This morning, I made a really big step for myself and my happiness at home - I asked Doug to help me figure out a way to make sure I can watch a story-based TV show with no interruptions every night or be ok with me going to the Living Room to do it by myself.
I tried to draw the parallel between him using substances to quiet his mind and escape at the end of the day. The way I do that is by losing myself in a TV show story. I pointed out that this is a point of contention that comes up often - usually me shouting at him to be quiet or stop jumping between shows/stopping shows every 5 minutes. I tried to also tell him that one reason why I'm on my phone so much at night is that I am trying to find that "escape" to try to quiet my brain - I know he gets irritated with me being on my phone and I get irritated because I can't find that "peace" I'm trying to find.
He got quiet and, of course, went outside to smoke. He said that it caused him anxiety because what he enjoys most at the end of the day is watching TV with me and discussing what is happening. He brought up once again that I often come home late and go to bed early, and that this might mean we don't get to spend time together. He even said, "How have we been able to be together so long when we're so different in how we function?"
I told him that it's generally because I'm putting myself and my needs aside to do what he wants. I told him that when I was working out after work that I would stress myself out and imposed a deadline of 6:00 for me to go home to make sure that I didn't take too much time to be away since I knew it was especially important to him for us to spend time together since that's his love language. I also told him that was one reason why I would get so frustrated with him being asleep when I came home - I was rushing and stressing myself out to get home to make him happy then he wouldn't even be awake to spend time with me.
BUT after we had argued about that, I had changed the script in my head to look at it as an opportunity to have time to myself like I needed instead of getting mad at him.
I feel pretty confident that he'll ultimately come around. It'll never be as relaxing as it is when I'm by myself completely absorbed into a show, but I'm trying to find a compromise we can both work with. Of course, I'm also pretty hurt (as much as I'm trying to convince myself I'm not) that he reacted like he did because (1) it brings up all the feelings of being a bother that I had growing up with my family and (2) it makes me feel like my needs aren't as important.
The truth is that I have been constantly trying to bend myself, my happiness, and my needs to fit situations at work and at home - making everyone else happy and making myself miserable. I have tried so many other things to shift or adapt my needs, but somethings - like time to myself and losing myself in TV - are fundamental to how I operate. Fighting them just continues to wear me out.
For weeks (well, really longer, but I'll go with that for this example), I have felt like my brain never shut off. I could never really relax - even reading at the end of the night, I couldn't even recall what I was reading because my mind was still whirling from the day. The ONLY times I felt my mind clear and my body relax was (1) when I was watching a movie this weekend while Doug was gone and (2) last night when I was watching The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina on Netflix. Those experiences really brought it home how much I need to zone out into a story without stops, without discussions.
I'm proud of myself. It probably should have been easier to ask for than it was, but between his reaction and me not being used to standing up for myself, it wasn't. I tried really hard not to apologize and not to back off of what I was asking. I tried to present my side and my viewpoint so he would understand more.
There are recurring irritations that we don't TALK about - we snap at each other about them, but we don't really work on resolving them. I am finally to the point where I have tried all the health/physical interventions I can find to make myself happier - I have to now make fundamental life changes. Home should be where I'm happy and comfortable - of course, I DO have to work with him on that. It can't ONLY be how I want things, but he also doesn't know what I need/want without me telling him.
We'll see what happens, or what he says, or what the energy is when I get home - IF he's even awake since he hasn't been when I've gotten home so far this week. I just know SOMETHING has to give somewhere.
