Last night, I did it. I ask Doug to start Couples Therapy.
It went about as well as I'd expected. He obviously didn't see a need and didn't want to, but kept saying that he'd said no when he was with Amy and learned that lesson. Except, he didn't. He started basically trying to reason me out of the need for it - asking what I hoped to get out of it (I said more of a Partnership around the house). It, of course, became me giving some examples of things I've asked his help on before and (again) he said "I can do that." I tried as tactfully but honestly as I could to tell him that this is the same road we've been done before and I fully expect the same results - which is how we got here. I explained that I've tried everything I know of on my side of the relationship and now, this is the only option I feel I have.
I told him I'd asked my therapist if she has suggestions of who to see, and he asked why wouldn't just do UAB free counseling (since that's what he and Amy did). I told him when I'd called for my own counselor more than a year ago that I was told they were overwhelmed and I never go assigned anyone even after following up. I told him that if he could call and see if he could get farther, that would be great (because either we would get a counselor or he would see what I was talking about). I honestly don't have much expectation he'll actually call - which means I'll ask him intermittently for the next week or so, he'll say he didn't have a chance or he forgot, and then he'll end up frustratingly saying to just schedule with one of my people it if matters that much.
What frustrates me the most is that I know he legitimately doesn't see any issues and legitimately thinks I haven't brought it up so feels blindsided. Fundamentally, our brains work differently. But I am finally admitting to myself that I cannot change this alone, I do not have the skill set to know how to translate what I think and feel in a way that registers with him, and that this is the invisible crossroad where we make decisions that will turn us into his parents or mine.
It's also so easy to fall into my defaults (only focusing on the negative and questioning whether it is just me so that I take all the responsibility and work to fix things). So, in an effort to stay aware, here's what I know:
- Doug is capable: When I broke my ankle and could barely move for a month, he took on not only all household duties but also coordinated the entire emergency hot water heater installation with no procrastination.
- Doug has made requested changes before: He has successfully taken on the responsibility of making weekday morning coffee to remove it from my routine since I have to get ready every morning. He has always been reliably in charge of taking the trash to the curb and keeping track of trash schedule. He sets out the reminder card for flea pill day. He more frequently empties the dishwasher.
- Doug has made concessions for me - He has put sex on the back burner because of my health issues and lack of interest. He turns off Gutfeld and Fox News when I come in room after telling him that it really impacts my mental state and I do not want to watch it. I feel reasonably confident that some of the cooking competition shows and maybe a couple other things we watch together, he watches because I want to even though he's not super interested. He makes sure to get up to hug and kiss me when I leave every morning or if I go to bed before him at night. He does thank me for cooking dinner (even if he wasn't hungry to eat it), recognizes that I do a lot to keep the house in shape, and lets me know how much he enjoyed a trip and appreciates me planning it.
- Doug has also not followed through on big requests that end up falling to me to complete - When we moved in together, we basically agreed that I would handle inside chores and he would keep the yard up. When he kept going months without cutting the grass, I researched and found the initial and the current yard care companies (which he complained about the cost of but also took no steps to find alternatives). I do recognize, though, that he pays for this service so maybe he translates that to upholding his part of the agreement to keep up the yard.
I asked him to handle getting the deck replaced - which he considered he did when he called one person who said they would do it even though we were put off more than a year while he did other projects and the deck became even more of a safety concern. So, I had to do the research to find options. After a lot of discussion, I agreed on a wood deck if he would find someone to handle the process of caring for it to protect it. He mentioned the permanent deck protection service, but after not actually looking into the companies for months, I did the research to choose one so we could actually get the deck treated before it started deteriorating. Same issue with the gate replacement and protection.
I asked him to help look into a UAB contact when Sherri applied for a job, and after asking him almost daily about it, he finally did after 2 weeks. I asked him to take over getting rid of the rust and getting the cast iron skillet usable again. He researched to find the item needed, but I actually had to buy it after he kept putting it off. The skillet is still not usable and the item I bought is still unopened.
- If I don't specifically ask (usually multiple times), it doesn't get done - That means I end up feeling like a mom constantly telling her teenage son what needs to be done. I raised the point last night that I feel like I have to mother him, and he was completely perplexed at how having to ask him every time I want him to complete a task is "mothering."
If I am requesting to do something one time (like "can you empty the dishwasher today?"), he'll do it. If I'm asking him to take the responsibility of continually doing something (like "can you empty the dishwasher whenever it is clean?"), I either have to be crying and upset (which still usually only means he'll follow through for about a month) or I have to be pissed off and yelling at which point he'll usually actually keep doing it.
It's kind of similar to being an addict (which I do think is part of his problem but it's not all of it) - the addict doesn't always experience reality because they are removed from it by the substances. Those around them know and remember exactly what happens during those periods so they more frequently feel hurt when the addict only focuses on what they remember - the times that weren't hurtful.
I'm not at the point where I want to leave because I really to believe that we just need a little help to course correct and get on the same path. But I also don't physically or mentally feel like I can continue to carry the task burden, the "don't bring up problems" burden, or the "we're having 2 completely different relationships" burden.
God, I hope something will help!
