In this week's Crohn's vs COVID Chronicles

Being confined to the house for many months has continued to echo the experiences of my worst bouts of Crohn's - luckily, only so far as corresponding mindset and course back to "beyond."

I'm now at the almost manic growth phase of moving past being shutdown where all the depression and lingering periods of unknown begin to create a restlessness that (without a specific focus) start launching me into a period of self-realization and transformation (successfully or unsuccessfully as to its longevity). 

Starting to find my voice with Mom had suddenly started me finally feeling like an adult instead of the stunted, injured kid that I haven't been able to escape. Not that Mom was the cause of my trauma, but my inability to figure out or move beyond relating to her as a child was definitely still tethering me to that pained adolescent. 

I am working to reassess - and be honest with myself and Alison about - by strengths and shortcomings in my position to take advantage of the "fruitbasket turnover" that is our current department to see if we can make some changes to make things better for everyone. 

I think one of the biggest improvements to come out of this period is that I am finally realizing and taking responsibility for the problems in my life - which also means that I can start taking the role in changing the situation instead of always waiting for someone else to (and never doing so). 

However, in this flurry of self actualization, I am also streaming back to my bad spending habits by grasping at things to reinforce this new "self." Not only have I invested the deposit in the tattoo, I purchased a unique handmade bracelet made of beads and snake vertebrae because it reminded me of Mary Ann Yarborough. I honestly don't have the money for either one right now, and I'm QUICKLY approaching the max of what I should have left over next month if I stick to my basic budget. 

As I try to get a handle on these other parts of my life, I have to once again get a handle on the financial side of things. I am now reminded of how I have gotten myself in debt trouble before with these VERY similar circumstances of talking myself into needing something for the next stage or deserving something so I'll feel better. 

Maybe the new "self" I'm moving toward will finally also realize that with all the changes in life, it's better to have fall back money instead of jumping at the thing that makes my inside flutter at the moment. 

Mine

 Took a big step just now - I emailed that tattoo artist I want to do my art about setting up an appointment. I want to throw up and shout for joy. 

I have been thinking about this for a LONG time, and I have been thinking more and more lately that the time is now. 

The last 6 months of COVID chaos have been intense - more intense that I realized until later in come cases. I've been in my own head and trying to escape/ignore my own head so often. I've really tried to open myself up to whatever inside or from the universe that I needed to discover. 

I'm still sorting through, digging through, and working through understanding some of the realizations that have some during this time. One of the main ones is turning my often-reviled, traumatic childhood on its head and recognizing that the paid comes from my perception/shading of the circumstances more so than malicious intent that I assigned to those in my life. 

I've wanted THEM to change, I've wanted THEM to recognize what they did. I finally realized that I have no control over that, but I can adjust my self-assignment of victim and view of the events. I think all these years that I've just tried to comfort my inner child (as they say) from that time, but that hasn't worked. I have to TEACH that child how to deal, how to grow. 

I guess everyone experiences being "stuck" at a certain age rather than "feeling" their real age. I simultaneously feel "stuck" as the girl I was through and at age 18 while trying to bury and ignore that time. I still feel intense pain from those years that shape how I feel now. 

Though my maturity and peace on the subject literally changes from instant to instant (I guess that's part of growing), I DO feel like I'm making progress of healing my side of experiences and relationships that I had always placed the blame/ill-intent on others for. 

I don't even know if this will all make sense once I am out of this hyper state and reread. However, that tattoo feels like a big step towards "claiming" my self, my control, my perception. 

Tales of the Beach

 I have to pat myself on the back - the beach trip actually went really well! I was expecting the shoe to drop, but it didn't. 

We did get off to a rocky start when Mary Ann wasn't even ready for me to head to her house until 1:30pm and THEN wandered around still preparing, choosing what to pack, talking to yard guy, etc.  until we finally left between 2:30 and 3:00. Still, though, I wasn't by usual bundle of nerves, "let's get going" self. I don't know if it was because I was trying to make myself be on my best behavior or what. 

