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The Invisible Crossroad

 Last night, I did it. I ask Doug to start Couples Therapy. 

It went about as well as I'd expected. He obviously didn't see a need and didn't want to, but kept saying that he'd said no when he was with Amy and learned that lesson. Except, he didn't. He started basically trying to reason me out of the need for it - asking what I hoped to get out of it (I said more of a Partnership around the house). It, of course, became me giving some examples of things I've asked his help on before and (again) he said "I can do that." I tried as tactfully but honestly as I could to tell him that this is the same road we've been done before and I fully expect the same results - which is how we got here. I explained that I've tried everything I know of on my side of the relationship and now, this is the only option I feel I have. 

I told him I'd asked my therapist if she has suggestions of who to see, and he asked why wouldn't just do UAB free counseling (since that's what he and Amy did). I told him when I'd called for my own counselor more than a year ago that I was told they were overwhelmed and I never go assigned anyone even after following up. I told him that if he could call and see if he could get farther, that would be great (because either we would get a counselor or he would see what I was talking about). I honestly don't have much expectation he'll actually call - which means I'll ask him intermittently for the next week or so, he'll say he didn't have a chance or he forgot, and then he'll end up frustratingly saying to just schedule with one of my people it if matters that much. 

What frustrates me the most is that I know he legitimately doesn't see any issues and legitimately thinks I haven't brought it up so feels blindsided. Fundamentally, our brains work differently. But I am finally admitting to myself that I cannot change this alone, I do not have the skill set to know how to translate what I think and feel in a way that registers with him, and that this is the invisible crossroad where we make decisions that will turn us into his parents or mine. 

It's also so easy to fall into my defaults (only focusing on the negative and questioning whether it is just me so that I take all the responsibility and work to fix things). So, in an effort to stay aware, here's what I know:

- Doug is capable: When I broke my ankle and could barely move for a month, he took on not only all household duties but also coordinated the entire emergency hot water heater installation with no procrastination. 

- Doug has made requested changes before: He has successfully taken on the responsibility of making weekday morning coffee to remove it from my routine since I have to get ready every morning. He has always been reliably in charge of taking the trash to the curb and keeping track of trash schedule. He sets out the reminder card for flea pill day. He more frequently empties the dishwasher. 

- Doug has made concessions for me - He has put sex on the back burner because of my health issues and lack of interest. He turns off Gutfeld and Fox News when I come in room after telling him that it really impacts my mental state and I do not want to watch it. I feel reasonably confident that some of the cooking competition shows and maybe a couple other things we watch together, he watches because I want to even though he's not super interested. He makes sure to get up to hug and kiss me when I leave every morning or if I go to bed before him at night. He does thank me for cooking dinner (even if he wasn't hungry to eat it), recognizes that I do a lot to keep the house in shape, and lets me know how much he enjoyed a trip and appreciates me planning it. 

- Doug has also not followed through on big requests that end up falling to me to complete - When we moved in together, we basically agreed that I would handle inside chores and he would keep the yard up. When he kept going months without cutting the grass, I researched and found the initial and the current yard care companies (which he complained about the cost of but also took no steps to find alternatives). I do recognize, though, that he pays for this service so maybe he translates that to upholding his part of the agreement to keep up the yard. 

      I asked him to handle getting the deck replaced - which he considered he did when he called one person who said they would do it even though we were put off more than a year while he did other projects and the deck became even more of a safety concern. So, I had to do the research to find options. After a lot of discussion, I agreed on a wood deck if he would find someone to handle the process of caring for it to protect it. He mentioned the permanent deck protection service, but after not actually looking into the companies for months, I did the research to choose one so we could actually get the deck treated before it started deteriorating. Same issue with the gate replacement and protection. 

     I asked him to help look into a UAB contact when Sherri applied for a job, and after asking him almost daily about it, he finally did after 2 weeks. I asked him to take over getting rid of the rust and getting the cast iron skillet usable again. He researched to find the item needed, but I actually had to buy it after he kept putting it off. The skillet is still not usable and the item I bought is still unopened. 

