As a follow up to the SKY Happiness classes I took last September or October, I spent this last weekend taking the 2nd level of courses: a silent meditation retreat from Friday 5pm to Monday 5pm.
The course apparently hasn't been offered in Birmingham in 5 or more years, but with the interest generated through the UAB partnership and classes, they decided to restart offering a silent retreat here (instead of having to travel to the HQ in North Carolina or another community doing what they did here). Morning arrival was 7am, and we ended at 9:30p every day but Monday. Meals were provided (and very tasty - especially considering they were vegetarian). Getting to go home helped keep costs significantly reduced (plus a UAB discount), but I was concerned about how not talking would go with Doug.
The organizers sent a email a few days before the retreat with all details we needed to know, and I forwarded it to Doug so he'd know my schedule and who to get in touch with if something came up. He replied with the sweetest email that meant SO much - he said he knew this was important to me and would do his absolute best to respect the silence. When I got home from work that day, he'd created and printed Silent Retreat signs to hang up as a reminder all weekend. He also said to let my family know to contact him if they needed me and he would contact the leaders. It was a level of commitment and responsibility I don't feel like I get from him sometimes - and I knew what a sacrifice it was for him to NOT have time with me over a 3-day Holiday weekend, so I swelled with validation and appreciation.
Of course, silent means no talking, but this extended to include not looking at your phone, scrolling, watching videos/tv, journaling, reading, etc. I actually did really well - I did kinda talk to myself like I often do and I had to give Annabel a few verbal commands when she didn't follow hand gestures. It also made me realize that while I often feel overwhelmed or that I HAVE to be involved with/responsible for so much, life was find without me. I am lucky that I actually have a pretty small life and can separate when needed.
There were a few people who had done 5+ silent retreats so during our 1st dinner (we didn't actually go silent until Sat morning), they were sharing what to expect. All of them mentioned that it will feel like a roller coaster, but I honestly thought they were exaggerating. I mean, I'm an introvert - this shouldn't be that hard. Sure, I was afraid of where my mind might go without distractions, but I thought that would be the extent of the challenges.
Friday night involved a lot of talking and sharing with different partners in the group - maybe partially so we were READY to nto have to talk for a while. Days were spent in 3-ish hour segments between meals filled with guided mediations (30-45 minutes each), light physical movement, and videos of lessons/teachings from Gurudev (the learned leader of this international program). Meal breaks were approx 1.5 hours during which we ate and went for walks outside (luckily we were right across from Rhodes Park on Highland so lots of nice areas to walk - though I was constantly worried I'd see someone I knew but not be able to talk).
The roller coaster started Saturday during some of the early meditations when voices inside me started screaming that I didn't want to be there, it would be so much nicer to be at home with Doug and Annabel, this was a waste of time, this wasn't for me... on and on in a surprisingly angry and aggressive way that almost felt like I was possessed. That dissipated a bit through the day, but by the time we were watching the final videos of the day in the last hour before we left, I could concentrate for just being DONE. I was thinking about how I was going to go straight to a shower when I got home and could not wait.
Sunday, I apparently turned off my second alarm accidentally when trying to silence my 1st one so I woke up on my own literally 10 minutes before I needed to walk out the door. I changed clothes, thru Annabel in bed with Doug, and ran out the door - no coffee and completely discombobulated. That set me up to be in THE worst, sour, irritated, angry, I-could-just-leave mood for the first hours of the day (through morning yoga movement, breathing practices, and breakfast). During my walk, I had a little talk with myself that I had to stop fighting and resisting this experience. I prayed for help giving up and giving in. The rest of the day went smoother and I started finding the meditations a bit easier to stay engaged with. At the end of day, I was ready to go home but nowhere near as over it all as I had been the night before.
Monday, I woke up on time and leisurely drank a little coffee (so I wouldn't risk a caffeine withdrawal headache) and permitted myself a little bit of TV since I was only hours away from no longer being silent. However, I had also not felt well since dinner the night before and woke up with overwhelming nausea (like I get when my acid reflux is bad). So, I very minimally took part in morning yoga and was conservative with breakfast. The nausea came and went all day, but it did get better. I don't know if it was because I had made it over the hurdle of the discomfort of the previous days or because the finish line was in sight, but I finally started feeling like THIS is what I was hoping/expecting to feel from the experience. The meditations felt easier - like they lasted a few minutes instead of the 30+ minutes. I much more easily felt peace instead of having to refocus my mind. I could understand why many people said that on the last day you may want to keep going - the good part felt like it was just starting!
A few lessons/takeaways:
1) I spend so much time and energy focusing on trying to do things "right" that I end up blind to the experience.
The first morning that we did the yoga movements I got frustrated that the leader wasn't clearly explaining each activity (plus we were supposed to have our eyes closed to "have our own experience" which usually translates into "so that no one feels self conscious") then I was frustrated that I was in such bad shape that I couldn't so them as well as the leader.
The 2nd morning - when I was in such a bad mood - I was pissed that I was even expected to do all this stuff because I didn't even want to be there anyway.
The final morning - when I was being very protective of myself as I was trying to get my stomach to settle rather than throwing up during sessions - I realized that none of this (movements or otherwise) was necessarily about doing it "right." Yes, the breathing processes are supposed to be completed in specific ways but even that has a bit of flexibility to do how it feels right for you. The movements, the lessons, all of it is not a bar to try to reach but a buffet of options to take what feels right to you.
2) This program is not a cult nor does it have expectations/requirements of how into it you get.
Shyam (who has taught both SKY classes and - I guess - runs the Art of Living center in North Carolina that is the HQ in this part of the country for Gurudev's teachings) shared at one point that these practices and teachings are rooted in ancient knowledge or realizations to try to offer ways to reduce stress and live a free life. However, these is no religious connection - it fits with your beliefs if you have them or doesn't try to get you to believe something if you don't.
Also, if something resonates with you, absorb it or adopt it. If it doesn't, let it go and move on. There are not Shoulds and Shouldn'ts.
3) I do really love Doug.
On Monday - as the meditations were getting smoother for me, we did one where you thought of someone you love or that makes you happy to bring awareness to the effect on your body, mind, spirit. I, not surprisingly, thought of Doug.
I immediately felt like I did the New Year's Eve when I decided I was going to sit with my leg touching his whether it was weird or not because I liked it. The warmth and tingles and radiance I had in the beginning came flooding back.
I have known that the hurt from when his addiction behavior was at its worst has been responsible for the rift I have felt for years. I have been trying to minimize it in various ways, but I just have not been able to set it aside and recapture that connection.
I am hoping that this is a promising start on a new chapter between us.
________________________
We were told that after being so disconnected for several days that we needed to ease back into our usual lived over the next few days. Again, I didn't expect this to really be much of an issue for me.
Then, yesterday happened. Sweet Jesus! Granted that I am eagerly awaiting glasses for my new prescription since I have been proven that my eyes are straining with my current glasses, but I swear I felt like I could not focus my eyes. Plus, I couldn't focus my mind - I would start to work on something and completely lose track of my thoughts. Hell, I couldn't hold a thought!
Today has been much better, and I do feel "clearer" and less overwhelmed than I did before the retreat. I can see how that dissipates the further you get from the retreat and why people redo them a few times a year. Guess we'll see from here.