The ride went well - good chatting and enjoying music. We had just gotten south of Montgomery when I jokingly (as I do every time I've ever passed it on a trip because I've never had anyone agree to stop) mentioned we were coming up on Priester's Pecans. Mary Ann said, "Oh, we should stop! Isn't the kind of thing people do on trips?" I was shocked and excited!

We pulled off the interstate and went in. Was it the most amazing store ever? No. Was it cool to be spontaneous and finally at least get to check it out? YES! We both bought a few treats, and we got to use a restroom that seemed to be kept pretty clean. 

As we got closer to Gulf Shores, we saw a billboard for House of Jerky - boasting every kind of jerky, including vegan - and located at The Wharf. Even though it was nearing dark, we decided to go on our way into town. Being so spontaneous is out of character for me, but I was really enjoying it! We parked and started wandering through shops and stopped for dinner in The Wharf. Dinner took longer than expected so we didn't make it to House of Jerky before it closed so we decided to come back on our way out of town. Mary Ann really wanted to ride the giant ferris wheel so we did - after we got over the butterflies the first time the wheel stopped and out cart moved, it was fun. 

We finally got to the rental property between 9:30 and 10:00. After loading everything in, it was pretty late - and of course dark. We had talked about going to walk on the beach in the dark, but I was afraid we wouldn't be able to find the path and said we should wait until tomorrow. Mary Ann said she was sure we'd be able to find it and convinced we to go ahead and go. 

She was right - we literally crossed the street at the light and walked down the obvious beach access path onto the sand and to the water. It was beautiful and there weren't too many other people on the beach. We strode up and down the shore for a bit then headed back to the rental. We finally turned in about midnight, but I actually felt like we had already done more than I usually do on the first day of a trip. 

The next day, we took our time getting ready - eating breakfast, getting sunscreened up, etc. Since no one was at the pool (and the beach seemed crowded), we headed to the pool. We laid out for a good hour - not something I usually do but I'd eaten a quarter of an edible gummy and was pretty relaxed. Mary Ann got in the pool for a while, but I didn't want to rinse all my sunscreen off since I wasn't sure how much we'd be in the sun the rest of the day since we didn't have real plans. It was HOT so we decided to head back in the room to cool off. 

I suggested we drive around the area and visit shops since we were in the heat of the day then head to beach once it started to cool off. She was up for it so away we went. We had a couple of hiccups of Mary Ann saying we should go somewhere AFTER we passed it when it was not really possible for me to turn around and go back. I got a little frustrated - and probably a little short - but we ended up cooling down and agreeing on the handful of places to stop. About 4:30, she was hungry so we finally (after hitting up 2 other spots that were closed at the time) hit The Oyster House. 

There was a brief wait, and while we were sitting outside, I pulled up their menu on my phone for her to look at since she's pescatarian and a little particular. After looking at it, she went inside and when she came back out, she said she'd asked them to let us know when seats at the bar (which were limited to 4 total with COVID) were available because "she was probably going to have questions and would rather bother a bartender than a server." I wasn't sure what that meant, but whatever. 

We actually got seated quickly, and ended up with a bartender that made me wish Doug was with me (but only for a moment because otherwise, I would have had to listen to him bitch about it and ruin the meal) because he would make SUCH a good improv character. He was WAY into his job, wanted attention (kept making "ugh" noises or saying something under his breath then explaining it as if someone had asked about it though no one had. He was a total show.

Mary Ann did ask a lot of questions, ordered things when we had asked for a minute, etc, so I learned what her comment had meant. I usually would have been annoyed but I actually just appreciated that she knew herself well enough to know how to make it work. She ordered the special recommended by the bartender, but ended up not enjoying it - and let him know (in a nice way but she said she just wanted him to know since he was suggesting it). He - in his "look at me" dramatic way - said he was so sorry and they had a conversation that I tried to completely avoid/ignore and focused on intently eating my red beans and rice. 

