I'm now at the almost manic growth phase of moving past being shutdown where all the depression and lingering periods of unknown begin to create a restlessness that (without a specific focus) start launching me into a period of self-realization and transformation (successfully or unsuccessfully as to its longevity).
Starting to find my voice with Mom had suddenly started me finally feeling like an adult instead of the stunted, injured kid that I haven't been able to escape. Not that Mom was the cause of my trauma, but my inability to figure out or move beyond relating to her as a child was definitely still tethering me to that pained adolescent.
I am working to reassess - and be honest with myself and Alison about - by strengths and shortcomings in my position to take advantage of the "fruitbasket turnover" that is our current department to see if we can make some changes to make things better for everyone.
I think one of the biggest improvements to come out of this period is that I am finally realizing and taking responsibility for the problems in my life - which also means that I can start taking the role in changing the situation instead of always waiting for someone else to (and never doing so).
However, in this flurry of self actualization, I am also streaming back to my bad spending habits by grasping at things to reinforce this new "self." Not only have I invested the deposit in the tattoo, I purchased a unique handmade bracelet made of beads and snake vertebrae because it reminded me of Mary Ann Yarborough. I honestly don't have the money for either one right now, and I'm QUICKLY approaching the max of what I should have left over next month if I stick to my basic budget.
As I try to get a handle on these other parts of my life, I have to once again get a handle on the financial side of things. I am now reminded of how I have gotten myself in debt trouble before with these VERY similar circumstances of talking myself into needing something for the next stage or deserving something so I'll feel better.
Maybe the new "self" I'm moving toward will finally also realize that with all the changes in life, it's better to have fall back money instead of jumping at the thing that makes my inside flutter at the moment.
