Failure

 Last Wednesday night, I felt the conviction in the truest part of my soul that I had to fail. 

The ball started rolling last year when the new brewery in Hoover contacted us that they wanted to partner with us on a fundraising event after they opened. Rob - who is friends with the brewery owner - on our Junior Board was fired up about doing a new Junior Board event. With the opportunity for a venue partner and a JB member who was on my side, we went all in on ending the golf tournament and committing to the new event. 

From the beginning, however, Rob has pushed for the event to be a cook-off.  I have tried to push back equally hard because I KNEW the event was too big for us. With all kinds of bullshit life has thrown at everyone involved ON TOP of the size of the event, it has proven to have broken us (well, DEFINITELY has broken me). 

One of the stress points has been Alison (my boss') direction on the Junior Board ever since I took over. In addition to liking Alison as a person, I have also looked to her as a mentor and role model as I've been trying to develop into more of a fundraiser since my role has been expanded into that. However, she has repeatedly assigned the Junior Board unreachable goals (like $50,000 on a brand new event when we've struggled to hit $30,000 on a repeat golf tournament).

She also keeps telling me that I need to make the Junior Board "work for me instead of working for them" and that I need to stop stepping in to make things happen when they aren't doing it. This is the same woman who - on the JOH committee planning call which is HER event planning responsibility - was the sole speaker, got NO response when she asked for feedback/assistance, and who shoulders the entire event HERSELF. But I'm supposed to successfully function completely differently. 

Because I was trying to take her instruction to heart and NOT plan the entire event myself like is my nature, I purposefully made myself wait on doing things like writing the cook-off team rules, contact rental vendors for tent and table pricing, etc. - because these were tasks to assign to the Jr Bd. (The same Junior Board who I have barely seen in person and who hardly respond in virtual meetings for the last 2 years with COVID). Oh, AND factor into that my unexpected broken ankle last October that kept me out of the office for a month and my unexpected kidney stone on the night of the Nov JB meeting. So, we didn't actually start true event planning until late January. 

Of course, it isn't just Alison's fault. There's Rob - our self-appointed event chair - who has shrugged off every single challenge presented against doing a cook-off by swearing it would be easy...and then not doing a single damn thing until he FINALLY made a phone call to a portable restroom vendor last week (which he's been talking about for at least 3 months). 

Don't even get me fucking started on our brewery vendor partner. There's a reason why Jamie and Rob are friends - neither has a concept of reality when it comes to planning events. Though he presented our being able to use the brewery as our venue being his generous support of non-profits, he REPEATEDLY said that we had to bring in a certain threshold of audience to "make it worth it for them" to let us use the space. He questioned every candid answer I gave him about what I realistically thought we could bring to the table - telling us it wasn't enough. 

THEN, the brewery opened almost 6 months AFTER it was originally slated to open (and it really only opened then because they had already advertised and agreed to be the afterparty site for the Wine 5K/10K in March). The Event Director that I was instructed to work directly with for all my venue coordination barely responds to emails, has NO knowledge of critical things like the "stage" set up (their loading dock doubles at their stage). It took me 2 weeks and just happening to meet with him at the brewery where the parking plans were laid out for me to get the parking lot details I'd been begging for to plan. After just over 2 weeks (which, granted, the first week was when they were opening), I STILL haven't gotten the stage dimensions, fly weights, or other info I've requested to plan our sound/light production. 

When we first started discussing a new event format, I got the most input and energy from the Jr Bd I'd gotten in a long time, and I thought we truly were in a good, engaged place to work from for the event. But, between all my incidents and the recurrence of COVID at the end of last year, I get the feeling from a lot of the Junior Board that they are as overwhelmed and exhausted as I am.

It is both everyone's fault and no one's fault that this happened. In mulling this all over CONSTANTLY all weekend, I recognize every point where I wasn't true to myself and basically gave my power to others by trying to do what they wanted me to. I know that I have a past of being bitchy so I have been working really hard to be the opposite of that - just like I know I have a tendency to develop a complete plan in the first 10 minutes of discussing an event. Those are both things where, honestly, I excel and I shut them down because of people criticizing me for it. 