Inside, I was wanting it to end - I AM of the British nature enough that I would never let the staff know if I didn't enjoy my food and am not used to someone being so honest. I was honestly embarrassed, but he handled it in stride and then offered us a free piece of cheesecake to make up for her not enjoying his recommendation. I was floored! I went from wanting to crawl in a hole because I was so NOT used to someone speaking up to coming out with a delicious benefit. This was only one of the confounding but enjoyable contradictions I continued to discover around Mary Ann. 

After another shop stop, we headed back to the rental, loaded our purchases inside (better than the hot car), got ready, and headed to the beach. IT WAS PERFECT!!! The temperature was comfortable plus there was a breeze. The sun was starting to go down so it wasn't blazing. People had started to head in so the beach wasn't crowded at all. We chose a spot that was a bit away from other people but right up at the water to set up our chairs (which I'd borrowed). Mary Ann swam out in the water for a while. I sat and listened to the water, took some pics, walked and splashed at the water's edge, picked up shells, etc. We were there maybe 30-45 minutes, but it was just right. 

I pointed out that it may be pretty empty and not too hot if we headed back to the beach around sunrise (and would give us an early start since we had to vacate the rental by 10am). We hung around in the room - watched a little TV, she smoked and listened to music in my car for a good half hour. The heat had taken it's toll, and we were out by around 10:30. 

The next day, I had set an alarm for 6am (she was going to get up earlier but forgot to set an alarm). We actually got moving relatively quickly and made it to the beach. She apparently had told her boyfriend the night before that she didn't want him moving to Birmingham and living with her. Despite it being her birthday, he had obsessively been trying to call and had sent a few dozen nasty texts to start her day. I was appalled at him and told her it was definitely an abusive relationship (which she replied to with "imagine that for me again") and she was much better without him. I rushed her to the beach since I knew she was planning to meditate there and figured it would help - it seemed to and the beach was once again perfect. 

We were back in the rental by 7:30 or 8am. I was trying to take it easy and not be too pushy about getting on the ball to get packed and out of the rental but was definitely watching the clock. At about 9:30, she asked if it would be ok for her to jump in the pool then come back and finish packing. It's the only time I started to kind of "show my ass" (as Dad says) and told her we HAD to have everything out by 10am. So she agreed to get everything out then go swim. I literally had to give her a countdown every ten minutes, but we left with the last load AT 10am. I also had to keep reminding her that we could not leave ANYTHING in the rental because she kept saying "we can leave that for the cleaning crew" - she finally apologized that she just wasn't getting it and I realized I might have started crossing into being harsh. 

Anway, as I took the trash to the dumpster, she went to the pool. I told her we were in no rush NOW so she swam and basked in the sun for another 45 minutes (as I huddled in the shad of an umbrella and sweated). After she was done at the pool, we drove across the street to the beach restroom so she could change out of her wet bathing suit. 

We headed to the go kart track we'd seen on our drive the day before that she'd gotten really excited about. She paid for the whole thing (and bought gas later) which I really appreciated since I already will be pulling savings to pay for the trip. We rode two different go kart tracks and started playing one of the mini golf courses when the heat really started getting to be too much (I know I had sweat pouring down my back). We went in the A/C arcade to try to cool off but didn't find anything of interest. I suggested we go get some lunch for a prolonged cool off and could always come back to do go karts again for a bit (since we still had credit on the passes) before heading to The Wharf (and House of Jerky) on our way out of town. 

Since it was Monday, the first restaurant we went to was closed. When we went to the one next door, it didn't seem to have much inside seating (which is additionally limited during COVID) so I said, "Let's sit in the A/C car while we make a plan. I definitely need to eat inside somewhere." She suggested that we go ahead and go to The Wharf - eat there and shop. She said I could keep the passes card since they don't expire and I'm coming back in October (if not sooner). 

At The Wharf, we ended up parking directly in from of a new age crystal type store - 100% up Mary Ann's alley and definitely of interest to me. We ended up staying in there for a good half hour. By that point, I was starving so we wandered down a ways and found a place boasting a crabcake special. Food ended up being really good PLUS we were only few doors away from the House of Jerky. 

