I feel like a lot of my epiphanies lately have had a common theme: shifting blame/responsibility from others to myself:
- realizing the self critical voices are not those of other people in my life but the internalization of those voices to the point that it is now my own
- realizing that my fixing tendency (which I thought was all about helping other) is actually all about protecting myself
Yesterday, I had a couple of new self-based realizations:
1) I learned to become completely attuned to others' energies as a survival mechanism growing up but now I was adapted that to the point that I naturally absorb the energy of those around me and cannot separate from it
- This leads me to set priorities based on what I think others' need (in reality, it is what they want) instead of focusing on what is actually a priority based on my needs
* This includes my propensity to jump at and respond to each email/Teams inquiry to fix a problem even when I need to be focused on the project at hand
- I end up feeling overwhelmed, resentful, and powerless that THEY are making me do so much. On the few occasions when I do step back and ask myself where the expectation ACTUALLY came from, it almost always is that I assigned the instant need to it on behalf of the other person rather than them actually saying "I need this now."
- Even just general negative or frantic energy in my environment - when no requests have actually been directed to me - triggers frantic and urgent response in me.
2) Reading more in Codependency No More last night, a phrase REALLY resonated with me:
"I've turned my problems into goals."
- This not only shifts the perspective from negative powerlessness to hopeful solutions, if also moves the locus of control from others to me.
- An example that immediately came to mind when I read this is my frequent frustrations that I feel like Doug doesn't consider me or prioritize my needs.
* I'm coming to realize that a big part of that is the wall I have built against openly sharing. Instead of Doug being the problem, I'm going to try to shift to a goal of becoming more open and see where that gets us.
It is becoming increasingly clear that to grow and improve from here to to where I want to be, I have to begin recognizing where the responsibility actually rests with me vs others because I CAN actually influences changes with/for myself. Also, I have to develop and hold to boundaries for myself to begin identifying MY energy and separate it from others' so I don't get overwhelmed or caught up.
