I was listening to the most recent episode in Hilary Rushford's You're Welcome podcast - Ep 15: Healing Anxiety, Perfectionism + People Pleasing Oh My - and felt a lot of the personal development mental deep dives and other work that has been swirling in my head a year finally find somewhere to lock into place.
On our way to Chicago in May, I started reading one of Brene Brown's earliest books about perfectionism. I got to a part about the power of shame, and felt the beginning of something trying to open. I recognized that shame is a BIG part of why I operate the way I do and why I have had SO much active anxiety around big projects (which is part of what has lead me on a more focused personal development journey in the last year). But, I also felt like I was still blurry around what this exactly meant.
Hilary was sharing about EMDR therapy that she underwent last fall and how it looks at what she calls "lower case 't' traumas" because they drive the 95% of subconscious thought that is what drives our natural reactions in life. She was talking about capital T vs lower case t traumas, and I realized that I have basically been telling myself that my experiences had not been serious enough to have the kind of severe impact that they've had on my life because they didn't check those exceptionally severe boxes like assault or abuse. In listening to her today, I realized that my experiences did still cause valid hurt that I have carried with me and absolutely informs my behavior.
In listening to her talk about how our stories of what happened to us at younger ages when we didn't really have control over what happened to us and then didn't get the assistance/validation/etc that we needed affected how we cope and behave, my experiences - or "stories" as she called them - started flooding back and starting to make sense about how they track to now because I was finally allowing them to. So, here's goes at capturing some of them of the ones that haunt be recurringly or otherwise make an impression to see if I can make connections...
- Coming home in 1st Grade and telling everyone that I made a 100% on my report card. Dad told me that I needed to make sure I studied and because I wouldn't always be so lucky.
- Lance manipulating me into sexual experiences for a few weeks that included being naked, performing oral sex (me on him, him on me), him attempting to penetrate me, and kissing. I think this was in late First/early Second Grade. I know that he was dating Christina at the time who he lost his virginity to at age 13 (Marsi told me once) which means I would have been 6 or 7 years old, and I think it was in summer. More than the loss of innocence, shame, or secrets of it, the pain that I have always connected to it is that he was my hero and we had a very close relationship before that. Afterwards - which may have been because of this or may have been because he started dating more - I was discarded and no longer a priority at all to him. Since I didn't really have friends, it left me feeling further alone and devalued.
- Dad and Lance constantly telling me I was fat or making me feel bad about my physical appearance, which was then echoed by Freeman at school.
- Until Margaret and I started being friends in late elementary school (which was very one-sided and really only solidified after I blew up and hit her when she was whipping me with a shirt in the locker room in 4th or 5th grade), I only remember having 2 close friends - next door neighbor Josh and backyard neighbor Kristin (who stopped being my friend in early elementary - don't remember when exactly - because I slapped her because she soaked me with a hose). I remember being friends with Richard at school in early elementary but did not hang out beyond school. Carisa and I didn't become friends until middle or early high school. Other main friend was Michael at church that we also flirted with and teased me with the possibility of dating but never did because he always dated girls from school instead.
- Almost my sole identity was having good grades and good behavior. Lance was constantly acting up. I didn't - maybe to compensate.
- I remember a lot as a kid playing alone. I remember some asking Mom to play or asking her for a hug and being refused because she was busy, she was anxious, or she didn't grow up hugging.
- In kindergarten at Saks First Baptist, I remember praying to ask God to take away the pain of a kid who had hurt himself and give it to me.
- In college, I remember having a conversation about what would make me happy. The only response that I could think of was that other people got what they wanted.
- In high school, I often had a fantasy of walking out of class to sit in the cement bleachers at the football field all by myself for the rest of the day or to otherwise run away to be by myself.
- I spent SO much of my childhood creating fantasy versions of my life, experiences, and companions to escape into to try to find an alternative to my reality.