The HOJ ended up not being quite as grand as it sounded, but I still ended up dropping almost $150 and leaving with all kinds of good stuff. We hit a few more shops - including a pet boutique to get goodies for our dogs (much to Annabel and Horatio's chagrin). After that, I had hit my wall. I was ready to get in the car since we had a 5+ hour drive ahead of us and it was already 4:30. I finally got her back in the car (without seeming too impatient, I think) when she said "the Ferris wheel looks like it's open." I finally put my foot down and said we needed to get on the road - apparently too forcefully since she started apologizing and saying she wasn't aware of the time. Of course, I apologized back and said I understood and that I was enjoying just going with the flow but did have to go to work tomorrow. 

We got on the road finally and were once again chatting and enjoying music. We were not too far up the road when I said I was going to pull over to grab a soda so I'd have caffeine in my system for the drive. Mary Ann asked if we could wait because she'd seen a sign for Buc-ee's that wasn't too far away. I took a deep breath and said "sure" even though I was frustrated. And, once again, I realized she had been right. 

Buc-ee's (or however it's spelled) was AWESOME! We wandered around for quite a while and ended up buying food and other treats (including the same adorable t-shirt - unintentionally). It was the oddly perfect ending to the trip.

One odd thing that maybe made the trip even better was that I had several moments that I realized were incredibly similar to dreams I'd been having recently. It was like I was truly supposed to have gone.

Every since the trip, I also have moments where I return to the peace and relaxation I felt. I expected to be keyed up and anxious the entire time, but I managed to really step out of my typicalness to have a trip like none I can really remember. 

I'm now looking forward EVEN MORE to my other girls' beach trip back to Gulf Shores in October, but I know in many ways it will not compare to this one. 

Oh, Anxiety, You're Back

 Wednesday night, Mary Ann texted to ask if I wanted to go to on an impromptu trip to beach this weekend for her b'day. She had dropped by earlier in the day to chat and revealed she might be pregnant again AND her boy is wanting to move to Bham. She's not sure she's ready for that commitment (though she also hasn't gotten in the specifics of his intentions/plans). 

My nurturing nature made me immediately say "sure" once I heard she wanted to go because of her birthday. As we started the process of trying to find a place to stay, the anxiety started. 

By the time we settled on a spot and I got it reserved, I was vibrating with anxiety and on the verge of tears. I know it is PURELY from the "unknowns" of the trip - especially because I've never traveled with Mary Ann before. 

I had settled down by the next morning and was starting to get excited...when I got a message from the property owner that the property wasn't available and should not have been listed because they are concerned of potential COVID exposure. 

I kind of took it in stride - found another nice (and similarly priced) property that I immediately booked and immediately messaged to confirm it was available. I tried not to get my hopes up since one property had already fallen through. I kept checking for a response all night. This morning I finally got confirmation....that it WASN'T available. UGH!

I spent an hour on the phone with customer service at VRBO to get a full refund on that property cancellation and to try to 100% confirm the next property is available. I managed to find a great one - different location (were planning for Fairhope but now in Gulf Shores), more expensive (by $200 that I will eat) BUT directly across the street from the beach, full kitchen (so can reduce exposure risks by not having to eat out every meal), and 2 queen beds (so no one on a couch). Even though the owner replied to my message quickly to confirm it is available, I won't be able to relax until I get the message of exactly how to access the property. 

When we started talking about the trip, she asked if she could leave her dogs at our house for Doug to watch. Since ours have proven time and time again that they do not play well with others, that wasn't an option. I told her I had a friend who had watched pets before that I could ask but that she just started a new job so wasn't sure. Unfortunately (but understandably), Emily replied to my message that she couldn't do it this weekend. I texted Mary Ann immediately yesterday to let her know. 

This morning, when I texted Mary Ann to let her know that we were changing property and location (again!), she replied who I had to watch her dogs. My initial mention reaction - remember; Hello, anxiety of a new travel buddy - was "what the hell? You wanted this trip, and you should be able to get your own pet care." I immediately tried to start my self talk that she may not have seen my text about pet sitting yesterday since she had not responded to it. I texted her that my friends weren't available and even shared a link to a local pet-sitting company I found online for her to check out. I still haven't heard back on that so hope she finds someone and trying to not make it my mission to solve (as is my usual habit). 

