After calming down a bit and reflecting a bit more, I realize that I was being overly critical of myself on my progress so far this year. I may not have all the improvements to the extent I was hoping to, but I also expect myself to take one giant step and be fixed - that ain't realistic.
So, I have reliably recorded 3 positive things every day - either something I'm happy happened, something I appreciate, etc. Even in the last week, this daily exercise helped me change perspective from completely sandcastling everything.
Yes, I still stress eat and chaotic eat, but I'm still journaling what I eat and any outside influences like a crazy schedule or stress. I may not be completely at the point where I can completely overcome my impulses to eat like I always have or have dropped to 180 lbs like I want, but I also have become more aware of my behaviors. I have questioned myself (and often stopped myself) continuing to eat or drowning my sorrows in junk. I have at least compromised sometimes for a cookie or 10 M&Ms instead of not caring and eating all I could.
I have successfully reduced my retail therapy inclinations. I recognize when I only want to buy something to make myself feel better and instead remind myself of other things I need that money for - paying off debt, holding onto it to buy something specific I need, etc. I don’t have a slew of extra funds, but I don’t have the frustration that I bought something impulsively when I later needed that money for something more vital. I’m getting better at prioritizing purchases. If I can master separaing my spending from emotion, I can do make steps towards doing the same with eating.
I am trying to be aware, also, of when I am jumping in to take control of projects when I should be guiding others in doing better. When I notice myself being a bitch and having an attitude, I catch myself and change my tone.
So, I AM making improvements - not giant steps, but cumulative baby steps that (if I keep up) will pay off in the long run. Hopefully, they'll even become second nature instead of having to actively manage myself constantly.