- If I don't specifically ask (usually multiple times), it doesn't get done - That means I end up feeling like a mom constantly telling her teenage son what needs to be done. I raised the point last night that I feel like I have to mother him, and he was completely perplexed at how having to ask him every time I want him to complete a task is "mothering." 

      If I am requesting to do something one time (like "can you empty the dishwasher today?"), he'll do it. If I'm asking him to take the responsibility of continually doing something (like "can you empty the dishwasher whenever it is clean?"), I either have to be crying and upset (which still usually only means he'll follow through for about a month) or I have to be pissed off and yelling at which point he'll usually actually keep doing it. 

It's kind of similar to being an addict (which I do think is part of his problem but it's not all of it) - the addict doesn't always experience reality because they are removed from it by the substances. Those around them know and remember exactly what happens during those periods so they more frequently feel hurt when the addict only focuses on what they remember - the times that weren't hurtful. 

I'm not at the point where I want to leave because I really to believe that we just need a little help to course correct and get on the same path. But I also don't physically or mentally feel like I can continue to carry the task burden, the "don't bring up problems" burden, or the "we're having 2 completely different relationships" burden. 

God, I hope something will help!

Lessons in Silence

 As a follow up to the SKY Happiness classes I took last September or October, I spent this last weekend taking the 2nd level of courses: a silent meditation retreat from Friday 5pm to Monday 5pm. 

The course apparently hasn't been offered in Birmingham in 5 or more years, but with the interest generated through the UAB partnership and classes, they decided to restart offering a silent retreat here (instead of having to travel to the HQ in North Carolina or another community doing what they did here). Morning arrival was 7am, and we ended at 9:30p every day but Monday. Meals were provided (and very tasty - especially considering they were vegetarian). Getting to go home helped keep costs significantly reduced (plus a UAB discount), but I was concerned about how not talking would go with Doug.

The organizers sent a email a few days before the retreat with all details we needed to know, and I forwarded it to Doug so he'd know my schedule and who to get in touch with if something came up. He replied with the sweetest email that meant SO much - he said he knew this was important to me and would do his absolute best to respect the silence. When I got home from work that day, he'd created and printed Silent Retreat signs to hang up as a reminder all weekend. He also said to let my family know to contact him if they needed me and he would contact the leaders. It was a level of commitment and responsibility I don't feel like I get from him sometimes - and I knew what a sacrifice it was for him to NOT have time with me over a 3-day Holiday weekend, so I swelled with validation and appreciation. 

Of course, silent means no talking, but this extended to include not looking at your phone, scrolling, watching videos/tv, journaling, reading, etc. I actually did really well - I did kinda talk to myself like I often do and I had to give Annabel a few verbal commands when she didn't follow hand gestures. It also made me realize that while I often feel overwhelmed or that I HAVE to be involved with/responsible for so much, life was find without me. I am lucky that I actually have a pretty small life and can separate when needed. 

There were a few people who had done 5+ silent retreats so during our 1st dinner (we didn't actually go silent until Sat morning), they were sharing what to expect. All of them mentioned that it will feel like a roller coaster, but I honestly thought they were exaggerating. I mean, I'm an introvert - this shouldn't be that hard. Sure, I was afraid of where my mind might go without distractions, but I thought that would be the extent of the challenges. 

Friday night involved a lot of talking and sharing with different partners in the group - maybe partially so we were READY to nto have to talk for a while. Days were spent in 3-ish hour segments between meals filled with guided mediations (30-45 minutes each), light physical movement, and videos of lessons/teachings from Gurudev (the learned leader of this international program). Meal breaks were approx 1.5 hours during which we ate and went for walks outside (luckily we were right across from Rhodes Park on Highland so lots of nice areas to walk - though I was constantly worried I'd see someone I knew but not be able to talk). 