While I have absolutely been upset and depressed ever since making this decision (and, well, honestly since last year),  I also feel a certain peace that I can stop fighting against all the forces I have been fighting against trying my damnedest to make this happen. 

I guess failing and recovering is another life lesson I've learned at United Ability. I really am so thankful for these years I've had to explore my skills to try different things to confirm/discover what I'm really good at. I have no doubt that I would not have gotten the opportunity for Upward if I have not been here. 

I also hope that I have made lasting improvements for United Ability that will go on or are a strong starting place going forward. However, with each day, I am 100% convinced that my time here is coming to a close. I just hope my next step comes soon before I languish in an unfulfilling challenge to the point of once again decimating my health (which is already starting to show). 

Happy thoughts for a Monday!

A Case of the Mondays...or Depression?

 All weekend I was absolutely wiped. I managed to go to dinner and a comedy show Saturday night with Doug and our friends, and I chose outfits for my boudoir photos next weekend and cooked dinner Sunday. Other than that, my body felt like it has weights attached to it and I couldn't get off the couch. 

Today, I just constantly feel like breaking into tears - a feeling that had become all too commonplace. 

I constantly feel like a failure. When we first started planning this new Jr Bd event, it was Jamie (the owner of the brewery) who kept talking about all the big plans for the success of the brewery like it was so easy - 3800 people, live music on their stage/loading dock weekly, large scale fundraising events. When we'd talk about my realistic expectations for our event, he kept telling me not only that we were thinking too small but that we had to "make it worth them agreeing to dedicate the brewery to us all day." 

As we've gotten further into the planning process and had more conversations with the brewery (which, by the way, STILL isn't open after setting 4 different expected open dates), I realize that Jamie is a big talker but he does/knows zero about the actual particulars that he boasts about. So, he's part of what has made me feel like shit since last Fall. 

So, I'm not only battling to plan what is essentially two events in one (all day live music for a venue with no equipment and a food cook-off) but I'm also pushing against (at times through) the most crippling depression and anxiety I have felt in 20 years. 

Losing October to my broken ankle (which actually feels like months instead of weeks) and then a kidney stone that made me cancel the last meeting opportunity before the Holidays does, of course, make me blame myself for being so behind. The fact that the Junior Board members aren't more involved or that I've done so much fundamental planning without delegating to them makes me feel like an incompetent leader. 

Then, I also can't help but wonder - am I doing too much and trying too hard? Maybe I don't need to make sure we're adhering so closely to food and fire safety regulations. Are other events? Maybe we don't need to plan for as much volunteer help as I think we do for the 12+ hour event. Overachieving is so natural to me that I don't know where that "this is what is necessary" boundary crosses into "you're focusing way too much on what doesn't actually matter." 

Of course, because I don't know what is my fault and what isn't, I also don't know who or how to ask for help. I don't know... I just don't fucking know anything anymore. 

The fact that I cringe every time the phone rings. That I let out a heavy sigh when I keep getting semi-pointless on-campus volunteer requests (which I STILL don't understand WHY that is on my plate and have made a point to mention it in every annual review since it got dumped on me). That I want to yell "I'm just trying to survive my April event, lay off worrying about JOH" to people who are already offering to help. 

Oh yeah, and add to that another MASSIVE organization change - replacing my immediate boss who I have had a great relationship with - on top of my so-far-disastrous event planning. (All of this not even starting to mention the on-going partisan BS political hatred constantly spewing in society, on-going COVID concern, and war between Russia and Ukraine that may escalate to involve already-hurting countries internationally.)

And, how can I forget, the fact that I have the only drivable car in the family and have become defacto "do everything" representative. As well as Doug being constantly put out by us having to give H fluids every night - especially since he often bleeds and leaks from the needle entry point which means it's all going wrong even though anything that gets poked with a needle fucking bleeds. He keeps saying his frustration isn't with me but with the vet who didn't train us well enough, but how can I not take that personally when I WAS THE ONE THEY TRAINED TO POKE HIM WITH THE NEEDLE?! 