- I remember wanting so bad to have someone to talk to about the depression and hurt that I was feeling in late elementary and middle school. I started writing poetry at this time - some of it very dark. I tested the waters showing it to people as a "safe" way to try to see if I could share my feelings. Most people just focused on the writing itself instead of the tone or messages. I kind of remember Mom asking something about it I was ok or the feelings in the writing, but it seems to worry her so I played it off. I stopped trying at some point and just turned everything inward or retreated to TV.
- When we went to a family therapist when Lance got Vicki pregnant, I remember being SO excited because I was finally going to get to talk to someone and maybe have someone listen to/care about me. The therapist asked me maybe 4 questions about how I felt about the situation - basically still all focused on Lance - and didn't ask anything about me. I think Dad may have been in the room with us. I once again felt like I didn't matter so shouldn't speak up.
- Mom treated me or used me as her friend and confident a lot growing up. She definitely talked to me - probably more than a parent should - about how disappointed she was with her life and marriage. I know that I felt uncomfortable often with the closeness between us and may have empathized her hurt feelings. I KNOW that the distance I still keep between us is part of the coping mechanism I developed growing up to try to mitigate the pain I felt from her and trying to puch her away from sharing things I didn't want to know/hear.
- I have never felt as close to Maw-Maw and Paw-Paw as Lance did. I have never felt as close to any of my extended family as Mom, Dad, and Lance seem to. I always felt somehow separate or different. I would say I was closest to Grandmom and Granddad but not to anyone outside of that.
- When I think of myself basically through moving our for college, I just see myself as very alone. Anytime I think about anyone I tried to connect with - no matter how big or small - I feel some sort of betrayal, being used, or otherwise being devalued/manipulated in return.
- When I asked Mom and Dad of rides to go places (i.e., church, spur of the moment trips to Margaret's house, the few spend the night invitations besides the group b'day party at Tiffany's house in early elementary), I was either flat out refused because I needed to plan or they tried to pawn me off on each other to take. I felt like such a burden and not important enough for them to change their plans (which were usually cleaning the house, doing laundry, working in the yard, or watching racing/football on TV). I absolutely still internalize and feel that completely. Those were may attempts to be social and connect to something outside the pain of the house, but it was so hard and painful that I know I stopped trying ultimately.
- I didn't realize until after I moved out HOW negative my family always was. There was not really encouragement that we could or should try to do something. It was expected that I would make top grades, but that was about it. I kind of remember Mom and Dad giving some praise when they saw the couple of plays I was in, but I also remember the ordeal of figuring out a new schedule for rehearsals or dropping me off for play prep was a huge inconvenience.
- Mom and Dad's constant fighting. Mom putting herself down as well as Dad, Lance and me doing it. I certainly have some loving memories with them all, but they get overshadowed by the negativity a lot. Like Lance's few violent and rage-filled outbursts.
- I never felt like I was completely able to be myself or express myself. I don't know whether it was size, money, or Mom trying to keep me in acceptable styles, but I remember my clothing shopping being restricted and basic. Some of the few outfits or accessories that were truly my style stick with me but I think it's one reason why I have so many clothes that are so varied now).
- I also didn't have much say in how I decorated my room. I have little pockets that I was resigned to - like my bedroom/closet doors at Lenwood or the cork board on Ayers. I would get to buy some decorative items on my own, but I don't remember feeling like a lot of my stuff was chosen for me or still had to fit in a certain approvable category. I know for a fact that this has translated to my decorative and artistic tastes since.
- I remember feeling like I was supposed to be a reader and supposed to like books. Maybe books was the only purchase that I felt like I could make for myself. I used to be addicted to buying books - sometime getting books I thought I was supposed to like in elementary school but didn't actually. I've always been a slow reader and have never read as much as I sort of made it out that I did. I was embarassed by that but was trying to find an identity in it.
Whoa! That was a lot that's been swimming in my head for a long time. Even though I've definitely had a lot of these thoughts before, I have not really given myself permission to express them. What's more - almost all of these are things from before I was 18.
Hopefully now that these thoughts are recorded and not just in my head, I can either put them aside or start to deal with them to find resolution for current behaviors that continue to cause me pain.