The roller coaster started Saturday during some of the early meditations when voices inside me started screaming that I didn't want to be there, it would be so much nicer to be at home with Doug and Annabel, this was a waste of time, this wasn't for me... on and on in a surprisingly angry and aggressive way that almost felt like I was possessed. That dissipated a bit through the day, but by the time we were watching the final videos of the day in the last hour before we left, I could concentrate for just being DONE. I was thinking about how I was going to go straight to a shower when I got home and could not wait. 

Sunday, I apparently turned off my second alarm accidentally when trying to silence my 1st one so I woke up on my own literally 10 minutes before I needed to walk out the door. I changed clothes, thru Annabel in bed with Doug, and ran out the door - no coffee and completely discombobulated. That set me up to be in THE worst, sour, irritated, angry, I-could-just-leave mood for the first hours of the day (through morning yoga movement, breathing practices, and breakfast). During my walk, I had a little talk with myself that I had to stop fighting and resisting this experience. I prayed for help giving up and giving in. The rest of the day went smoother and I started finding the meditations a bit easier to stay engaged with. At the end of day, I was ready to go home but nowhere near as over it all as I had been the night before. 

Monday, I woke up on time and leisurely drank a little coffee (so I wouldn't risk a caffeine withdrawal headache) and permitted myself a little bit of TV since I was only hours away from no longer being silent. However, I had also not felt well since dinner the night before and woke up with overwhelming nausea (like I get when my acid reflux is bad). So, I very minimally took part in morning yoga and was conservative with breakfast. The nausea came and went all day, but it did get better. I don't know if it was because I had made it over the hurdle of the discomfort of the previous days or because the finish line was in sight, but I finally started feeling like THIS is what I was hoping/expecting to feel from the experience. The meditations felt easier - like they lasted a few minutes instead of the 30+ minutes. I much more easily felt peace instead of having to refocus my mind. I could understand why many people said that on the last day you may want to keep going - the good part felt like it was just starting!

A few lessons/takeaways:

1) I spend so much time and energy focusing on trying to do things "right" that I end up blind to the experience.

The first morning that we did the yoga movements I got frustrated that the leader wasn't clearly explaining each activity (plus we were supposed to have our eyes closed to "have our own experience" which usually translates into "so that no one feels self conscious") then I was frustrated that I was in such bad shape that I couldn't so them as well as the leader. 

The 2nd morning - when I was in such a bad mood - I was pissed that I was even expected to do all this stuff because I didn't even want to be there anyway. 

The final morning - when I was being very protective of myself as I was trying to get my stomach to settle rather than throwing up during sessions - I realized that none of this (movements or otherwise) was necessarily about doing it "right." Yes, the breathing processes are supposed to be completed in specific ways but even that has a bit of flexibility to do how it feels right for you. The movements, the lessons, all of it is not a bar to try to reach but a buffet of options to take what feels right to you. 

2) This program is not a cult nor does it have expectations/requirements of how into it you get.

Shyam (who has taught both SKY classes and - I guess - runs the Art of Living center in North Carolina that is the HQ in this part of the country for Gurudev's teachings) shared at one point that these practices and teachings are rooted in ancient knowledge or realizations to try to offer ways to reduce stress and live a free life. However, these is no religious connection - it fits with your beliefs if you have them or doesn't try to get you to believe something if you don't. 

Also, if something resonates with you, absorb it or adopt it. If it doesn't, let it go and move on. There are not Shoulds and Shouldn'ts.

3) I do really love Doug. 

On Monday - as the meditations were getting smoother for me, we did one where you thought of someone you love or that makes you happy to bring awareness to the effect on your body, mind, spirit. I, not surprisingly, thought of Doug. 

I immediately felt like I did the New Year's Eve when I decided I was going to sit with my leg touching his whether it was weird or not because I liked it. The warmth and tingles and radiance I had in the beginning came flooding back. 

