As my restless mind was whirling last night, I suddenly had a realization: I am not going to be a pole dancer. And that's ok.
Ever since I discovered Studio Steel a few years ago, I have been pushing myself (financially and fitness-ly) to be able to get back to taking classes. For some reason, I was drawn to it and really want THIS to stick.
I also didn't want to be a failure...again.
Today, I've been thinking back to other things that I have REALLY wanted (and tried) to be:
- dancer
- piano player
- singer
- bellydancer
- pole dancer
- ukulele player
These are all part of the image I've had of myself of who I WANT to be, not of who I am. And, I realize it was valid for me to at least check these things out.
However, the fact that they didn't "take" or that the skill/talent didn't develop doesn't mean that I'm a failure. It just means that it wasn't actually for me - and that's ok.
I'm trying to recognize and give gratitude to those things in my life that were interesting, brought a new experience, or helped set me on a new path when I needed it but didn't actually take root to grow. I think I can assign that value to everything on this list. Something DID come from them, just not what I intended.
I need to stop grasping at or mourning the version of myself I had in my head growing up - and that I think I still have. I have to truly start embracing myself as I am and as I'm becoming.
Another part of the transformational growth I've been undergoing recently is realizing (yes, I'm intentionally using that word a lot) how often I have told myself or accepted as fact that I cannot do something. Not because it has been proven that I can't or because I tried and couldn't - just because "well, I'm me. Therefore, it isn't possible."
Starting to fill and claim that value by beginning to question "why can't I?" is stoking an energy deep in me. I have finally started to feel like I am no longer that insecure teenager - an energy that I have drug along like a safety blanket - and finally like I am a powerful, intelligent woman who CAN.
