Took a big step just now - I emailed that tattoo artist I want to do my art about setting up an appointment. I want to throw up and shout for joy.
I have been thinking about this for a LONG time, and I have been thinking more and more lately that the time is now.
The last 6 months of COVID chaos have been intense - more intense that I realized until later in come cases. I've been in my own head and trying to escape/ignore my own head so often. I've really tried to open myself up to whatever inside or from the universe that I needed to discover.
I'm still sorting through, digging through, and working through understanding some of the realizations that have some during this time. One of the main ones is turning my often-reviled, traumatic childhood on its head and recognizing that the paid comes from my perception/shading of the circumstances more so than malicious intent that I assigned to those in my life.
I've wanted THEM to change, I've wanted THEM to recognize what they did. I finally realized that I have no control over that, but I can adjust my self-assignment of victim and view of the events. I think all these years that I've just tried to comfort my inner child (as they say) from that time, but that hasn't worked. I have to TEACH that child how to deal, how to grow.
I guess everyone experiences being "stuck" at a certain age rather than "feeling" their real age. I simultaneously feel "stuck" as the girl I was through and at age 18 while trying to bury and ignore that time. I still feel intense pain from those years that shape how I feel now.
Though my maturity and peace on the subject literally changes from instant to instant (I guess that's part of growing), I DO feel like I'm making progress of healing my side of experiences and relationships that I had always placed the blame/ill-intent on others for.
I don't even know if this will all make sense once I am out of this hyper state and reread. However, that tattoo feels like a big step towards "claiming" my self, my control, my perception.