Yes, I'm devolving. Yes, I'm getting off topic. But this is the chaos that is constantly in my brain and on my back. I'm still dealing with almost constant discomfort in my ankle. I eat crap food because I don't have the energy (and Doug doesn't either or, frankly cares) to cook real food. I get in bed late because I have meetings or social hangouts (because I need something happy and nice) most nights after work. 

To quote McDonald's - I need a break today. 

But, I won't get one and probably won't until I'm ground down to nothing. 

Happy thoughts!

Suddenly in Focus

Yesterday morning, as I was once again feeling particularly stressed and completely inept planning the new Junior Board event at work, I decided to do a casual review of data positions on the Alabama Association of NonProfits site. I honestly partially do it to remind me that the situation I have is pretty good and the grass isn't greener so I should just keep plowing forward. 

However, I did find a position that seems to be what I've been looking for. United Way of Central AL is hiring a Salesforce Implementation Specialist. It's unclear whether the database would be used to manage clients, donors, both, but I noticed that either way, it is listed under IT instead of under Development. That gives me hope that scope creep into donor relationship management would be way less likely. 

As I started to reconstruct my resume (because I didn't have a Word doc handy of my most recent one), I was the most confident I have ever been tailoring my experience and accomplishments to match a job description. I was reminded of how much I truly enjoy (and how good at) data I really am. Data formatting, procedure creation/improvement, and reporting analysis is my jam! For people that are not into data, it's hard to explain, but solving those puzzles is what energizes me. 

In the Upward Leadership program, something that came up in an assessment with Allison Grizzle has stayed with me. My results showed that I stay in a state of major stress because the expectations others place on me (real or imagined) are so misaligned with how I am or how I see myself. Since I am such an introvert who is constantly placed in situations that require interaction with a range of people, I thought that was what it was. Yesterday, the lightbulb went on, and I finally realized what the assessment actually indicated. 

If I were following a career that fit my strengths (as defined by what energizes me), I would be in CRM or other nonprofit data. I enjoy being able to support staff who are helping make a difference in the lives of others. And, I have a wide variety of experience working with third-party CRM software to improve usage, making reporting more accurate and efficient, and reducing formatting/correcting work for mailing lists. Keeping data accurate and consistent is a full time effort, but data usually falls under Development where every resource (ie, employee) must be used to bring in revenue AND where the supervisor is not tech-saavy/data-minded to understand or respect the needs of data. 

My weaknesses (as defined by what drains me) is all of the revenue-goal, relationship-building donor/volunteer management that I have not only been thrust into but have been pushed further and further into. For my upcoming goals, Alison added that not only would I regularly contact mid-level donors but that I also had to start CALLING them. My anxiety-ridden introvert heart almost threw up at the prospect. 

Because I have a helper mindset and am willing to try/learn how to do anything, I have wedged myself to try to fit in the event planner, relationship manager, volunteer coordinator boxes, but there are important elements of that box (like focusing on the "fun" or volunteer/attendee experience) that I often overlook because my data mind defaults to the logistics rather than that non-tangible elements. 

Suddenly, everything that I have looked down on myself for not being able to do (or not being able to do as well as I think I should) came into focus as being problematic because it isn't natural for me. I don't mean this as in "well, you can learn to do it" or "asking for money is uncomfortable for me." I mean it as in "this is so far outside my brain wiring - not just comfort zone - that my body constantly feels like it had to exist in a threatened mode." 

When I was doing my personal development in 2018/2019, I realized that I tend to lash out, be bitchy, be negative, etc. because I exist as an injured animal - trying to protect my already weakened self from additional trauma because I never feel like I am able to start recovering. I have been looking (as is the traditional answer) as my childhood, at my relationships, etc to try to recognize the root of my trauma and address it. 

