Today, I realized why I have such complete "fight or flight" surges of cortisol at work - and have had at so many jobs in the past. AND why this seems to have only started when I got into the work world.
Just as I was saying yesterday about personal values, these moments of cortisol overload seem to come when something happens that is in direct not only opposition but violation of my values.
For example - this morning, I have come up with a plan before I got to work (as I often do) of tasks that I needed to get accomplished, plans to start putting in place to solve irritations with my position/department for the future, etc. Yet, once again - as soon as I walked in the door, I found out that the GIG computer screwed up again so GIGs couldn't clock out yesterday or in this morning. Here's what I can identify about why this pissed me off so fucking much with relation to my values:
- Loss of Control - All I want is to be able to work on other responsibilities and projects that need my attention (like gift deposits from the last 2 weeks, VVG planning, etc) like I had planned, but this other project continues to snatch my attention and energy.
- Never a Sense of Accomplishment - Every time I think I may be getting a handle on GIG to where I can put it to the side for a minute and refocus, I have to start the solution-finding cycle all over again.
- My Time Being Devalued - I continue to feel with all of the entire volunteer coordination job that it was dumped on me because (1) no one else feels it's important enough to use someone else's time and attention and (2) that my time isn't important enough to reassign it elsewhere.
Of course, once the cortisol starts to pump because of one stimulus, it shadows any and everything else that comes into my path for the next 20 minutes until it subsides (assuming it doesn't get triggered again in that time).
Even in typing this, I was reminded of anxiety management tips from Loretta Breuning. She talks about the trigger of the fight or flight response and how it does take 20 minutes for the initial chemical release to dissipate to at least half so it feels manageable again. But, it also has to not be retriggered in that time. You have to figure out a way to remove yourself from the situation and distract your brain activity in that time so that you can get to a calmer state.
I remember now that when I first read about that when I was having my crippling anxiety last year, I brought a coloring book, found hand exercises, choose head/neck/shoulder exercises to do, etc. to help distract but also provide other benefits.
I need to return to those solutions and also learn to recognize what is setting me off so that I can find more permanent and more specific solutions to maybe mitigate the "attack" happening again.
***Later update***
So, I just figured out an analogy for why I am always so drained and why I always feel like I've had to fight my way to do things. So many parts of my life are in conflict with what I need to feel recharged or to access my happy place that it feels like I am having to complete all tasks using only my left hand - I CAN do it, but it makes everything tremendously harder and doesn't come out as well as it would if I used my dominant hand. Not only that, but it often feels that if I try to sort of assist with my right hand (i.e., handing off a project to someone else, asserting my needs), someone swoops in and not only bats it away and fastens it tighter and farther away (i.e., the person that is "helping" me makes it worse when I take the project back, I'm placated on asserting myself rather than actually being helped).
I am so tired of fighting.