I know she is a smoker like Doug, and that is another thing I've been worried about. I have traveled enough with Doug to know the precautions he takes to make sure no smoke is detected when smoking inside in no smoking rooms. I finally decided to bite the bullet of possibly worrying or offending Mary Ann, and I texted her to ask if she had any incognito smoking habits like Doug she plans to use since there's a stiff fee if they detect smoking in the place. I told her I don't care if she smokes in the car (I'm driving). She said she was cool not smoking in the place. 

Just getting all of this out of my head is helping to lower my anxiety, but I still have a lot of worries (not just about Mary Ann and me, also about Doug being home by himself all weekend). I know that a lot of it is baseless and stupid, but it's still making my heart race and making me want to cry. I don't know why my anxiety has gotten SO bad in the last decade - it really sucks. 

I keep trying to employ the tools I've learned to deal with my depression. Reasonable self talk to remind myself of the reality of the situation instead of what my anxiety is telling me. Letting go of focusing my energy on trying to control every minute detail - which causes me more stress since a lot of what I'm trying to plan/control is out of my control.

Spontaneity is always hard for me. I was not something we did when I was growing up. Spontaneity of this scale - WHOA! But, I want to be able to roll with the punches and handle the unexpected like this - especially when it's GOOD unexpected! That's one reason why I am fighting like hell to follow through with this weekend, address anxiety-inducing elements head on where I can. 

Maybe if I can get over these hurdles a few times, the anxiety monster won't be such a formidable foe next time.

Mom-sized Breakthrough, Blooming Where Planted, and Healing

For the last few weeks, I've started to brighten up during this continued pandemic. Yesterday and today, my anxiety has been back at full alert (though I think it's mostly due to event planning elements at work that are no longer in my hands - I do hate a loss of control). 

I hopes of perking me back up, I'm going to recount some of the hard-won GOOD things that have come together in hopes I can find my way back to positivity - at the risk of recognizing them and shooting them all to hell...

Mom

Of course, I've been struggling with my relationship with Mom for a long time. I've been trying to figure out why I have this self-imposed barrier of protection against her. 

I had a revelation several weeks ago about the biggest way she and I are the same - we are outsiders in the family. I have never really felt like I "fit" in my immediate or extended family because I have very different interests (i.e., I hate sports, I like artsy and dark stuff). Bailey has felt like my appreciated connection since she has the same ideas. 

I realized that Mom is also an outsider with her obsessive interest in alternative medicine. I realized that if I substituted that for my interests, our experiences are probably very similar. We're looking to "fit," to be accepted, and to be appreciated.

I've been trying to view and approach my relationship with her through this lens, and I haven't felt as combative or protective against her. 

She emailed yet another "alternative medicine conspiracy theory" podcast link last week urging us to listen to it. Instead of dismissing and ignoring it like usual - which I'm sure all of us in the family she sends them to usually do, I decided to send a measured, intentional response. I admitted that I didn't listen to the podcast but I did research the speaker and the topics it said he was speaking about. I agreed that there are probably more dangers (5G, bioengineering, etc) than the authorities admit to but that I doubt it's as dire as the alternative medicine experts theorize. I said I would like to see more unbiased data but since money drives everything that I doubted we'd ever get the full truth. I went further to say that stuff she had shared before ended up being helpful so it was good to at least keep a peripheral awareness of these concerns. 

She actually responded and said she did just want the info to be on our radar. I felt like it was a big step for us. I hope it keeps up - maybe I can just talk to her on the phone one day instead of Dad monopolizing the entire call and balking at her saying anything. 

Work

I don't know if it's because I have WAY fewer social interactions that deplete my energy while working at home or if it's because I feel like the potential failure pressure connected to events is so much less, but I feel like I have really started to "bloom where I'm planted." I actually connect with my team better, I feel a closer connection to and appreciation for the organization, and  I feel reinvigorated. 

Overall, I am recognizing my value and expertise instead of still considering myself an entry level newbie who doesn't know what I'm doing. 