A few weeks ago when I recognized the correlation between how I felt when I decided I needed to leave Red Cross and the feeling that my constant "ineptitude" in my position is beginning to affect United Ability negatively, the pieces started coming together. Allowing myself to recognize the relative confidence and (honestly) joy I felt for the first time in a long time at the prospect of this data-specific job brought it all into focus. The trauma that I've been fighting isn't the self-doubt and hurt from years ago, it is how I have been contorting myself to fit where my skills don't belong. 

And I don't blame anyone for it, really. As I said, data is not valued as much as it needs to be in non-profit, and the ones that hire for it are doing so because it is so far outside their skill set so they don't understand what a challenge it is to mold a true data person into a fundraiser. From the other side, data is seem as a corporate or programming career so when you're breadth of data experience is managing, maintaining, and improving third-party software, the correlation is overlooked. So, I am an outlier without a corollary peer to help guide or coach me to land in my best fitting job. 

So, this self realization is wonderful and, in some ways, takes some of the judgement off my shoulders for not being the relationship manager that I've been needing to be. However, IF I don't get this position, where do I go? If I go to another non-profit starting in a data position with Development, there is an overwhelming likelihood that scope creep with once again set in with fundraisers - like in a horror movie - approaching me like fresh meat to become "one of us!" I don't have the programming language knowledge needed to shift completely into a more typical data job, and I don't have the time or energy (since my correct job leaves me in a state of constant overwhelm) to gain specific training. 

All I keep thinking about is when Elizabeth Hunter connected me to Catherine Sloss to interview to be her personal assistant. It seemed like a perfect fit AND it seemed like I had been thrown a promising life raft to escape the similarly daily feeling-like-I'm-fighting-for-my-life position with Tony at Tire Pros. What the job that had excited me so much fell through, it made the job I was stuck in even more miserable. I can absolutely see a similar detrimental spiral happening again. Last time, it took such a toll on my health that I literally almost died. 

HOW do I not dwell on hoping to hear back from the UWCA job and focus on ALL the crushing work I have to do? HOW do I not crumple and break into a million pieces if the job doesn't work out? How do I not completely let everyone at UA down and set them up for failure if I do leave? 

I don't ask that last question to toot my own horn. Not only because of COVID but also losing our longterm CEO, bringing in our new CEO, our well-known specialized Clinic doctor leaving suddenly, and being ongoingly shorthanded in many programs, United Ability is already stretched to its limit and feels like it is teetering on the edge. I am spearheading planning for the new Junior Board event at the end of April, and Alison (my boss and our Chief Development Officer) has announced she is retiring at the end of April. SO, if I leave, the team would be gutted during a time when the last things everyone needs is ONE MORE THING. 

Honestly, I just keep wanting to break down in tears. Of course, I've felt like that for months now for a variety of reasons. That probably is the best sign that something isn't right in my life :)

At this point, I have no control over the potential of the new job or potential timing if I get it. I am TRYING to let go and let God, but I'm also TRYING to hold it all together. Guess we'll see what wins...

No More "What Else," Please

 Well, we're officially one full month into 2022. 

For months (literally since October or November of last year), I've been meaning to sit down to gather and record my thoughts on what was a helluva year. BUT, every time I was going to do it, something else happened!

I guess I should say that 2021 started in an unbelievable fashion with Doug proposing only seconds into the year. I had completely written off the possibility of a proposal since Doug had talked about needing to get this grandmother's ring then about getting a copy made of the ring then of going to buy a ring - none of which had been able to happen with the world still effectively shut down from COVID. BUT, he had secretly coordinated with his parents to get the ring and propose. 

We had already decided (which was part of the journey for me to be ok with the idea of marriage) that the perfect date was 11/13/21 (the exact reverse of our initial anniversary of 12/31/11). Having that project to focus on for the year helped give me direction (I realize now looking back). COVID has continued to complicate every part of life - especially since it seems like life is getting back to a version of normal then there is another spike or a new version. So, the wedding was a guiding force. In fact, my these words for the year were "Forward" and "Let go" because I knew there were going to be challenges with the process so I wanted to put it in the universe to help me through it all. I ended up needing that more than I thought!

