Today's meditation epiphany:
My entire life has been a battle of wanting to be my true self and criticizing/devaluing/hating that true self.
A lot of my problems with Mom, Dad, Lance, people in school, etc. has been that they constantly told me I was wrong - the way my brain worked was wrong (i.e., doing well in school without considerable studying, or just doing really well in school period, the kinds of clothing and decoration and entertainment I was drawn to, my general views/approaches/philosophy of life. I have always felt like I just wanted to be accepted and approved for who I am.
When I got to college, I started finding friends who do appreciate me for who I am. Over the years at work or at volunteering or theatre opportunities, people did see the real me - they instantly recognized that I was fun and smart. They saw that I was a little outside the status quo, but they didn't penalize me for that like I have been all of my formative years.
I didn't see that, though. I was constantly shocked when I realized that someone had taken note of part of the real me (especially my sense of humor) and appreciated it. I was always like "how did they see that?" I didn't even see myself.
The truth is that as hard as I have told myself that I have been fighting to be allowed to be my real self, all the criticism I've internalized over the years has been fighting my own ability to accept and approve who I am.
The angel on my shoulder would tell me to wear that statement necklace or say that goofy thing, and the devil of internalized criticism would tell me I was crazy or wrong or was going to be made fun of. While those voices had initially come from others in my life, it has been "coming from inside the house" for a long time without me realizing it.
Sure, I know we all have that inner critic, but this goes deeper. It is more insidious.
This is the voice that told me I could/should/would never be a leader because I didn't matter enough. This is the voice that told me I needed to dress a certain way when I started a new job so I would be taken seriously. This is the voice that told me no guys could or would like me. This is the voice that has told me that I am nothing without my accomplishments. This is the voice that told me I was better off dead to the point that I don't understand why other people fear death.
I always said it was other people keeping me down. At one point, that was the truth. At some point, it completely became me keeping me down.
I am not wrong to be who I am. Who I am is funny, creative, strong, hurt, learning, and...well, i'm still maybe figuring it out. I don't need to keep trying to cram myself into the box others created of what I should accept. I need to be ok with me in order to BE me.