I have known that the hurt from when his addiction behavior was at its worst has been responsible for the rift I have felt for years. I have been trying to minimize it in various ways, but I just have not been able to set it aside and recapture that connection. 

I am hoping that this is a promising start on a new chapter between us. 

________________________

We were told that after being so disconnected for several days that we needed to ease back into our usual lived over the next few days. Again, I didn't expect this to really be much of an issue for me. 

Then, yesterday happened. Sweet Jesus! Granted that I am eagerly awaiting glasses for my new prescription since I have been proven that my eyes are straining with my current glasses, but I swear I felt like I could not focus my eyes. Plus, I couldn't focus my mind - I would start to work on something and completely lose track of my thoughts. Hell, I couldn't hold a thought!

Today has been much better, and I do feel "clearer" and less overwhelmed than I did before the retreat. I can see how that dissipates the further you get from the retreat and why people redo them a few times a year. Guess we'll see from here. 

Shift from Problems to Goals

 I feel like a lot of my epiphanies lately have had a common theme: shifting blame/responsibility from others to myself:

- realizing the self critical voices are not those of other people in my life but the internalization of those voices to the point that it is now my own

- realizing that my fixing tendency (which I thought was all about helping other) is actually all about protecting myself

Yesterday, I had a couple of new self-based realizations:

1) I learned to become completely attuned to others' energies as a survival mechanism growing up but now I was adapted that to the point that I naturally absorb the energy of those around me and cannot separate from it

   - This leads me to set priorities based on what I think others' need (in reality, it is what they want) instead of focusing on what is actually a priority based on my needs

       * This includes my propensity to jump at and respond to each email/Teams inquiry to fix a problem even when I need to be focused on the project at hand 

 - I end up feeling overwhelmed, resentful, and powerless that THEY are making me do so much. On the few occasions when I do step back and ask myself where the expectation ACTUALLY came from, it almost always is that I assigned the instant need to it on behalf of the other person rather than them actually saying "I need this now." 

- Even just general negative or frantic energy in my environment - when no requests have actually been directed to me - triggers frantic and urgent response in me. 

2) Reading more in Codependency No More last night, a phrase REALLY resonated with me:

"I've turned my problems into goals."

- This not only shifts the perspective from negative powerlessness to hopeful solutions, if also moves the locus of control from others to me. 

- An example that immediately came to mind when I read this is my frequent frustrations that I feel like Doug doesn't consider me or prioritize my needs.

     * I'm coming to realize that a big part of that is the wall I have built against openly sharing. Instead of Doug being the problem, I'm going to try to shift to a goal of becoming more open and see where that gets us. 

It is becoming increasingly clear that to grow and improve from here to to where I want to be, I have to begin recognizing where the responsibility actually rests with me vs others because I CAN actually influences changes with/for myself. Also, I have to develop and hold to boundaries for myself to begin identifying MY energy and separate it from others' so I don't get overwhelmed or caught up. 

The REALLY big AHA!

 Last week, I started an online webinar and live coaching series with Kelli Thompson called "From Doer to Leader" focused on changing from a star performer to a coach and leader.

In the homework from the 1st class, Kelli responded to comment and asked about coaching me during the group session today:

Aha Moments about where you spend your time:

• I prioritize everyone else and allow them to control how I spend my time far too often.
• I literally don't think I've ever turned someone away who asked a question or asked for "a quick favor" - even when I was absolutely drowning at the moment.
• Part of that habit is because I also think "oh, I can do that real quick - no problem," but I'm recognizing that I end up losing so much time (and energy) having to figure out where I was before the interruption

The one-on-one coaching was great - we focused a lot on why I feel like all the responsibility falls on me, what it feels like in that situation, what would happen if I didn't take on all the responsibility, and how I really need to focus on what I need to do and accomplish instead of what I'm doing for others (that isn't really mine). It reiterated a lot of what I've been talking about with Frannie in therapy around my codependency. 