As Doug and I started discussing, making plans, developing guest list, etc., I started uncovering and facing my life-long discomfort with being focus of attention. The idea of being "the Bride" was really unsettling - especially since Doug is way more of the "star" than I am. I was very thankful for the excuse of COVID for not having any bridal showers, engagement parties, etc. I was able to only have one, small "bachelorette" trip with Lori, Jennifer, Angela, and Stephanie - and it was absolutely perfect. 

As far as decor or other operational parts of wedding planning, I definitely was comfortable standing on my own and not falling for "supposed to." But I felt a little guilty that Mom wasn't having the experience of "Mother of the Bride" - even though I know that's not her thing, either. 

Then, came the morning of Oct. 5, 2021. I got up to take Annabel out to potty at 3:30 in the morning. She had been digging in the yard a lot because we'd been having lots of rain and the dirt was soft. Because of that, we only took her out on a leash. SO, I was walking down the wooden deck steps to follow her into the yard on the leash when I slipped as soon as my left foot touched the last step. I can't stand to relive the entire experience in detail, but suffice it to say that Doug and I ended up in the ER. Later that morning, I ended up in surgery to implant a plate and pins to fix the 2 broken bones and displaced joint in my ankle. 

For next 5 weeks, I could not put any weight on my ankle so I lived with a knee scooter and walker. Doug had to pretty much take care of everything. Good news was that I would be walking for the wedding - but only by a few days. I did have to wear my stability boot for the wedding, and while I was comfortable enough for the wedding, I had A LOT of pain and swelling the day before and for almost a week after. 

Because we had already planned to have a last morning ceremony and a brunch menu reception, we had tried to clue everyone in that it was going to be an early start day for the wedding (even before I broke my ankle). Even keeping it simple, we needed to be at the location by 7am to start getting ready to start photos by 8/8:30a so we could be done by 10:15a to give plenty of time before guests started showing up for the 11am ceremony. 

I was a little frustrated when Laura K and Emily made comments about how hard that would be. Lori made one joke about it then let it go. Funny they were all complaining when they didn't have to try to get ready with a broken foot, too, but whatever :)

Dad called me - I think it was the morning of the rehearsal dinner, but it could have been the day before - to let me know that Mom was not comfortable staying in a hotel after the rehearsal dinner in Birmingham so they were going to come over for rehearsal, drive back to Anniston, then get up early morning of the wedding to come back to Birmingham. Because of that, he wanted to know if they could be on site closer to 8am so she could have more time in the morning to get ready. I said that was fine, we chatted a little more, then we hung up. Doug had gone outside to smoke, and when I got off the phone, I started crying - not because my feelings were hurt but because I somehow felt a relief like I had never known. I no longer felt (and still don't) feel guilty about my frustrations towards Mom or feel like I'm responsible for her or her happiness. I don't know if it's because I suddenly felt like Dad IS doing that himself or if it's because I realized that I haven't made up her neediness. Either way, I still feel like it was a momentous turn in my relationship with her. 

The wedding really was amazing. It could not have been more perfect, and in some ways, I feel like my broken ankle was a blessing. It gave something else to focus on instead of "me." It gave me something to almost hide behind or use as an excuse. I do hate that my ankle kept us from our originally planned honeymoon in Cancun, but we still had a great local honeymoon. 

The wedding kind of still carried me through the Holidays because the photographer sent me the images a few weeks before Christmas so I got to focus on printing them for gifts and created our wedding album during my work Holiday break. 

So, once I got back to work for the first of the year, I really didn't have anything to focus on except this new event for the Junior Board. I was SO excited about it when we first all agreed to get rid of the golf tournament to develop a family friendly community event in partnership with the brand new Brock's Gap Brewing Company in Hoover. As we've hit setbacks and I've hit walls of the end of my abilities, my spirit and excited about it has eroded.

