As I come down off the dopamine and serotonin high from the weekend's activities, I started feeling overwhelmed and depressed by my feelings of failure with the golf tournament at work which then started to color everything else (oh yeah, and the alarm woke me from an incredibly frustrating dream). So, today is fun already, but I'm trying to gain different perspective and grow from this.
Something I realized this morning is that I grew up trying to be shrink in the family. I wanted to be the one that didn't cause trouble since Lance was a constant challenge with all his shit, Dad was always angry, and Mom was always anxious. I didn't want to add to the problem. On the few occasions when I did try to assert my needs (i.e., "can someone give me ride to this activity"), there was a heavy sigh and Mom or Dad either asking the other to do it or complaining as they did it.
When I flashed on this today, it not only brought a lot of feelings flooding back, but it also helped me connect some important dots on my overall approach to things. I take on too much - constantly. I don't ask for help, I don't trust that I'll get help if I do, I try to "be no trouble."
This morning on the way into work, one of my co-workers asked if I'd gotten some logo items together as a welcome gift for our new department intern (since I'm his supervisor). I had not even thought about that since I've been overwhelmed with the golf tournament and volunteers. As I started to text back "oh, I'll do that when I get in," I realized there was no reason to take that on since she was offering. I erased the text and said that would be helpful.
It's these seemingly little moments that I pass over constantly. I grouse under my voice about things that Doug doesn't do to help around the house, but I also don't know how to (so shy away from) asking him to help with them. How many things the Jr Bd needs to do have I just said I would do (or have done myself) so I didn't bother them that have set up this dynamic?
I have also noticed lately how I have a surge of rage whenever someone questions or shrugs off a plan that I've presented. I get territorial of duties so easily and feel insulted when I really shouldn't. I don't completely understand this response, and I don't think I did this until after college. I'm trying to track back to see what started it to see if I can figure out a better way to handle it. It's one of the major things I don't like about myself.
I know for sure that I have major issues being vulnerable - I'm sure a lot of that is that I also have a lot of trouble trusting people aren't going to end up hurting me. I know that until I do that, I'm going to continue to carry things on my own when I shouldn't.
Looks like I might to schedule some new therapy sessions...