After we were done talking, she opened it back out to the group about feedback or questions on her coaching process or the topic we'd discussed. I don't even remember what brought it up, but she said something about how sometimes taking on responsibility and feeling like we have to come up with all the solutions comes from being in the position when we were little because of our family situation. That may serve us well then and it becomes how we operate - even helps us get ahead in our careers until we become leaders. It leads to everything being heaped on us, and we have to figure out how - as leaders - to redirect that. 

Well, the lightning bold came when I heard her say we learn that we have to find the solutions when we're little and it trains us for the rest of our lives. It finally connected that I DID have to solve my own problems because no one else in my life was (or as I refer to it - I raised myself). 

I've always considered the codependency and being a fixer as being directed at everyone else and trying to fix them, but NO - I'm always solving my own problems because I've never had - or have never been able to trust - someone else to. That's literally all I want - and why I get irritated - so often... when do I get someone to solve MY problems? 

It's almost insidious - like the revelation I had thinking my wounds have been inflicted by others all these years when really I had internalized everything to the point that it was my own voice tearing me down. It appears that I'm so focused on others and I'm such a helper (and it's THEIR fault that I have so much to do), but really, I'm the problem. I'm trying to protect myself, I'm trying to buffer against having to fix something else later, I'm making myself solve all the problems because I don't feel able to turn them over to anyone else (because I've never been able to). 

Now that I realize it, it seems like such a duh! thing because I'm seen pieces of the realization puzzle here and there. It's like suddenly today all those pieces fit together just right for me to see the entire picture. 

So, if I am the one causing myself this pain and these issues, hopefully I can also gain or develop the ability to move beyond them. 

Living from the wound...and curiously hoping for healing

 After work this past Wed-Fri nights, I attended 3.5 hours of a SKY Meditation retreat. If I every come back to read this, I hope I'm still following the daily breathing techniques and meditation. 

In addition to philosophies, life approaches, and creating connections with others during the classes, the first 2 nights are extended breathing processes to detox one's system(s) and reset your rhythms. Sure, it sounds like complete bullshit except that there are more than 100 scientific studies that have been conducted by experts at Harvard, Yale, and UAB proving the direct impact the program can have. 

They tell you that feelings or thoughts may come up during those extended breathing sessions and to just go with them. Mine starting showing up yesterday and today. 

There were a few emotional sparks of meaning during the classes:

• The presenter started off by talking about where stress comes from - the mind constantly vacillating between regrets or hurts of the past and dreams or expectations of the future. Peace can be found by being in the moment. 
• I realized that I have been in a near constant state of stress since childhood because I am near constantly trying to escape my present.
• We discussed being childlike and being 100% of who you are to be in the present - "Like how you are not afraid to be goofy with your closest loved ones."
• That hurt like a knife because I never have - even as a child - felt unafraid to be goofy with my family. 
• I did not have the sense of safety you need and desperately want during those years when you are first navigating the world. 
• I was primed for everything I did to elicit a reaction of correction, mocking, bullying, or some other painful experience. 
• Talking about being childlike brought back the memory of how I loved to sing all the time as a small child - to myself, around the yard, in the bathroom. And I clearly having a great time just singing my heart out while on the toilet in the the hall bathroom in the old house, and Lance opening the door just enough to make fun of me. I don't remember ever singing around the house again after that and rarely building the nerve (maybe 3 times I can remember) to sing a solo for choir performances. I'm still uncomfortable letting people really hear me sing. 
• Another discussion point during the classes was that we isolate when we feel stressed. 
• From the previous points, it's pretty damn easy to see why my life was constant stress (especially until I moved out).
• I thought I was a loner because I am such a strong introvert, but connecting the dots through the 3 days of classes, I realize I was exhibiting that stress response my whole life. 
• I was a loner and isolated myself as a protective mechanism.
• The response that really hit me in the heart was during a connection exercise where we paired up and looked into each others' eyes for a really long time. During that period, the instructor said something like "The person across from you is love. The stress of everyday life may get in the way or keep them from fully expressing it, but they are full of love." 
• That's my family. Life has repeatedly gotten in the way for each of us, but we are full of love. 
• Several weeks ago, I was thinking through my family dynamic and how Mom and Dad's family of origin set them up for who/how they are. So yeah, their fucked up families got in their heads and that got in the way of their love too often, but I have to remember they did - and do - love me. 