I recently realized that I am - and possibly have been for a while - in a deep depression. I keep waiting for the tide to turn and for me to lift out of this so I can function, but I am realizing that is not coming. I have been doing my best to force myself out of the mire and start fighting forward...then I got COVID. Luckily I've just had really bad cold symptoms, but that coupled with the depression is just about bringing me full stop again. 

Today, I felt better - I was determined to push forward and start making this event happen. Then, in this morning's team meeting, Alison (my boss of almost 6 years) told us she is retiring in April. Punch in the gut. Rug ripped out. At the same time, also... shoulder shrug because with all the other endless distress, upheaval, etc., this feels par for the course. 

In some ways, it's gratifying because I have wondered how the hell she manages to keep up with all her work, family, personal, social, and other responsibilities that I know of (which means there are 10x more I don't know about) when I constantly feel like I am crumbling with my 1/10 of what she's dealing with. That fact that she has to let go of this big piece to manage the others means that maybe I'm holding on better than I thought. 

I also feel like maybe I'm starting to recognize the storm on the horizon the universe is whipping up. 

Right before COVID started, I was dealing with lot of career uncertainty - whether United Ability was the right place, if my position is the right thing, etc. With COVID, I felt that "blooming where I was planted" was the right thing and my purpose. With the pain that I have encountered trying to develop the Jr Bd event, I realized this morning that those feelings are similar to how I felt at Red Cross before I left - that I didn't have the skill set needed for where they were going and that I was turning into a hindrance. 

Maybe the feeling that the needs of my position are starting to expand beyond my abilities and Alison's now-departure, maybe the universe is also prepping me for a course for some sort of new professional journey. For now, I'm not actively looking for trying to focus a lot of energy on actively pursuing that avenue of thought, but I'm trying to stay open to whatever may be on its way. 

The theme words that came to me for 2022 are "Enough" and "Still," I was very aware that this words (like I feel my words are every year) could be a promise or a curse for the year. 

Right now, honestly, I'm just trying to make it to the end of the week. 

Expert? Yes, I am

 First the first time, I embrace being an expert. 

I have been involved in the UAB Non-Profit Biz Class with Annetta for 3 years now. I have shied away every time she has referred to me as an expert, but last night I finally embraced it. 

Because my non-profit career has been purely on experiential learning, I have discounted my knowledge because I don't know proper terms and I'm afraid of being call on that. But, I DO know things. I HAVE learned a lot, and maybe there is more value in not knowing everything "by the book." 

More and more, I recognize the on-going impact of the "change" I underwent during the pandemic to embrace my job, my knowledge, and who I am overall. 

Hopefully, I can start to provide even better assistance to the UAB students going forward - Lord knows that being a part of the class has helped ME tremendously!

...Fear Itself

 Something happened yesterday that upset me. Upset me immensely. Upset me more than it really probably should have. 

Mom had forwarded me yet another email and directed me to the video links at the bottom of the newsletter that outlined things "we need to know about the coming COVID-19 vaccine." In the body of the email she sent - which she seems to spout in every email she sends, like she has drunk the Kool-Aid hardcore, she said that it was important to get out because it was being censored and she was taking a chance even sending it because it has gotten that bad. (insert eye roll here)

Still, I believe you can't just shoot things down or criticize if you don't know what they have to say - there could actually be valid info in the video like some of the others she'd sent. So, I listened to it while I worked at about 3:30 in the afternoon.

It was a video from Dr. Carrie Madej - a homeopathic doctor in GA - warning about all the ways that the COVID vaccine was going to ruin humanity. This wasn't your typical "vaccines cause injury" stuff like the other videos. This was "the vaccine will take over our DNA and we will become property of the Government" and "they are trying to use nanotechnology robots to implant into us and data mine information to report back to the government." I - or someone else - may be reading this way in the future and thinking "so someone DID know back then!" but I doubt it. 

Not only were her claims outlandish, but she offered literally no data to support it. If you listened closely, every "statement" was actually couched as "being possible" or "could happen" - NOT the "definitely coming" message she was presenting. She even had the audacity at one point to say "Do the research yourself!" 