I'm honestly concerned about returning to operations as usual one day and that this may all melt away as my anxieties build back up. But I'm hoping I can change my self talk and instill reminders of this good time. 

Crohns Wounds

Ever since my Crohns started when I was 18, it has made me hate my body - in very different ways than I had previously. 

Despite the digestive side of Crohns being no problem since my big surgery in 2010, it has continued to affect my body in irritating, embarrassing, and hard-to-treat life-affecting ways. 

It's been at least 6 years (if not longer) since the rash under my wafer started making me self-conscious and constantly concerned for the integrity of its adhesion. It was one of the major reasons why I was afraid to be too physically active - sexually and exercising. I would constantly pat down and check my wafer for leakage, loosening, etc. I spent easily a couple thousand of dollars to extra supplies or experimental supplies to help. 

Suddenly, my skin has become healthy. I've had a couple of concerning spots that I've immediately started to treat in hopes to prevent its return, but I no longer have to constantly patch the edges of the wafer or its reinforcement bandages on a daily basis. I actually got to the point that I have to change the full appliance every other day for a while. 

Then all of a sudden, it was fine. I am shocked at the relief it has brought not having to worry about it. I knew it annoyed and frustrated me, but I didn't realize how much until I wasn't worrying anymore. 

While that was clearing up, my genital Crohns skin issues - along one labia and my continued rectal wound bed - have gotten progressively worse. My GYN advised me to talk to my GI about new medications because the skin irritation is so bad. I really don't want to go on another high-powered, expensive medication that doesn't seem to affect these skin issues. 

I've been trying to treat with the steroid cream from the dermatologist. I developed a superficial fistula in my groin a few weeks ago and immediately started treating topically with the steroid cream - it healed in less than 2 weeks. The other wounds - it doesn't seem to touch AND I'm afraid to use too often since it thins the skin and could make it worse. 

When ordering my ostomy supplies on Medical Monks last time, I had the wild idea to just search "inflamation" to see if any products to try might show up. A collagen lotion came up so I did some research on that - it's used in wound care to help heal and protect stubborn wounds. I decided to trade the gamble I'd been taking (unsuccessfully since they didn't seem to be what worked) on my ostomy to these wounds and buy (the not-so-cheap) product. 

I've been using it religiously twice a day for a week and a half on the wound by the labia. I am SUPER encouraged that it may actually work. The area is definitely less red, and one of the deeper spots seems to be starting to fill in. I'm afraid to be too optimistic, but OH MY GOD, would it be great if this worked!

One of the many reasons why I haven't wanted to be intimate with Doug is because of the embarrassment and physical discomfort cause by all these skin issues. I also get SO tired of having to clean the toilet seat after almost every time I go to the bathroom because the rectal wound constantly bleeds or oozes, leaving a spot. Maybe I could go back o wearing cute, typical underwear instead of incontinence panties since I wouldn't have to worry about making sure the rectal wound doesn't drain on my clothes. I have had to worry with this for more than 8 years, and the wound continues to worsen. 

I still believe that nothing bad in life happens without something good, and nothing good happens without something bad. I'm praying that the turbulent state of our world right now is the bad enough to balance out the potential life-changing healing of these wounds. I literally cannot imagine how different my life could be!

Numb and Number

I thought I was numb. COVID shutdowns started and then continued longer than originally planned as there still wasn't clear knowledge about the virus to prevent illness. The moving light at the end of the tunnel was something that was hard to fathom - especially since everything at work was on hold because of it. So, I dealt in the best way I knew how - I shut down a bit, too.

As we all started settling into our new COVID normal and started the process of slowing reopening where we could, we started making plans again. We started establishing firm event plans I could start moving towards and working on again. I started having active, full work days with a purpose. I felt less of a need to plug emotional holes with food and started rekindling healthier eating habits.

Then, the bottom fucking fell out....

Doug and I snapped at each other constantly for almost a week starting Memorial Day weekend. His drinking was getting more out of hand, and I felt increasingly disconnected - when he was my only connection.

