Last week, I started an online webinar and live coaching series with Kelli Thompson called "From Doer to Leader" focused on changing from a star performer to a coach and leader.
In the homework from the 1st class, Kelli responded to comment and asked about coaching me during the group session today:
Aha Moments about where you spend your time:
- I prioritize everyone else and allow them to control how I spend my time far too often.
- I literally don't think I've ever turned someone away who asked a question or asked for "a quick favor" - even when I was absolutely drowning at the moment.
- Part of that habit is because I also think "oh, I can do that real quick - no problem," but I'm recognizing that I end up losing so much time (and energy) having to figure out where I was before the interruption
The one-on-one coaching was great - we focused a lot on why I feel like all the responsibility falls on me, what it feels like in that situation, what would happen if I didn't take on all the responsibility, and how I really need to focus on what I need to do and accomplish instead of what I'm doing for others (that isn't really mine). It reiterated a lot of what I've been talking about with Frannie in therapy around my codependency.
After we were done talking, she opened it back out to the group about feedback or questions on her coaching process or the topic we'd discussed. I don't even remember what brought it up, but she said something about how sometimes taking on responsibility and feeling like we have to come up with all the solutions comes from being in the position when we were little because of our family situation. That may serve us well then and it becomes how we operate - even helps us get ahead in our careers until we become leaders. It leads to everything being heaped on us, and we have to figure out how - as leaders - to redirect that.
Well, the lightning bold came when I heard her say we learn that we have to find the solutions when we're little and it trains us for the rest of our lives. It finally connected that I DID have to solve my own problems because no one else in my life was (or as I refer to it - I raised myself).
I've always considered the codependency and being a fixer as being directed at everyone else and trying to fix them, but NO - I'm always solving my own problems because I've never had - or have never been able to trust - someone else to. That's literally all I want - and why I get irritated - so often... when do I get someone to solve MY problems?
It's almost insidious - like the revelation I had thinking my wounds have been inflicted by others all these years when really I had internalized everything to the point that it was my own voice tearing me down. It appears that I'm so focused on others and I'm such a helper (and it's THEIR fault that I have so much to do), but really, I'm the problem. I'm trying to protect myself, I'm trying to buffer against having to fix something else later, I'm making myself solve all the problems because I don't feel able to turn them over to anyone else (because I've never been able to).
Now that I realize it, it seems like such a duh! thing because I'm seen pieces of the realization puzzle here and there. It's like suddenly today all those pieces fit together just right for me to see the entire picture.
So, if I am the one causing myself this pain and these issues, hopefully I can also gain or develop the ability to move beyond them.