So, I did. I searched the internet for many of the key points and companies she was bringing up. I couldn't find information - even from questionable conspiracy sources - to support what she was asserting. 

I tried to keep my response back to Mom tempered, but it was unequivocally the harshest I've sent yet. I laid out my objections but also gave the room that maybe this was not a truly representative video of the information Dr. Madej typically presents. I did say, though, that if it is, I'm drawing the line at listening to anything else she had to say. Mom's response was just "well, it's at least good to be aware of such things."

The thing is, though, I had a cortisol explosion response like I have not had to anything in a while. I was trying everything I could to calm down - deep breathing, sweets, music, distracting myself with a project, retail therapy. It had just gotten under my skin so much, and I couldn't figure out why. 

Finally, it hit me - it was the baseless fearmongering. It was the fact that SO MUCH of my formative life was spent in and limited by FEAR. 

That lead me to realize one of the foundations of my relationship with Mom and why I had always had this sense that I needed to protect her (even from my own voice and disagreement with the healthcare choices she made for me). Mom has always presented herself as (and I think regarded herself as) a victim - of Sue, of Dad. 

Because she and I spent so much time together, I constantly heard the messages of anxiety and fear that she felt about so much. That became normal to me - and was ingrained in my psyche even though I didn't agree with a lot of it. But, since I felt like she needed me, she needed an ally, I had to just go along. And I felt any "attack" on her so deeply and personally. 

I have transferred that to other people in my life. I've always taken on people in a victimized, weakened state to try to fix (i.e., Sarah and others) that eventually exhausted and weakened me. I've fought back against people who exhibited the same constant victimhood and weakness (i.e., Darlene and the secretary at Red Cross). I knew that those were some sort of response to my relationship to Mom, but I didn't know why or how. 

Mom was my world growing up. I knew it was unhealthy, and I think she knew it was unhealthy. But neither of us knew what to do about that. My only tool was to push her away and assert my independence. But that also made me sad. 

Hopefully as I start to understand these intricacies of our relationship - and the basis of my fear response, I can start to reweave our interactions and my reaction to situations that echo those experiences. Boy, 2020 is serving up wallops, but some of them are seeds of growth. 

RIP Pole Dreams

 As my restless mind was whirling last night, I suddenly had a realization: I am not going to be a pole dancer. And that's ok. 

Ever since I discovered Studio Steel a few years ago, I have been pushing myself (financially and fitness-ly) to be able to get back to taking classes. For some reason, I was drawn to it and really want THIS to stick. 

I also didn't want to be a failure...again.

Today, I've been thinking back to other things that I have REALLY wanted (and tried) to be:
- dancer
- piano player
- singer
- bellydancer
- pole dancer
- ukulele player

These are all part of the image I've had of myself of who I WANT to be, not of who I am. And, I realize it was valid for me to at least check these things out. 

However, the fact that they didn't "take" or that the skill/talent didn't develop doesn't mean that I'm a failure. It just means that it wasn't actually for me - and that's ok. 

I'm trying to recognize and give gratitude to those things in my life that were interesting, brought a new experience, or helped set me on a new path when I needed it but didn't actually take root to grow. I think I can assign that value to everything on this list. Something DID come from them, just not what I intended. 

I need to stop grasping at or mourning the version of myself I had in my head growing up - and that I think I still have. I have to truly start embracing myself as I am and as I'm becoming. 

Another part of the transformational growth I've been undergoing recently is realizing (yes, I'm intentionally using that word a lot) how often I have told myself or accepted as fact that I cannot do something. Not because it has been proven that I can't or because I tried and couldn't - just because "well, I'm me. Therefore, it isn't possible." 

Starting to fill and claim that value by beginning to question "why can't I?" is stoking an energy deep in me. I have finally started to feel like I am no longer that insecure teenager - an energy that I have drug along like a safety blanket - and finally like I am a powerful, intelligent woman who CAN.