I had the opportunity yesterday to hear Lorenzo Brown share the story of how he became paralyzed from being shot in the neck. The doctor told him and his family to give up - he'd never do anything. He was dumped in a nursing home, and even after he was connected to a program to help him, he was still suicidal. However, once he got the vision for an organization that helped connect people with disabilities that will bring them hope for their future, he found his purpose and turned his life around.
I realized in that moment that what I have been missing at work is purpose. Sure I talk a good name about the children, adults, and families that we help, but at this point, those are really just words. Ultimately, all I can seem to focus on is meeting $ goals, checking items off lists, and trying to keep moving through the day. I feel empty.
I've got so used to figure out WHAT I have to do, I've lost the WHY. I'm not just talking about the mission of where I work but what it means to me to get to do these things.
I've found a lot of joy lately getting to connect volunteers with meaningful interactions with our programs. Seeing them get spiritually/emotionally filled makes me feel the same.
When I think of the Junior Board, they just seem hammered (not drunk, beaten down). I don't get the feeling that any of them are enjoying being a part of the group. They are also just checking boxes. I feel like I started the membership off energized and positive, but as the events get closer and sponsorships are low, I get frustrated and I think that negativity passes along to them.
I feel like they are the kid that is trying his/her best at playing a sport and the parent (me) is on the sidelines yelling at them about what to do. I feel like I haven't necessarily practiced with them or taught them skills to make sure they were ready, but I'm still expecting them to knock it out of the park.
Some of that is because I DON'T know what I'm doing. I'm literally figuring this out as I go. I've not really been a leader, and not I'm trying to lead all of them. I haven't done direct fundraising, but I'm making them do it (and trying to help as I can).
I have ideas of how to start towards improving things, but (1) it seems like it is going to take SO long, (2) it relies on the JB members giving honest input - which I don't know they will do suddenly, and (3) it puts so much more on my already overflowing plate.
I need a couple of dedicated JB members that will get on board, prioritize the improvements, and be my allies in getting everyone else on board. Right now, I'm the teacher in front of the class that only a few are actually paying attention in.
I feel like a constant failure and don't even feel like it's worth trying. I know it is, and I believe I'll get there. I just want to get there faster.