On Friday morning, what kept popping into my head was "I feel like a completely different person." I didn't feel constant achiness all over my body or weighed down or exhausted beyond any ability to not be for the first time since I can remember. 

What else kept popping in my head was a quote from years ago (which I'm pretty sure I wrote about in a previous post): Are you living from the wound? Or from the healing? 

- I've been so frustrated that I feel like I keep falling back into the wound, but what the process this week made me realize is that I've never stopped living from the wound. It's like the damn pyodrema gangrenosa I've been fighting for years - the would seemed like it was filling and getting more shallow, but in reality, the tissues were swelling because the inflamation was so continuous that the wound was becoming more wounded. 

That's how I feel the last 4 years (maybe longer) has been - a wound getting more wounded. I think I've been a max capacity, and that is why the last year or so have been so completely overwhelming. I was running out of healthy parts the wound wasn't taking over any more. 

A LOT of emotions, revelations, and memories have been coming up today (especially during the quiet stillness of my massage appointment). But, I (perhaps naively, perhaps shrewdly) feel like I have found fresh edges to the wound for the first time that may allow healing, if not at least the skin to start toughening and scarring so the wound finally settles into a manageable reminder instead of a constant source of pain. 

I have been my own worst enemy

 Today's meditation epiphany:

My entire life has been a battle of wanting to be my true self and criticizing/devaluing/hating that true self. 

A lot of my problems with Mom, Dad, Lance, people in school, etc. has been that they constantly told me I was wrong - the way my brain worked was wrong (i.e., doing well in school without considerable studying, or just doing really well in school period, the kinds of clothing and decoration and entertainment I was drawn to, my general views/approaches/philosophy of life. I have always felt like I just wanted to be accepted and approved for who I am. 

When I got to college, I started finding friends who do appreciate me for who I am. Over the years at work or at volunteering or theatre opportunities, people did see the real me - they instantly recognized that I was fun and smart. They saw that I was a little outside the status quo, but they didn't penalize me for that like I have been all of my formative years. 

I didn't see that, though. I was constantly shocked when I realized that someone had taken note of part of the real me (especially my sense of humor) and appreciated it. I was always like "how did they see that?" I didn't even see myself. 

The truth is that as hard as I have told myself that I have been fighting to be allowed to be my real self, all the criticism I've internalized over the years has been fighting my own ability to accept and approve who I am. 

The angel on my shoulder would tell me to wear that statement necklace or say that goofy thing, and the devil of internalized criticism would tell me I was crazy or wrong or was going to be made fun of. While those voices had initially come from others in my life, it has been "coming from inside the house" for a long time without me realizing it. 

Sure, I know we all have that inner critic, but this goes deeper. It is more insidious. 

This is the voice that told me I could/should/would never be a leader because I didn't matter enough. This is the voice that told me I needed to dress a certain way when I started a new job so I would be taken seriously. This is the voice that told me no guys could or would like me. This is the voice that has told me that I am nothing without my accomplishments. This is the voice that told me I was better off dead to the point that I don't understand why other people fear death. 

I always said it was other people keeping me down. At one point, that was the truth. At some point, it completely became me keeping me down. 

I am not wrong to be who I am. Who I am is funny, creative, strong, hurt, learning, and...well, i'm still maybe figuring it out. I don't need to keep trying to cram myself into the box others created of what I should accept. I need to be ok with me in order to BE me.