The country erupted after the murder of George Floyd by police. The perfect storm of other senseless killings of people of color plus COVID frustrations launched the country into passionate protests that opportunistic bastards twisted into destructive and violent riots. Curfews were inflicted to try to protect the population who were afraid to venture out anyway.

The straw that shattered what little semblance of grasp I still had - Dr. Gary Edwards, one of the sweetest, most influential-for-good men I've ever known died. His funeral was yesterday. I saw him in the casket, and every brain cell still told me "You're gonna see him when you get to go back to the office. He's too vital. He's not dead." I literally cannot process it.

I've had moments of the deepest darkness and hopelessness that I haven't felt since high school. I have had moments where I just want it all to end and I don't want to endure another day of it (which would I guess translate into suicide but I don't want to die - just for all the pain to end). I feel like I feel nothing. Yes, I realize the irony and confusion of that statement.

I've gone shopping since that used to give me a dopamine bump, but everything was just stuff instead of treasures like it used to be. I've eaten everything from junk to healthful hoping something might trigger a happy moment but I still just feel hungry for something I can't define. I've started praying again - honestly baring to God what I feel like I can't bare to anyone else since everyone is hurting, but I still feel like there is a wall of my own construction trying to protect me but distancing me instead.

I've tried to tools in my arsenal. So, the only one left is to give up. Literally go with the flow wherever it drags me. Give up control to regain it. It worked when I was dying in the hospital and literally didn't have the strength to fight. Ultimately, I connected to a better life. I would hope that is what will happen now, but I'm too exhausted - in every way possible - to hope at this moment.

Somewhere way deep in me, there is a small flicker. A whispering voice that there will be a better-but-different existence for myself and the world at large after this. That why I kept holding on, but now, I'm loosening my grip in the hopes that the whirlpool is gonna take me where I need to go all on its own.

Initiate shutdown sequence.

Birthday in the Time of COVID

When I was turning 40 last year, I decided I was going to embrace experiences - I went canoeing with friends, I did yoga with baby goats, Doug and I went to Chicago, I took an impromptu trip to St. Louis with Lori.

As I'm turning 41, the world has been on lock down for a month and is full of uncertainty due to the Coronavirus/COVID-19 pandemic.

It is a complicated time - not just because it is my birthday. I can't escape the realization that I am once again living through true history - the kind that history books will detail. Also the kind with a gravity that connects me to similar experiences of the past. The terrorist attacks of 9/11 helped me understand the emotion, fear, support, etc. of the Pearl Harbor attack. Past pandemics like the Black Plague, yellow fever, and cholera made such impacts that no study of history is complete without them. It isn't until now that I understand a sliver of the lasting trauma they really caused - even with the communication and medical advances we have now.

The biggest echo this has stirred in me is the shutdown and resignation I felt in the period between my C diff infection and ultimate ileostomy surgery. I didn't know what would happen, how long it would last, and didn't have effective coping outlets. At moments, it gets overwhelming and dark, but luckily those moments don't last long. I also dwell in the knowledge that this challenge WILL end (one way or another), and life will go on. Still, it's strange.

Me being me, I keep trying to analyse and access what I'm feeling to better deal with myself, my experience, and my world. However, my feelings change so often that I can't get a grasp on them. I end up tamping them back down and trying to return to a submissive numbness.

One significant difference in this period is Doug and the dogs. The pups cuddle with me so often, and it melts my heart. It is the only feeling I truly crave and truly allow myself to feel.

Doug and I are stronger than ever. We've respected each others' boundaries and needs during this time - I spend most of my weekdays in the living room working or just watching TV I want to watch. We've had some great life and personal discussions. I feel like we're connecting more - almost like we did in the beginning instead of sort of taking each other for granted.

In many ways, I'm in a bit of an ideal situation - I am living like a hermit (other than Doug) with minimal interactions (mostly digital) with other people. I have built-in boundaries to interact or not. Although, during yesterday's plethora of digital birthday wishes, I felt like I wanted to withdraw more instead of engage. There is some sort of personal trauma that gets ignited that I still don't understand.

One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. This will pass, we will learn.