoy the food we ate.
I totally geeked out! I practically memorized the menu so that I could look at what elements they were grabbing or prepping to figure out which dish was going to be made. The food was FANTASTIC! It was definitely fresh, and we were both about to pop when we left.
Since I went on call for Rape Response at 5am and Emily is again crashing on the Chez K couch, Doug stayed at my house that night after dinner. It was nice to wake up without the roommates in the house, but since it is a rarer occasion for us to stay at my place, it's a little awkward, too.
I had decided not to get up and join the Girls at the Mountain Brook art show, but I had agreed to meet them for lunch at 11am. So, I dropped Doug off at his house. When we got there, we saw that EVERYONE was home (including Ems) so he said he was going to hit the liquor store.
I spent the rest of the day working on my art project for an auction at one of the special events at work, took a nap on the couch, and then went to Paint The Town Red about 9pm. I wandered around a bit when I got there just to check out the event and see how it worked in the new location. I ran into several people I know - including Sam Kent. He said he'd gone over to hang out with Doug - who had obviously been drinking all day. It's not like I was surprised.
Since it was close to my shift, I went to the cash room to get trained on what we doing and trade out with the previous shift. I text Doug when I got there that I had run into Sam, and he asked how the event was so far.
About an hour and a half later, Laura K texted me to ask if Doug was with me. I told her I was working, and she said that he had left without saying a word. She was worried because he had been shit faced to the point he had trouble walking earlier. I did have a moment of panic as my heart jumped, but then my reason took over. She's texted me like this a few times before and had drawn me into her panic. Not only was I not going to do it this time because I knew better, but I was also having to count money for the event so I needed to focus.
I immediately called him to see where he was. He answered calmly - and not drunk - and explained that he had gone over to a friend's house. Because I knew I was going to be done late and then wake up Ems on the couch if I went to see him, I had just said that we wouldn't see each other that night. While I was on the phone with him though, I told him that I was wide awake so I'd be happy to see him afterwards and to go to my place. Not only would I get to see him, I'd be able to see if he was drunk or not, I would know he was safe, and he wouldn't have to deal with the drama of the house until later. I texted Laura K to let her know that I had talked to him, that he was fine, and that he was going to meet me after I was finished to stay with me.
She was understandably frustrated and very "I'm not bailing him out if he does something stupid." It occurred to me that she and I have completely different points of reference for him. I came into his life after he had changed his drinking habits and started making more responsible decisions. She HAD had to bail him out or rescue him from stupid things he had done over the 8 years they have known each other. So, she immediately thinks of all of those experiences and doesn't take into account the changes he's made. I operate out of the experiences I have had with him, instead.
At the same time, when I got home expecting to see his car already at my house and it wasn't, my heart dropped into my stomach. I called him. When he didn't answer the first time, I immediately dialed him again. I heard him say he couldn't hear me yet, to hold on, and I heard something else in the background. I admit that my first thought was, "Oh God, I hope that's not the cops." It wasn't. He had stopped by the supermarket on the way over from his friend's house to pick up something for us to have for breakfast.
When he got there, I filled him in on the messages from Laura K and that they had been worried about him. I confirmed my suspicions - he had been drinking heavily, had taken a nap to sleep it off, and had not seen either roommate for a significant amount of time before he left for them to see that he was way less drunk than he had been. He once again admitted that he would absolutely not drive if he even remotely felt under the influence. Unlike Laura K's tactic of berating him, I took the approach to tell him what I expected and let him know that it is his responsibility to do the right thing. I am putting my trust in him to make good decisions, but I still stay aware that there may come a day when something happens and I have to leave.
We stayed up for another couple of hours after we got to my place and ended up having some good talks. He started drinking some beer he bought as soon as he got there, so with the alcohol that was still lurking in his system from earlier, he got rather drunk quickly - which usually means he will talk more and talk more emotionally. I don't completely remember how we got around to it, but he brought up his relationship with Amy. He said that he had thought that they were what was supposed to happen - it was his destiny to be with her and so it would just all work out. He kept promising that he was going to be someone, but he felt like he had not followed through on it which was part of the reason they had ended. That was also why he was so devastated after she left him - he felt like his entire expectations for his life had been ripped from beneath him and he realized he had to figure out who he was and who he was going to be.
I know that he has intentionally worked a lot - and continues to work - to be the person he is and wants to be. I've done that myself. It's not a process that is complete. At the same time, I realized that this time, I am the one who feels that this is destiny and supposed to happen. That is one reason why I work very hard to iron out issues as they come up so that we do work. I did tell him a couple of times that I had to find a way to trust him and to be truthful with myself about his drinking since I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him - knowing that this will always be an element of our life together.
When we woke up on Sunday, all was good. We ate breakfast, watched some TV, and went to take the ETC cast photo. I left him after that to do some things around the house and rest. While I haven't heard how it went when he got home, I'm sure Laura K told him what's what.
I was a dramatic night, but I do feel like it gave us a chance to be honest about some things and reestablish some foundations of our relationship. I have absolutely no doubt about how Doug feels about me or how much he cares about me. However, I keep being reminded of how very different not only our mindsets are right now, but also how very different our baggage is coming into this relationship. We are incredibly similar and yet still very different.
We are still on the right path - it just may be longer that I expected.
